What to Consider as a Parent If Your Daughter Says She Wants to Marry a 'Second-Generation Religious Believer'
If your child came to you and said,
"I'm thinking about marrying a second-generation religious believer," how would you react as a parent?
I myself am someone who once faced the prospect of marrying a partner who was a second-generation religious believer and struggled deeply with it. In that process, I experienced firsthand both the internal conflict of being the partner and the love that leads parents to oppose such a union.
If I were to face religious issues from the perspective of a "parent" next time, what would I value most?
Now that I am a mother, I have come to think about it this way.
In this article, drawing on my own experience as someone directly involved, I will organizethe perspectives parents should consider and the practical issues that cannot be resolved by emotions alone.
The True Nature of the Unease Parents Feel
Especially in Japan, where many people identify as "non-religious," there is a sensitive atmosphere regarding religion.
It is also a fact that reports on incidents caused by groups known as "cults" have instilled a strong sense of caution and anxiety.
Therefore, it might be a natural reaction to brace yourself and wonder, "Is this really okay...?" It is a very human emotion to want to keep your distance from things you don't fully understand.
I believe the true nature of the unease parents feel is not so much a rejection of "faith" itself, but ratherthe fact that it is unclear how that faith will affect their future life.
Will their spending habits and values align?
In what kind of environment will children and grandchildren be raised?
Will we ourselves eventually become involved?
To what extent will life choices remain free?
When people cannot imagine such "concrete daily life," they harbor a vague but strong sense of anxiety.
That anxiety piles up without being sorted out, rising up as a single "unease" that feels "somehow wrong" or "impossible to accept."
I feel that a parent's anxiety is half a risk-perception meant to protect their child, and half an instinct to protect their own established way of life.
What Parents Should Check Is Not "Faith" But the "Premise of Living"
When it comes to religion, people tend to focus on points like "how strong is their faith" or "is the person serious?"
However, I don't think that is what you should really be checking as a parent.
What is important is the point ofwhat kind of "premise for living" that faith creates.
For example,
Are there conditions for the person they marry?
Are there rules for how money or time is spent?
Are there restrictions on what they eat?
When a child is born, will there be an impact on their education or family events?
What will happen to the relationship with family and relatives?
These factors are often determined by the environment one belongs to—the religion itself—and are not necessarily proportional to the strength of the individual's own faith.
The person might say, 'I'm not that religious.' I don't think that's a lie.
However, even if they lack faith, the established rules and family values may continue to exist independently of the person's own will at times.
That is why, as a parent, what you should confirm is not 'whether they believe,' but rather how well the child themselves understands the rules and constraints of that faith I believe.
Marriage is not something you can easily turn back from.
If you proceed without aligning your 'assumptions about life,' it is not at all rare to end up suffering later, thinking, 'This isn't how it was supposed to be.'
The parent's role is not to provide the answer. It is to check things together so that the child can think deeply and realistically.
Isn't that the most important way a parent can be involved?
A parent's words can lead a child to either 'isolation' or 'dialogue'
When a child talks about a partner's religious issues, the words you use at that moment will greatly influence the direction of the child's heart.
It is natural for a parent to be shaken by an unexpected confession. But more than that, the person is already deep in their own struggle as someone directly involved.
■ What blunt opposition creates
What blunt opposition creates is often not 'giving up on the marriage,' but the child's isolation instead.
This is also a point I felt strongly as someone who was directly involved myself.
'We can't talk about this'
'They won't understand even if I tell them anyway'
When such feelings are spurred on, the child will gradually start to hide their true feelings.
Even if they appear tough on the surface, they are surely facing great anxiety in their heart. By being unable to share that anxiety and confusion, the child becomes isolated and is left with no choice but to think about it alone.
As a result, ironically, blunt opposition creates the very situation parents want to avoid most: 'the relationship progressing out of sight.'
■ What happens when you have a 'willingness to listen with conditions' instead
On the other hand, simply showing an attitude of 'I cannot support this, but I will listen to what you have to say' can change the situation significantly.
For example,
“Honestly, there is a lot I don't understand about religion. So, I want you to tell me about it.”
“It is true that I am worried as a parent, but I really want to hear your thoughts.”
“Before reaching a conclusion, I want to organize my own thoughts as well.”
Just by saying things like this, your child will perceive it not as “hostility,” but as a sign of interest and dialogue as they receive it.
The feeling of impatience, thinking, “If I don't oppose this now, will it just proceed toward marriage?” is a natural emotion for a parent to have.
However, by showing a stance of “thinking together,” you create room for your child to pause and consider things from a realistic perspective.
A “willingness to listen with conditions” does not mean unconditional acceptance. It is the choice to not reach a conclusion immediately, but to take the time to examine things together as a path forward.
■ The minimum stance a parent can take
There are three things a parent should keep in mind at a minimum.
①Do not rush to a conclusion
An attitude of “I cannot judge this just yet” is also a way to pause. Because this is a difficult issue, it is natural for it to take time.
②Separate emotions from conditions when talking
Do not mix “I oppose this because I am worried” with “I cannot accept these conditions.” By communicating emotions and reality separately, it becomes easier to continue the dialogue.
③Create a situation where the child does not have to carry it alone
There may be times when the discussion goes in circles. Even so, it is important for the parent to take it on as their own issue and show a stance of “continuing to think together.”
A parent's greatest role is not to provide the answer. It is to
accompany your child through the process of thinking.
Thoughts I have now, both as someone who has been there and as a parent
I was once someone who seriously considered and struggled with the idea of marrying a partner who was a second-generation religious believer. “Why can't they understand when I love them?” “Why are they so strongly opposed?” I often carried that pain.
On the other hand, now that I am a parent, I can imagine my parents' anxiety at that time more realistically than before.
I am sure I would not give my daughter an immediate “yes” either. When one's own child is about to step into an environment or set of values that are not well understood, I don't think many parents can remain calm.
I now believe that a parent's opposition is not “control,” but an extension of the love that says, “I want to protect you.”
Because I know that both the pain of being the person involved and the fear of being the parent are real, I feel once again that in this issue, parent and child are the relationship that must least of all become adversarial.
The important thing is not to rush to a conclusion.
It is not to look away from the process of thinking.
It is to spend time not to persuade, but so that the child themselves can be convinced and make their own choice.
Conclusion
There is no one-size-fits-all answer to religious issues. I believe it is important for parents and children to join hands and never stop thinking.
I myself spent two years talking things over with my partner, who was a second-generation religious believer, and ultimately made the choice to break up.
I wanted to believe until the very end that 'if you love each other, you can overcome anything.' But our situation was many times more complex than I had imagined, and there was a 'gap in our ways of living' that we simply could not bridge.
I have compiled my story of facing this issue as someone directly involved over those two years, the process leading up to the point where I felt 'I can't do this anymore,' and my actual interactions with my parents in another article.
▶︎ Click here for my personal experience
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Thank you for reading!
As a former healthcare professional turned stay-at-home mom, I write about caregiving, child-rearing, and the complicated aspects of life.
I write about everything from serious topics to a bit of lighthearted fun, so if there is a theme that interests you, please take a look at my other articles.