Breakfast in the Corner of the Kitchen

I bring a chair to the corner of the kitchen and wait for the storm to pass while eating breakfast.
I check the clock; it's 9:30.
I wonder how long it will take to calm down.

The dining table has been pushed far aside, and all the chairs have been knocked over violently.
Cushions are thrown everywhere, and craft tools are scattered about.
All the luggage that had been on the stairs has been kicked down.

—All I said was, "Let's go to the park to play catch."

***

Yota has been doing very well lately.
He has become more active, and I can tell his energy is being directed outward.
That's why I've been happy, too.
I was just simply happy about that.

But it seems he wasn't in that kind of mood today.

"I don't want to go. Why do I have to play catch?"

Ah, here comes the Yota-ism.
The look on Yota's face gives me a bad feeling...

My husband and I try to invite him cheerfully several times, but I can tell it's only strengthening the "I don't want to go" feeling inside him.
I've learned through years of trial and error that once it gets to this point, there's no way to control his emotions.

"Then, I'll go with [younger brother's name]."

I tried to say that as simply as possible.

However, perhaps he didn't like that remark, as it only complicated the situation further.

"Then what am I supposed to do at home?!"

He doesn't want to go to the park, and he doesn't want to stay home; he's getting more and more heated, asking what on earth he's supposed to do.
Feeling frustrated, I let one thing slip.

"I don't know."

I had stepped on his landmine.

***

—I check the clock.
It is 10:00.
Thirty minutes have passed since then, but his emotions show no sign of calming down and are raging on.
The living room is dangerous, so I've evacuated to the corner of the kitchen, where I'm eating my breakfast while huddled up.
He's throwing all sorts of things, but I focused entirely on the natto and kimchi in my mouth.

This is nothing short of an endurance exercise.

Noticing that his mother has disappeared, Yota peeks into the kitchen.
I wonder what he thought when he saw his mother eating in the corner.
After that, he said nothing and went up to the bedroom on the second floor.

After a while, I hear a voice.

Mommy, come here!

That slightly spoiled tone is proof that his mood has shifted.
Maybe seeing Mom in the kitchen had an effect.
But I am still stuck in a murky, heavy emotional state.

Mommy, come here!

I cover my ears against the voice calling me over and over.
Unable to bear it, I signal my husband to go instead.
He says, But he's calling for 'Mommy,' right? but I know that already.
I can hear the voice persistently calling for me.
I try to head toward Yota, but my body freezes at the bottom of the stairs.

I hit my thighs repeatedly.
Why do people seek out pain at times like this?
But no matter what, I cannot take a single step up the stairs.

Is it okay if Daddy comes instead?
Sure, that's fine.

My husband covered for me.
What a relief.
When I sat back down on the chair in the corner of the kitchen, tears started to fall.
It has been a long time since I cried like this.
I think that just goes to show how much Yota has calmed down lately.

Precisely because it has been so long, the shock is greater, and at times like these, I especially struggle to shift my mood.
Yota came down from the second floor and started watching TV with his younger brother.
My husband is washing the dishes in my place.
I looked at the clock and it was 10:30.
So, it took an hour.
I remained sitting in the chair, unable to move.

I can't do it. I've lost all motivation. Why don't the three of you go to Starbucks or something?
Alright.

Actually, we had planned to play at the park and then have lunch at Starbucks before heading home.
We were supposed to have a fun time.
But I don't want to go anymore.
I want to be alone.

I tidy up the messy living room.
The mat was dirty with scattered craft supplies, and as I was wiping it with a wet tissue, I felt someone watching me.

Mom, I'm sorry.

I kept wiping in silence.

***

Alright, we're heading out.

My husband takes the children out.
As I remained in the room, my second son came back and insisted that I come with them, so I had no choice but to go.
As I looked out the window while the car was moving, Yota muttered from the back seat.

Mom, I'm sorry about earlier.
Sorry? For what?
Well, you know, everything that happened.
Yes.

Yota's feelings came through clearly.
But, I'm sorry, please give me a little more time.
I kept looking out the window.
I could hear the sound of him laughing with his brother while watching videos from the back.

When I ordered and drank the new Frappuccino at Starbucks, Yota looked at me enviously.

"......Want to try some?"
"Yeah!!"

When I gave her a bite, seeing her face light up with a huge smile as she said, "It's delicious!" finally made my heart melt.

***

Returning home from Starbucks and entering the room, I heard my husband's voice from the entryway.

"The two of them are all set to go to the park!"

Excuse me?

"Wait, Yota too?"
"Yeah... he says he wants to go to the park without getting out of the car."

What was that whole thing this morning?
Ah, I'm being played, being played right in the palm of Yota's hand.
I let out a sigh, took the ball out of the storage, and got back into the car.

At the park, I mercilessly pelted Yota with the ball as he ran away.
Back in elementary school, I was the girl who defeated Nakahara-kun, the dodgeball champion (see the article "The Girl Who Defeated Nakahara-kun Becomes a Mother").
The frustration from this morning was added with love to the side of me that transforms whenever I hold a ball.

After playing to our hearts' content for about two hours, the cloud over my heart had cleared before I knew it, and I found myself laughing out loud.
Yota also had a refreshed look on his face.

***

After the children were asleep, my husband and I looked back on the day while eating yogurt.

"I wonder what that was all about this morning."
"......Who knows."
"Maybe he didn't like having his plans decided for him."
"......Who knows."

I think Yota himself probably didn't really understand what was going on halfway through.

A lot happened, but since it ended on a fun note, well, I guess it's fine.
We stopped thinking about it and enjoyed our yogurt.