Two Weeks Supporting My Family and My Bipolar Disorder

My father-in-law, who had been battling an illness for some time, passed away during Golden Week.

Those two weeks were filled with days spent supporting my husband, fulfilling my role as a daughter-in-law, and caring for my son, whose mental state had become unstable.

Honestly, I think it was quite difficult.

But strangely enough,
the waves of my bipolar disorder were very calm.

I usually struggle with mornings.

When I'm not doing well, I can't get out of bed, and sometimes I spend the entire morning sleeping.

I'm also not very good with interpersonal relationships, and I often feel mentally exhausted just from talking to people.

But these two weeks were different.

I was able to wake up naturally when it was time, and I could talk normally with the people who came to pay their respects.

Of course, I was tired.

But strangely, my mood never dipped.

It felt like I was in 'diplomatic mode' the whole time.

Even in situations where I would normally be exhausted, my body and mind were moving strangely well.

My daily rhythm was also quite different from usual.

We ate out frequently,
and my bedtime was late.

Even so, I was able to sleep strangely well.

Perhaps because I was tired,
I fell asleep as soon as I got into bed,
and I was able to sleep soundly until morning.

Looking back now,
the fact that I was getting enough sleep
might have been one of the reasons I didn't fall ill.

When we were told that my father-in-law was in critical condition,
my nine-year-old son panicked.

'What happens when someone dies?'
'What do you do at a funeral?'
'I'm scared to see his face'

I was carrying various anxieties.

I spent my time explaining things as clearly as possible, while hugging him and holding his hand.

Day by day, my son came to accept his grandfather's death in his own way, and in the end, he was able to say a proper goodbye.

However, the moment the coffin entered the furnace at the crematorium, my son suddenly burst into tears.

That was the first time my son had cried since his grandfather passed away.

As I held my son, I finally let my own tears fall at that moment.

Seeing him like that, I felt a little relieved.

Since my husband is the eldest son, he stayed at his parents' house after his father passed away and took care of many things.

Honestly, I'm not sure if I was able to support my husband.

But I tried to be a daughter-in-law who could anticipate his needs, so that I could reduce his burden even a little.

My father-in-law really took such good care of me while he was alive.

He was concerned about my illness, and when I was struggling, he would make me meals and speak to me with kindness.

I have many memories of him.

But when he passed away, my emotions were surprisingly calm, even to myself.

It's not that I wasn't sad.

It's just that I had been somewhat prepared, and more than anything, the feeling that I had to keep things running in the days that followed was stronger.

Since developing bipolar disorder, I sometimes feel that my emotions have become a bit dulled.

Perhaps that has something to do with it, or maybe I was just desperate to keep going.

Even now, honestly, I'm not sure.

However, once everything was over and things had settled down a bit, a strong sense of sleepiness came over me.

No matter how much I sleep, I still feel sleepy.

There were days when I slept all day long.

Even so, the reason I didn't have a major breakdown like I used to might be because my medication was working effectively.

I felt once again this time that having bipolar disorder doesn't necessarily mean I will always break down when under significant stress.

In fact, while I am on edge, there are times when I can spend my days surprisingly calmly.

Of course, that doesn't mean it's okay to push myself too hard.

But this time, I feel like I caught a glimpse of something like a 'strength to support' within myself.

Thank you for reading until the end.

I would be happy if this reaches even a little bit to those who are facing mood swings just like me, or to their families.

♡ Likes and follows are very encouraging.

While facing bipolar disorder, I also write about my relationships with my family and how I cope with mood swings.

▼ I would be happy if you could read these as well.