(2) The Distorted Vessel Overflowing—Worn Down Until I Was Paper-Thin

Prologue

Strangely, tired people always gather around me.
As I watch them become more energetic every time we meet,

I feel as if something has been drained from me,
leaving me exhausted.
They don't mean any harm.

It just seems that being with me
makes them feel better.
Everyone, unconsciously,

exploits me.

Chapter 1: The Punching Bag

When I go out for drinks with everyone,
there is fun to be had.

But gradually, the atmosphere changes.

Those kinds of people have many complaints.

Many of them are negative thinkers.

Am I a punching bag?
They just punch and punch, and feel relieved.

I, too, end up
listening with genuine concern.

Without putting up any barriers,
with a naked heart and body,
I take it all in.

That defenseless body of mine
eventually has everything drained from it,
and along with the power of the alcohol, I collapse.

After that,
I don't know how I got home.

But only the noisy voices of everyone
remain in my ears, annoying me.

Chapter 2: I Was Easy to Handle

Everyone tells me.
You're always cheerful, and it's fun to be with you.

Even if they say that, it was just a pleasant-sounding
rewrite of being a "convenient person."

Someone who never denies what anyone says.
Someone who accepts any story.
Someone who listens until the end.
I was the ultimate listener.

That wasn't being a kind friend,
it might have been defined as
"an easy person to handle."

I realized it much later.

That this was abnormal.


I had been programmed
to believe I had to accept everything.

In the end, the problem was within me.

Unless I rewrote the premises within me,
the creaking of my heart would continue forever.

Filling the silence.
Not ruining the mood.
Walking on eggshells for others.

I had imposed on myself
that I had to prioritize all of that.

That is how I
wore myself down until I was paper-thin.

Chapter 3: Correcting the Premise

Kindness
was not about accepting everything.

It was not about enduring and smiling.

It was just being there,
and keeping a little distance.

Rather than being a good person,
I want to choose to value myself.

That is how I want to be.

Epilogue

After a while,
I have become able to
maintain a bit of myself, even when I am with others.
I stopped reacting to everything the other person said.

I stopped trying to fill the silence.
I started choosing when to go home.
My values were overturned.


Nothing happened.
But nothing broke, either.

I realized that what I had been carefully protecting

to ensure I wouldn't break
was just a distorted vessel.

After that,


the things that had been tightly wound
suddenly loosened.
I am no longer on the side being exploited,

I have become the one who chooses and creates the atmosphere.

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▶ The Same Root
The more I was needed,
the more I felt like I was fading away.

▶︎ Where Did That Vessel Get Distorted?
It didn't break.
It was made to be that way from the start.

▶︎ Even So, I Wanted to Be Loved
Even though I wanted to be fulfilled,
I only ever headed toward breaking.