It might not be PMS

It might not be PMS

(Series: My Period Record #2)

Here it comes again, that feeling.

My body feels heavy for no reason, and I don't want to move.
My head feels foggy, and even the slightest sound or voice makes me irritable.
The smallest things feel exhausting,
and I get the sensation that time has stopped just for me.

This feeling usually arrives in the latter half of the month.
I always used to just brush it off, thinking, 'It's just PMS (Premenstrual Syndrome), it can't be helped.'

When I was younger, the main symptoms were easy to understand—it was 'pain'.
Menstrual cramps, headaches, a heavy lower back.
In particular, the severe abdominal pain caused by endometriosis was so bad that it required surgery,
and I visited the gynecologist many times.

But in the last year or two, things have changed a little.
More than abdominal pain or bleeding,

'Fatigue,' 'lethargy,' and 'feeling down'

have started to become more prominent.

'Has menopause started because of my age?'

I even had hormone tests done thinking that.

However, the doctor's response was,
'It's still a little too early for menopause.'

'Then, what is this pain?'

I wondered that, but couldn't find an answer,
and caught up in the daily grind of housework, childcare, and work,
I lived my life trying to gloss over the confusion.

One day, I visited a psychosomatic clinic for a different reason,
and for the first time, I was diagnosed with depression.

I was surprised, but
part of me was also thinking, 'I knew it.'

The fatigue and depression I had been feeling lately
might not have been solely due to female hormones.

The body changes little by little without you noticing.

But when you get swallowed up by the busyness of daily life,
you lose even the space to listen to those changes.

In my case, it might have been easier to think it was 'because of hormones' or 'because of my period.'
I think I felt relieved by 'giving a reason' to the malaise for which there was no clear cause.

But neither the mind nor the body can stay the same forever.

Now, I have started noting the waves of my physical condition in a notebook.

For days when I feel down, I mark '△',
for days when I couldn't do anything, '×',
and for days when I could move a little, '◎', etc.,
leaving a record of myself for that day, not as an 'evaluation,' but as a 'log'.

Just being able to think, "I had three good days" in a month
has made me feel a little relieved.

Of course, there are still days when I think, "It's here again."
But on those days, I try not to push myself,
I drink warm water, keep myself cozy, and get into bed as early as possible.

Even just doing that gives me a sense that I am properly taking care of myself.

We grow older day by day without even realizing it,
and our bodies and minds change quietly.

However, we rarely have time in our daily lives to pay attention to those changes.
By the time we notice, our minds and bodies are sometimes saying, "I've reached my limit."

That is precisely why
I think we need some breathing room.

You don't have to do everything.
You don't have to be perfect.

In the space that opens up because of that,
I want to make sure I leave enough room to listen to the voice of my heart and body.

I hope I can accept getting older and the fluctuations of my body,
and live gently.

Because "now" is the youngest we will ever be,
let's be kind to ourselves and cherish who we are.

This note is the second installment of the series "My Period Record."
Next time, I plan to write about "how I spent my time after being diagnosed with depression."

Thank you so much for reading this far.

▶ Click here for Episode 1:

▶ Click here for the story of when I developed depression🕊

▶ Click here for the story of when I visited a mental health clinic🏥