What Parents Who Can Say "Today Was Fun" Give to Their Children
"Today was fun"—are you able to say those words every day?
In the daily grind of balancing work and parenting, there may be days when you honestly cannot say that. "I'm so tired today," "I couldn't get that done," "I need to be doing better"—there are days when those kinds of words come out first.
But,children are watching. They are listening. They receive their parents' emotional state with their whole being, more acutely than they do words.
What do parents who can say "Today was fun" pass on to their children? I will explore this question through neuroscience and experience.
◎ A parent's emotions become a child's "emotional map"
☆ What do children look at to learn about emotions?
Children do not learn about emotions through words; they learn through experience. And their first "textbook of experience" is their parents.
What kind of emotion is "happiness"? What kind of state is "fun"? What does it mean to be "angry"? How do you express "sadness"? Children create their own "emotional map" by observing the emotional expressions their parents show in daily life.
Children who repeatedly see their parents looking happy develop a higher resolution for the emotion of "happiness." Children who have seen their parents laughing and having fun become able to feel the emotion of "fun" more richly.
Conversely, children who have always seen their parents looking tired and acting with expressions full of a sense of duty unconsciously build an emotional map that says, "Working hard is what's right" and "Enjoying yourself is something to put off until later."
A parent's emotions are, to a child, their very "emotional map."
☆ Parents who know "fun" and "happiness" versus those who don't
There is a difference in a child's emotional vocabulary and expressive ability depending on whether their parents can express the emotions of "fun" and "happiness" on a daily basis or not.
Children with a rich emotional vocabulary can put their feelings into words. Instead of just saying "I don't like it," they can say, "This made me sad," "That was scary," or "I wanted you to do this." Children who can verbalize their emotions develop deeper self-understanding and become able to communicate their feelings appropriately in their relationships with others.
This is not merely a matter of "communication skills." From the perspective of neuroscience, whether or not one can verbalize emotions is related to the strength of the connection between the amygdala (emotional processing) and the prefrontal cortex (language and reason). The act of putting emotions into words activates the prefrontal cortex and suppresses overactivity in the amygdala. In other words, children who can verbalize their emotions have a higher capacity for emotional regulation.
The one who teaches that first "verbalization of emotions" is the parent's daily emotional expression.
◎ What happens when you sleep side-by-side at night?
☆ Our family's habit of reflecting on "what was fun today"
In our home, we have a habit of lying in bed together before sleep and reflecting on 'things that were fun or made us happy today'.
'What did you play today?', 'Was it fun?', 'Was there anything that made you happy?'—by asking my daughter these questions, I draw out 'today's fun' from her own mouth.
And we, as parents, also share our own. 'Daddy was happy when you did such-and-such today,' 'Mommy had fun doing such-and-such with you today'—we put into words how happy and fun it was for us to see what our daughter did, the faces she showed us, and the words she said.
As we continued this habit, a change occurred within our daughter. The definition of the emotion 'this is what fun (happiness) is' began to accumulate within her. Her understanding of the relationship, 'when I do this, Daddy (Mommy) is also happy (having fun),' also deepened.
As a result, our daughter has grown into a child who can skillfully express her emotions even in daily life. When she is happy, she can say 'I'm happy!'. When she is having fun, she can express it with her whole body, saying 'This is fun!'. Not only that, but she has also become able to appropriately put into words and convey negative emotions, such as 'I was a little sad' or 'I didn't like that'.
☆ The reason why children grow into 'children who can express their emotions'
Why does this habit foster a child's ability to express emotions?
The first reason is 'repetitive learning of emotional verbalization'. By repeating the experience of putting 'today's fun' into words every night, the child is practicing 'putting emotions into words' on a daily basis. The brain strengthens neural circuits through repetition. By repeating the verbalization of emotions every day, the neural circuits connecting emotions and language become stronger.
The second reason is the 'experience of emotional affirmation'. When the experience of the parent accepting it by saying 'That's right, it was fun, wasn't it!' when the child says 'Today was fun' accumulates, the child gains the conviction that 'it is safe to express my own emotions' and 'it is okay to show my emotions'. This fosters a 'sense of safety' regarding emotional expression.
The third reason is 'learning from the parent's emotional expression as a model'. By seeing their parents put their emotions into words every night, saying 'Daddy was happy' or 'Mommy had fun', the child learns that 'adults also put their emotions into words' and 'expressing emotions is a natural thing'. The parents' emotional expression becomes a 'role model' for the child's emotional expression.
☆ The reason why words and emotions before sleep enter the subconscious deeply
There is a brain science reason why we perform this habit 'before sleep'.
Just before falling asleep, brain waves transition from beta waves (awake/focused state) through alpha waves (relaxed state) to theta waves (light sleep/drowsy state). This theta wave state is the time zone known as the 'shortest route to the subconscious'.
In the beta wave state during wakefulness, the brain is dominated by logical and critical thinking, making it difficult for information to reach the depths of the subconscious. On the other hand, in the theta wave state, critical thinking loosens, and access to the subconscious becomes most open.
In other words, emotions felt, words heard, and images that come to mind just before sleeping are carried on theta waves and engraved into the depths of the subconscious.Falling asleep with the feeling of 'Today was fun' or 'Today was happy' is 'installing' those emotions into the subconscious.
By my daughter putting 'today's fun' into words and falling asleep every night, the conviction that 'there are fun things in my daily life', 'there are happy things', and 'my emotions are accepted' is gradually engraved into her subconscious. This fosters the child's fundamental self-esteem and emotional stability.
◎ 'Emotional contagion' as shown by brain science
☆ Mirror Neurons—A parent's emotions are reflected in the child
In the 1990s, research by Italian neuroscientist Giacomo Rizzolatti and his colleagues led to the discovery of nerve cells called "mirror neurons." Mirror neurons are nerve cells that activate simply by "observing" the actions or emotions of others. It is a mechanism that simulates the experiences of others within one's own brain, much like a mirror.
Due to the function of mirror neurons, when a child "observes" a parent's emotional state, similar emotional processing occurs within the child's brain. When a parent is smiling, the neural circuits associated with smiling are activated in the child's brain as well. When a parent is feeling irritable, the same pattern occurs in the child's brain.
Much of what is called the ability to "read the room" is the function of these mirror neurons. Even without being explained in words, children "experience" their parents' emotional states in their brains.
A parent being in an emotional state of "I had a fun day today" is conveyed to the child through mirror neurons, even without being put into words.And as that experience is repeated, a neural circuit that says "a state of feeling fun is part of daily life" is formed in the child's brain.
☆ The "enjoying parent" as a secure base
In attachment theory, it is said that for a child, the parent is a "secure base." A secure base is a "place to return to" when a child explores the world, and a "presence to seek help from" when they feel anxious.
For a secure base to function, the parent needs to be "emotionally available" to the child. In other words, it is important that the parent is emotionally stable and in a state where they can respond to the child's emotions.
When a parent is under chronic stress or a sense of obligation, their response to the child's emotional signals becomes dull. A parent in an emotional state of "I'm tired today" or "I'm having a hard time too" may unintentionally become unable to respond to the child's signals of "Look at me!" or "Let's play together!"
On the other hand, a parent who is in an emotional state of "I had a fun day today" can respond richly to the child's emotional signals. "Oh, you're having fun, aren't you!" "You were happy, weren't you!"—the accumulation of these responses strengthens the secure base for the child.
☆ The relationship between cortisol and attachment formation
From a neuroscience perspective, the contagion of emotions between parent and child also occurs at the hormonal level.
Research has shown that when a parent is in a state of stress (high cortisol levels), that tension and anxiety are transmitted to the child, causing the child's cortisol levels to rise. Children exposed to chronically high cortisol are more likely to have an overactive amygdala, leading to the formation of a nervous system that is prone to feeling anxious.
Conversely, when a parent is relaxed and "enjoying themselves," oxytocin (the bonding hormone) and serotonin (the happiness hormone) are secreted. These hormones are also transmitted to the child, creating a foundation of security, trust, and happiness for the child.
A parent who is in an emotional state of "I had a fun day today" is not only happy themselves, but is also having a positive impact on their child's nervous system and hormonal balance.
◎ What happens on days when you can't say "I had a fun day today"
☆ The emotional state of a parent acting only out of a sense of obligation
"I have to do this for my child," "I have to do my job properly," "I have to be a good parent"—the emotional state of a parent operating in this state of constant "have-to's" is, from a neuroscience perspective, a state of cortisol overload where the sympathetic nervous system is dominant.
For a child, this state is an experience of "being with a tense adult." Through mirror neurons, the same pattern of tension is activated in the child's brain. Even if not conveyed in words, values such as "working hard is more important than having fun" and "fulfilling obligations is the right thing to do" are etched into the child's subconscious.
☆ Children sense their parents' "true feelings"
Children receive emotions before they receive words.
While a parent might say "This is fun!" with their mouth, the child senses the parent's "true feelings" of having a tired expression through their mirror neurons. "Dad says he's having fun, but he's actually tired"—even if they cannot verbalize it, children feel this gap with their bodies.
When a parent's true feelings and words match, the child feels secure.When the words "Today was fun" come from a parent's genuine emotions, those words reach the child's subconscious as truth.
That is why "being a parent who enjoys life" comes first. Not the fun of acting, but being a person who can truly say "Today was fun." That becomes the greatest gift to a child.
☆ The cost of putting yourself last
The idea of "sacrificing yourself for your child" sounds beautiful at first glance. But if the result of constantly putting your own joy and happiness on the back burner is that you become a parent who cannot say "Today was fun"—that is not a gift to the child, but a "negative inheritance" passed down to them.
Children learn "what it means to be an adult" by watching their parents' way of life. You end up showing them through your actions, rather than your words, a way of life where "adults are people who fulfill obligations" and "enjoying life is something to be put off until later."
Living a life where you can think "Today was fun" is not just for your own sake, but the best life education for your child.
◎ Habits to cultivate "Today was fun"
☆ How to build the habit of putting "I was happy" into words
To be able to say "Today was fun," you need the habit of focusing your attention on "things that were fun or things that made you happy."
The "happy moments" in a day don't have to be big events. The coffee was delicious. The child's smiling face was cute. Your favorite song played. You made small progress at work—by putting these subtle "happy moments" into words, the brain processes those experiences as "important information."
By verbalizing them, the brain processes experiences deeply as "personal matters." By voicing the emotion of "I was happy," that experience is deeply etched into memory, and dopamine is secreted again. The accumulation of the feeling that "something happy happened today" builds a self-perception that "my daily life is full of happy things."
☆ A Nighttime Routine of Reflecting with Your Child
Just like our family's habit of sleeping side-by-side, I encourage you to try creating a nighttime routine where you reflect on 'what was fun today' with your child.
'What did you play today?' 'Did you have fun?'—asking your child these questions helps them practice putting their emotions into words. 'I was so happy when you did that for me today, Daddy (Mommy)'—by expressing your own emotions, you show your child an 'example of how to express feelings.'
Above all, this time becomes a moment for both parent and child to share 'what was fun today.' Both parent and child fall asleep after putting their happy and fun moments into words. Those emotions ride on theta waves and are etched into the depths of the subconscious.
By continuing this habit every night, both parent and child cultivate a subconscious belief that 'there are fun things in my daily life' and 'there are happy things in my life.'
☆ The Order: Parents 'Enjoy' First
There is an important order to follow. The order is for the parent to 'enjoy' first, and for the child to watch and learn from that.
If you wish for your child to 'live happily,' then you as a parent must live happily first. If you wish for your child to 'express their emotions richly,' then you as a parent must express your emotions richly first.
It is the same as the oxygen mask talk on an airplane. You put it on yourself first before helping others. Being in a state where you as a parent can say 'Today was fun' is the most certain gift you can give your child.
◎ Why I Created This Habit—Memories of My Youth
☆ When I Lived with My Emotions Covered by Multiple Lids
I will be honest. During my childhood and adolescence, I was a person who rarely showed emotions in front of others. It was the same in front of my parents.
At school, every time I said something, the mood would turn cold. Every time I did something, I was mocked. At home, whatever I said was met with 'common sense' or 'logical arguments.' Whatever I did was denied with 'that is wrong.'
As I spent every day like that, the feeling that 'my chest hurts every time I say something' and 'I get hurt every time I do something' piled up. Eventually, I stopped sharing my emotions with people, and I lived by keeping my true feelings covered with multiple lids, always protecting myself.
At that time, there was one thing I felt strongly: 'In the future, I will never let my own children experience this or feel this way.'.
☆ Until I Could Live with My True Feelings and Heart
As I entered society, physically distanced myself from my school friends, got married, and left my parents' home, I gradually became able to live with my true feelings and heart. It took time. But little by little, the lids I had placed over my emotions were removed.
And now, what I am doing for my daughter is exactly 'what I wanted my younger self to have done for me and what I wanted to feel.'
Accumulating the experience that 'no matter what I say, it will be accepted.' Cultivating the conviction that 'it is safe to express my emotions.' Creating a daily life where the feelings of 'happiness and joy' are a matter of course.
The habit of sharing what was fun today while lying side-by-side is not a parenting technique. It is a nightly ritual to pass on to my daughter what I, as a boy, wanted for myself.
◎ What happy-go-lucky parents can pass on to their children
☆ The power to live with emotional goals
Pursuing what makes you happy and not putting off what is fun—the happy-go-lucky way of life is a way of living where emotions lead the way. This is also, in itself, 'the power to live with emotional goals.'
Children raised by happy-go-lucky parents become less resistant to having 'feeling joy' as their own goal. Values such as 'it is okay to cherish what makes you happy' and 'it is okay for enjoyment to be the direction of your life' are nurtured naturally.
This becomes the foundation for the power to choose a way of life that is true to oneself when the child becomes an adult.
☆ The unconscious permission that 'it is okay to enjoy yourself'
Many adults carry guilt about enjoying themselves. 'I should be working harder, so is it okay for me to be having fun?' 'Is it okay for only me to be happy?'—these are unconscious beliefs formed in childhood.
'Enjoying yourself is for lazy people,' 'You shouldn't have fun until you've finished your duties'—these kinds of beliefs are often learned unconsciously from the way parents live.
Conversely, children raised by parents who can say 'Today was fun' have an unconscious permission to enjoy themselves. The belief that 'enjoying yourself is natural' and 'it is okay to cherish what makes you happy' becomes engraved in their subconscious. This is an 'unconscious permission' that influences the child's entire life.
☆ A parent's example is the best life education
Ultimately, the best life education for a child is the parent's way of life itself.
The back of a parent who can say 'Today was fun' speaks to the child: 'Life is fun,' 'It is okay to live by cherishing what makes you happy,' 'Expressing emotions is natural'—they convey these things not through words, but through their existence.
My daughter is watching again today. What kind of face Dad has when he comes home. What Mom is talking about happily. What words the two of them use to share their 'fun' from today.
The accumulation of those daily moments creates my daughter's emotional map. And when my daughter becomes a parent someday, she will pass that map on to her own children. The words 'Today was fun' are a gift that is passed down through generations.
Summary: Let's share what was 'fun' with our children tonight
A parent's emotions become a map for a child's emotions. They are transmitted through mirror neurons, etched into the subconscious through theta waves, and nurture the child's nervous system through attachment formation and hormonal balance.
Being a parent who can say 'Today was fun' is the greatest gift and the best life education for a child.
There is one thing you can start doing tonight. Before going to sleep, lie down with your child and share what was 'fun' about today.
Ask them, 'What did you play today? Was it fun?' Tell them, 'I was so happy when I did such-and-such with you today.' In that moment, your child's eyes should light up.
That sparkle will be etched into your child's subconscious as 'Today was fun.' And that accumulation will build the emotional map of your child's life.
Tonight, let's share what was 'fun' with our children. That is where it all begins.