Living with a Complex You Can't Tell Anyone About

How much do you
like yourself━━?

When asked that question,
my chest has felt a little tight.

“Love yourself”
“Accept yourself”
Even when told that,
for me, there are places
I just want to look away from.

I can't tell anyone.
If I could,
“make it as if it never happened”is what I would do.

Do you have
“parts you don't want others to see,”
“pain you've been carrying for a long time,”
or “a complex you can't tell anyone about”?
Do you?

Perhaps it is in those
seemingly lacking places
that a kindness and warmth
unlike any other lie dormant.

This shows the importance of
not “getting rid of” a complex,
but firstaccepting itas “something that exists.”

Looking at your imperfect self
just as it is.
That is by no means giving up or
a compromise,
but rather
“believing in”the existence that is me.

Sometimes we feel
our hearts constricted by
our “imperfect selves.”
Avoiding the mirror,
worrying about others' gazes,
hiding so we don't get hurt.
But that
is not weakness.
“It is the strength to try to live properly”is what I think it is.

No matter how many complexes you have,
you can still laugh at someone's words.
Stacking up days like that is proof of life.

Everything that seems ordinary
is, I believe, a miracle.

I have
three complexes.

The first is a surgical scar
on the back of my head that I can manage to hide with my hair.
The second is my large, prominent nose.

And the third──
this is my biggest complex,
not something I was born with, but
“something I lost later in life.”I keep the time I spend looking in the mirror to a minimum,
and I hide it desperately
so it isn't noticed when I'm out.
Even so, in unexpected moments,
my heart feels heavy.

Still, it's not a life-threatening illness.
I can still breathe normally today
and eat my meals.
──Actually, just that alone
is quite amazing, isn't it?

When I turn my eyes
to those little “ordinaries”in that way,
I feel the feeling of “I wish it would disappear”
soften just a little bit.

You don't have to force yourself to like it.
You don't have to force yourself to forget it.

Just gently look at it
as “something that exists.”
I feel that is the first step
to making breathing a little easier.

Even if you can't tell anyone,
even if you spend the night holding back tears,

the fact that you are here, living with life within you.

That alone makes you
valuable.
In the places that seem to be missing something,
a deep kindness
might be sleeping.

So, it's okay.
You are fine just the way you are.

Thank you so much
for reading until the end‼️
I'm so grateful and touched by wonderful you💕💗💕

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