My body is also a society. Kanako Nishi's "Searching for Clouds"
Come to think of it, I had been avoiding Kanako Nishi's novels.
Even though my book-loving friends had repeatedly told me, "You haven't read Kanako Nishi?" and "I recommend 'Saraba,' I think you'd like it."
I think it was probably because I felt uncomfortable with Kanako Nishi's own clear way of speaking and her sun-like energy, and also because I had a twisted sense of admiration for her.
What I realized after reading "Searching for Clouds" this time was... unlike her own character, the writing was like ripples on water.
The reason I picked up this book was because a friend reported on Instagram that she had breast cancer.
Also, as I read on, I remembered the feeling I had when my husband was hospitalized for 10 days this year.
"Searching for Clouds" is a non-fiction book by Kanako Nishi that begins with the discovery of her breast cancer in Vancouver, Canada, in 2021 during the COVID-19 pandemic.
I think I wanted to get energy from Nishi-san's words after receiving my friend's breast cancer report. My friend is young and a mother. I think I was lost as to what I could offer her.
However, this book was not fighting against anything.
Of course, cancer is scary. If I could, I wouldn't have wanted to get it. But I never resented the cancer that had formed until the end. It was cancer that I created, inside my own body. That's why I stopped using the word 'fighting' the disease. I didn't use the phrase 'beating the illness' either. This is, after all, treatment. It is not a fight. The cancer that happened to be born and is trying to live is in my right breast. That is the fact, and that is all.
The more Nishi-san faces her own body, the clearer the surrounding scenery becomes, and the way she sees society changes.
Even though she should be facing the tiny cancer cells inside her body,
her perspective continues to expand.
To the problems society holds, and even to the conflict in distant Afghanistan.
As I read on, I felt the fuzzy, dust-like worries in the corners of my life being turned into words.
And the people in Vancouver, Canada, are "individuals" even if they are medical professionals. Equality, work-life balance, and quality of life are thoroughly ingrained.
In other words, they emphasize at every opportunity that anyone has the potential to become a drug user. It is not a choice, but a mental illness.
...
I think the will to treat humans as fellow human beings, regardless of their state, is the underlying foundation of Vancouver. Drug users are not 'lazy people drowning in pleasure,' and certainly not 'monsters who have ceased to be human.' They are the same human beings, they are right next to us, and there is no clear line between us.
Even as a patient, if you don't properly express your opinions and raise questions, it is assumed you have no stance. Conversely, if you state your case properly, they will acknowledge it as the "individual's wish."
The relationship between the caregiver and the one being cared for is thin there.
Even for a surgery to remove a breast, you are discharged the next day.
And I am encouraged by the fact that the people supporting her are friends, cancer survivors, and the community, not just family.
I feel my wounds healing through the words they (they) directed at Nishi-san.
In my 20s, I was afraid of getting older. Youth is everything; it's over once you become an old woman.
...
In other words, I was being threatened after all.
But now that I have aged and become an old woman myself, I wonder what I was so afraid of. Just because you've become an old woman doesn't mean you need to put a limit on your own joy.
Getting older should be a celebration of your own life.
...
Of course, I feel physical decline. And I am suffering from triple-negative breast cancer. But I should not lose my joy.
In the summer, my husband was hospitalized for about 10 days. It was a planned surgery for a chronic condition, but
thanks to the nurse's careful care and schedule management, my husband lived a healthier life than usual and looked radiant. On the other hand, I was exhausted from solo parenting and daily hospital visits; the contrast between my husband and me must have been comical.
My husband also looked apologetic.
I was trying to overcome everything on my own.
(At this stage, I haven't been able to put this feeling into words yet...)
My body is also a society.I gave it such a grandiose title. I wanted to explain the reason for this properly in the text, but I couldn't do it well.
However, this is my honest impression after finishing this book.
I will likely read this book again and again.
I want the characters in this book, as well as the works quoted within it, to continue to support me in the future.
An aside
After finishing "Searching for Clouds," I had a vague thought that I wanted to live in Vancouver. I longed for it, wondering if it might be a more comfortable place to live than Japan.
Just then, past episodes of "Ryo Asai and Chie Kato's All Night Nippon 0" were released as a podcast. Since I follow Ryo Asai's (the person himself) activities, I listened to them with delight.
The email theme for the program broadcast on September 2, 2023, was "What you would blurt out right before losing consciousness if you were put under general anesthesia now.".
It seems this was because the story of Kanako Nishi, after returning to Japan, shouting "I feel so relieved! (because unlike the hospital in Vancouver, the medical setting in Japan provides thorough care)" when being put under general anesthesia for a follow-up surgery in Japan, was considered funny.
Books and reality are different, aren't they? I woke up from my dream. Well, I suppose it's true that the explanations at the hospital in Vancouver were rough, and having to do post-surgical disinfection and care at home is naturally anxiety-inducing.
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いただいたチップで新しい本を買おうと思います！読み終わったら感想文書きますね