To Me, Who Retired Early and Stepped Off the Evaluation Stage, and to My Son, Who Started Walking Toward the Hall of Mirrors
Hello, I am Memeto Mamoru.
Many people read the FIRE COMPASS article I wrote the day before yesterday, and it was even featured in the popular article rankings for the tags I set.
To those who read it, those who clicked 'like,' and those who used FIRE COMPASS: thank you very much.
Since I have been writing a lot of tech-related articles lately, today I would like to leave behind some honest feelings I have experienced in my daily life.
The day my son entered the 'world of being evaluated'
Thursday, April 16th. Today, there was the first parent-teacher meeting at the elementary school my son attends.
He just started school in April, and I have finally gotten used to seeing him carry a backpack that looks a little too big for him.
While listening to the teacher talk about how he is doing at school, for some reason, before feeling any joy as a parent, I was enveloped by this sensation.
Ah, this child has finally entered the world where he will be evaluated by others.
That fact struck me in a strange way.
The salaryman life I clung to just to be 'normal'
Why did I feel that so strongly?
Perhaps it is because I myself had just stepped down from the world of being 'the one evaluated' at the end of this past March, after more than 15 years.
Ever since I joined the company, a multi-faceted evaluation environment was the norm.
Being watched by bosses and colleagues from every angle, with results directly linked to promotions or demotions. In such a world, even with colleagues, one has no choice but to draw a line somewhere.
Perhaps I wasn't able to build the kind of relationships I could call 'friends' with complete trust as much as I thought during my 15-plus years of life as a salaryman.
It was a well-known, popular company, but 2010, the year I joined, was right after the Lehman Shock, and I heard from HR later that the selection ratio at the time was nearly 100 to 1.
Looking around at my peers and others, everyone was talented. I still wonder why I managed to win a job offer.
My salaryman life began with a 'ready, set, go' in that environment. I was desperate just to receive a 'normal' evaluation.
Not to fall behind. Not to look inferior. Not to fall below expectations. I had to keep presenting a 'good version of myself' at all times.
I think that tension had created a thin film on the surface of my heart, more than I had realized.
I retired at the end of March and was finally liberated from that tension, but... (laughs)
As if trading places with me, my six-year-old son has entered the
"world of being evaluated" that will continue for decades to come.
Mirrors are reversed left to right
On the way home from the parent-teacher meeting, a passage from a novel I wrote long ago suddenly came to mind.
It is a scene where a grandmother gently speaks to a ten-year-old boy who has started acting like a 'good kid,' suppressing his true feelings because he is too conscious of being evaluated.
The eyes and voices of those around you can certainly serve as a mirror that reflects you, but you must never think that is all there is to you. Mirrors are reversed left to right, and they look a little different from your true self, don't they? It's the same with the way others see you; you shouldn't take it at face value. Keep cherishing your own unique shape inside your heart.
It is true that evaluations from school teachers and the performance reviews I once received function as benchmarks for viewing oneself objectively.
However, they are always filtered through things like 'can you maintain group order,' 'does it fit the organization's convenience,' and 'years of service, educational background, and work history.'
That is why the image of myself reflected there gradually drifts away from reality.
If you mistake that distorted image for your 'true self' and try to force yourself to fit it, your heart will eventually creak.
I imagine those who have belonged to an organization can empathize with this.
In fact, I experienced that slowly over the course of more than 15 years.
His own unique shape before being evaluated
My son is currently obsessed with Minecraft at home.
He stacks blocks according to his own logic without caring about anyone's evaluation.
There, his 'own unique shape' exists before it is ever touched by the eyes of others.
From now on, he will be exposed to countless evaluations within the group called school. There will surely be some that feel unreasonable.
There might be days when he convinces himself, 'This is the kind of person I am.'
At that time, what I can do as a parent is not to lock him in a sterile room away from evaluation.
It is simply to tell him, 'That evaluation might be reversed left to right.'
To teach him that he doesn't have to take the reflected image as the real thing.
And I want to be the only one who does not overlook the shape that is uniquely his own inside his heart.
What I want to convey through "my father's back"
At the same time, there are things I want to show not through words, but through my way of life.
That is, there is more than one way for an adult to live.
There is a way of life built as a company employee.
There is also a way of life where you create your own work.
Neither is superior or inferior. However, if you become convinced that only one mold is the correct answer, it becomes easy to lose sight of your own shape.
Honestly, I don't know how I, who have now stepped off the rails, appear in my son's eyes. But at the very least, my daily presence should convey that going to a company five days a week is not the "standard for adults" (laughs).
As a father who has just escaped the evaluation system, I intend to watch over his small back, which will be exposed to countless evaluations from now on, with those feelings in mind.
Thank you for staying with me until the end.
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