My dog has been diagnosed with malignant melanoma.
I was honestly very hesitant to write this Note.
I felt that if I wrote it down, it might actually come true.
But when I calmed down and thought about it,
I realized, "I can only write about these feelings because I am feeling them right now."
Even though we haven't decided on a treatment plan yet and
there is no conclusion, I decided to write it.
What kind of treatment will we choose from here on?
What kind of progress will the disease take?
What will I think, what will I worry about, and what decisions will I make at each step?
I intend to record everything as it is, including my feelings at the time.
If someone finds this Note in the future whose dog has also been diagnosed with malignant melanoma,
I hope it will be a useful reference as a personal experience, including not just the flow of treatment, but also the worries and hesitations I faced.
Malignant melanoma is a type of malignant tumor that can form in a dog's mouth.
Because it is prone to metastasis and can progress quickly, the doctor explained that it is important to decide on a treatment plan as soon as possible.
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If you are sensitive to this, please skip it.
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We had a portion of the tumor that formed in Latte's mouth removed and sent for a pathological examination.
The doctor explained,
"The results will be ready in about 1 to 2 weeks."
Those 1 to 2 weeks felt very long.
Even when I tried not to think about it, I would find myself thinking about Latte again.
I would think about it even more if I was doing nothing, so I started cleaning.
Before I knew it, I had been cleaning for 5 hours straight.
I did that for 3 days.
My house was cleaner than it was during the New Year's deep cleaning.
I felt like my mind was distracted a little while I was cleaning.
But when I finished cleaning, I would think about Latte again.
In the end, no matter what I was doing, Latte was on my mind.
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I rarely pray in my daily life, but for those 1 to 2 weeks, I put my hands together every day.
"Please."
"Just this one child."
That was all I could say.
Back then, I felt it was okay if none of my own wishes came true.
Making a living solely as a ceramic artist is an important dream I want to achieve.
But I was wishing for Latte's life more than that dream.
I just wished for Latte's life to be extended even a little, and to see her healthy face for a while longer.
---
About 10 days later.
The result of the pathological examination was,
"No proliferation was observed."
The moment I saw those words, I couldn't stop crying.
I put my hands together many times and,
"Thank you so much."
"Thank you."
That was all I could say.
Strangely, the words that came out naturally at that time were,
"Thank you, ancestors."
---
After that, she underwent a procedure to burn off most of the tumor.
At that time, we decided to have another fragment sent for a pathological examination just in case.
Then, unexpectedly,
proliferation was confirmed in that fragment.
Even if you get a reassuring result once, the results can differ depending on the location tested, can't they?
Through Latte's experience this time, if you ever get a result that says "it's okay" once, I recommend getting a re-examination in the case of malignant melanoma. Results can change like this.
I myself was completely reassured by the first test, so
I felt a sadness that I couldn't put into words, thinking, "Why?!?! Can that really happen?!"
---
The doctor explained,
"Because it is a disease that metastasizes quickly, deciding on a treatment plan as soon as possible is for Latte's sake."
I understand that in my head.
I was also told that if there is no metastasis to the lungs, the treatment would end there by removing the jaw.
But even after hearing that explanation, I couldn't give an answer right away.
In my head, I think that would be better for Latte.
But honestly, I still haven't been able to accept it.
Latte loves to eat.
Will she be able to enjoy her meals even after her jaw is removed?
Will she be able to eat while thinking, "This is delicious," like she used to?
I keep thinking about things like that.
"Remove half of the jaw."
When I heard those words, it was a real shock.
---
I asked many people for their opinions.
People who own dogs.
Owners whose dogs have experienced malignant melanoma.
I also consulted with the doctor.
But strangely, the answers were all different,
"You should have the surgery immediately."
"There are also ways without surgery."
"Wouldn't radiation therapy be better?"
"You should consider her age."
The more I asked,
the less I knew what the best choice for Latte was.
Because it is a disease that metastasizes quickly, deciding on a treatment plan as soon as possible is for Latte's sake.
Even so, when I think that one decision will greatly change Latte's future, I cannot decide easily.
"I have to decide quickly."
"But is this really the right choice?"
It's a cycle of that.
Is it okay for me to make such a big decision?
I think about that every day.
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Strangely, Latte is just as she always is.
She eats her meals.
She comes to cuddle.
She wants to go for walks.
Because she looks healthy,
there are moments when I think, "Is she really sick?"
---
Honestly, I still think about it many times.
I have lived my life paying attention to Latte's health, such as her meals, weight, and walks.
But I was barely able to brush her teeth.
She was a dog who really hated having her teeth brushed.
When I saw her looking uncomfortable,
there were many days when I thought, "I'll skip it for today."
The doctor also told me that brushing her teeth was important.
That's why now,
"Was that the most important thing?"
I think about that.
I don't know if brushing her teeth was really the cause.
But,
"I wish I had tried harder to brush her teeth."
That regret alone will not go away.
---
In this examination, we found that Latte's condition is not progressing very quickly.
Of course, it doesn't change the fact that she has malignant melanoma.
So I can't be relieved.
But I want to think carefully and decide what is truly the best choice for Latte, rather than deciding in a rush.
There is no conclusion to this record yet.
I intend to keep a Note of what treatment we choose and what progress she makes.
Of course, her healthy daily life too! ╰(*´︶`*)╯♡