Between 'I'm home' and 'Welcome back'
I waved and said, "See you later," and sent them off with, "Have a good day."
I wonder when the last time was.
We moved into our current house when Yota was in his first year of kindergarten.
In the neighborhood, there are two girls in his grade and one boy a year younger.
Once they became elementary school students, they would carry their colorful school bags,
and I imagined they would all walk to school together happily.
Picturing that scene always made me feel happy.
"I'm home!"
Throwing his school bag in the entryway and telling me about what happened at school.
That kind of future.
──But,
The daily life I had envisioned never arrived.
What was waiting for me was
a world with just Yota and me.
Yota stopped going to school right after he enrolled,
and he couldn't let go of me.
When I was out of sight, I could hear him calling, "Mom, Mom."
When I tried to go out, he would cry and cling to me, saying, "Don't go."
I can't go anywhere.
I can't do anything.
I can't breathe.
I felt like I was going crazy.
Wanting to be alone,
I put on headphones so I wouldn't hear the voice calling for me,
and shut myself in the bedroom while listening to music.
The bright blue sky visible from the window.
It's painful.
I want to get out of this house.
Tears stream down my cheeks.
Even so, reality didn't change.
Yota, having found peace by staying home, became more and more energetic,
while I became more and more exhausted.
When I noticed, the school bag was covered in dust.
As I wiped off the dust,
tears overflowed.
──This isn't how it was supposed to be.
The cleaned school bag,
without a single scratch on it,
was put away in the closet along with the future I had imagined back then.
***
Yota became a fourth grader this spring.
"Have a good day!"
At the sound of my voice, the car window rolls down.
Looking a bit shy and slightly nervous,
Yota says in a small voice.
I'm off.
I waved until the car was out of sight.
I returned home and drank a cup of coffee by myself.
──It's quiet.
My dog, Tsuki-chan, is sleeping soundly.
The cold sore on my lip that appeared during spring break hurts.
I sip my coffee.
──This coffee is delicious.
Yota said, "I'm off," to me.
He has left my side and is out with a friend and their parent for the first time.
Without me accompanying him.
Carrying his own backpack, all by himself.
Before I knew it, I was crying.
As if something had suddenly snapped, I cried my heart out.
Instead of going to school, Yota attends a "safe space."
There, he meets adults he can trust and friends who inspire him,
laughs with all his might,
and expresses with everything he has that "I am who I am."
Accepting that wasn't an easy thing to do.
The time I spent slowly with Yota in this house
is what brought me to this point.
If those days we spent together in this house
are gently pushing Yota forward, I would be so happy.
Now,
he has let go of my hand,
and is starting to step out into the world, little by little.
In this house that once felt so stifling,
before I knew it, I was able to breathe again.
Even though I thought I never wanted to be here,
now, I want to be here waiting for my family to come home.
***
It's almost time for Yota to come home.
What kind of stories will he tell me?
What did he see,
and what did he feel?
I'm home!
Mom, guess what, I went shopping by myself for the first time.
I was incredibly nervous.
And then, when I got to the register...
Yota wouldn't stop talking.
I listened, nodding along.
"Welcome back."
──A day like this really did come.
I quietly reported this to my past self.
I'm participating in the "What Are You Talking About House" project♪
Please accept this.
(I somehow made it in time for the 30th deadline~)