"I don't bite my nails. But I do pick my nose." How a 2-year-old taught me how to talk to her as a parent

I have a two-year-old daughter.

She still seems close to being a baby, but thanks to her increasing vocabulary lately, we've been able to interact like friends.

Because she can understand me, I find myself having certain expectations of her.

If I praise her by saying "Good job," she'll do it again, and if I say "That's not allowed," she'll stop.

As a mother, I sometimes fall under that illusion.

There are tons of things I don't want a two-year-old to do, but
▶︎ Biting nails
▶︎ Picking nose
personally, these two are the quintessential behaviors I don't want her doing in public.

I worry about the hygiene, and above all, it's embarrassing as a parent. lol

Regarding these two, there's a difference in my daughter's behavior depending on how I respond.

As a result,
she doesn't bite her nails, but she does pick her nose.

That is the two-year-old I ended up with.

So, what was the difference in my response?
I'm going to talk about that this time.

Behind the difference in my response, these feelings of mine as a mother were having an influence.

The thing is, when I was a child, I had a habit of biting my nails no matter what. So, I had a sort of kinship, thinking, "I can kind of understand the urge to bite your nails."

Because of that, I felt it wasn't right to scold her by saying, "Why are you biting your nails!?" so I decided to point it out in a more lighthearted way.

"Biting your nails is a no-no, right?"

I even made a funny face, trying to make her laugh.

I also added a clear reason, saying, "The germs under your nails will get into your body."

I took a relaxed stance, hoping that even if she didn't stop right away, she would eventually stop doing it.

And so, my daughter began to change little by little.

Every time we cut her nails, she started showing me both hands and proudly reporting, "I didn't bite my nails!"

"Oh! That's great. You didn't bite them, did you?"

Just like that, she stopped biting her nails.

On the other hand, there was the nose-picking.

I couldn't understand it, and I wanted her to stop immediately, so I just flatly told her it was bad.

Part of me also felt that way because she's a girl.

I just kept saying, "It's unsightly, so stop it!" quite firmly. Without ever providing a clear reason why it was bad.

So, what happened to my daughter?

She started picking her nose behind my back! Haha.

It seems she categorized it as "something bad," but she wasn't told why. Besides, her friends were doing it too.

Maybe the psychology of "the more you're told not to do something, the more you want to do it" was at play. She was being completely sneaky about it.

Anyway, it didn't look like she was going to stop at all.

Summary

Even though both were "behaviors I wanted her to stop," this incident resulted in opposite outcomes due to the difference in my approach.

This was a major lesson for me, embodying how a single change in phrasing can alter behavior.

When it came to nail-biting, I had the composure to think, "Well, I understand how you feel," so my daughter understood that it was "something better left undone."

When it came to nose-picking, I was impatient, thinking, "Stop it right now," so my daughter perceived it as "something that gets me scolded."

Children surely perceive the "temperature of words" more than parents realize.

The emotions we unconsciously load into our words might be the most easily understood message for a child.

The tone of voice, the speed of speech, and even the facial expression at the time are all conveyed to the child as the "temperature of words."

Perhaps in parenting, the feeling behind the words you deliver is more important than choosing the right words themselves.

Depending on how we say things, a child's perception changes significantly. That accumulation of moments surely shapes their future behavior.

When I think about it that way, parenting is quite profound.

I'm thinking about that today while watching my daughter pick her nose.

The training for parents seems like it will continue for a while yet.

***
Thank you for reading!
As a former healthcare professional turned stay-at-home mom, I write about caregiving, parenting, and the complicated things in life.

I write about everything from serious topics to a bit of nonsense, so if there is a theme that interests you, please take a look at my other articles.