[SEO Writing] How and where to fix it? I tried editing the whole thing

Hello. I am Machika-sensei, a writing teacher. While I am a writing teacher on note, I also have another face (?) as a content director for web production (freelance). You didn't know? That's right, I might have said it for the first time today.

In my work, I am an editorial writer who handles both print and web. I write myself, and I also direct other writers. And actually, securing writers is also one of my jobs. Production companies tell me, 'You can choose from the writers registered with us, or you can bring in your own.'

Since I am addicted to the printed word, I love reading through various people's notes, and even though I work as a 'writing teacher' on note, sometimes my scout instinct pops out. Like, 'Oh, this writer is wonderful!'

The person I would like to introduce this time is this person♡

She is an occupational therapist who has built her career in various stages such as recovery, convalescence, day rehabilitation, home rehabilitation, and terminal care. My first impression when I read her note article for the first time was, 'What a gentle way she weaves her words.'

Mahoro-san has just started as a writer as a side job, and she says she wants to be more active in the future. After hearing her thoughts, I made a request to her.

'Please let me edit your portfolio article.'

I'm sure she was very surprised. It was an intrusive offer to edit it publicly. But she readily agreed. Thank you. With gratitude, these are the three things I promised her.

・I will make it a note article that analyzes the appeal of writer Mahoro Minase
・I will help make it a sample article that makes people want to hire her
・I will provide professional-grade editing & feedback

I will talk about the reason why I decided to make the public editing a note article in the afterword.

Also, there is something I would like to tell you before we get into the actual editing.Editing is done according to a 'purpose.' This is not a claim that this is the only correct way to write.Therefore, the editing in this article is done with the image (policy) of having it viewed by potential clients as a sample of SEO writing. Please note that this is not a technique (note writing technique) that can be used as-is for most people's note article posts, including myself (*^-^*)

Well then, first, please take a look at Mahoro-san's original article. I have attached it as an image, so I think you can read it by clicking to enlarge.

The total character count is about 3500 characters. It is just the right length for an SEO article. (Counted excluding the reference URL list)

This is the text that accompanies the sample article in Mahoro-san's portfolio. It describes her thoughts on this sample article.

I have emphasized the bold text. Being after the first childbirth means that the first child-rearing has just begun. There is a lot of anxiety, hormones are a mess, and it's just tough. It is a cheering article written for such women.

'Trying my best' is good, isn't it? It is a 'trying my best' that painfully conveys the 'I have to try my best' and 'but I can't try anymore' that lie between the lines. Yes, she wants to try her best, she is thinking of trying her best, so it is painful and she is worried. I was attracted to Mahoro-san's sense of choosing the words 'trying my best' instead of 'postpartum common occurrences' to convey that conflict. This is an example of being able to 'empathize' with the reader without using the word 'empathize'. Actually, there are not many writers who can do this from the beginning. That's why, when I read this phrase, I thought, 'This person is amazing'♡

Structure Proposal

Let's extract the structure.

The h2 main headings and h3 subheadings correspond well, which is great. For SEO articles, having 3 to 4 h2 headings makes for a substantial read, so that rule is also followed perfectly! The flow of 'Causes -> Things you can do yourself -> Relying on others -> The results' is neatly organized. Including reference URLs is also trustworthy, and it's rare for a writer to include them in a sample. I have a very favorable impression.

Even compared to the search results for 'postpartum sleep deprivation' (the top 5 sites = SEO competitors), I think the structure is fine. The basic rule for SEO articles is not to summarize competitor sites, but rather to add even more useful information based on the content of competitor sites, right? That is being strictly followed here.

If I were to offer advice, the title has '4', and the h2s have '3', '4', and '3', so there are a lot of numbers appearing; organizing those would make it look cleaner. If you use them, it might be good to only keep numbers in the h2 main headings that answer the title.

Title

In this article, 'postpartum' is the main keyword and 'sleep deprivation' is the sub-keyword. In SEO articles, there is a rule to place keywords at the beginning of the title, so it's wonderful that this is being followed♡

And when searching for 'postpartum sleep deprivation', an AI-generated overview is displayed at the very top, and 'Related questions' appear below that. This is also a hint. It's not about using them as items as-is, but rather creating the article with the awareness that 'readers want to know these things'—in other words, applying it to the landing. The 'People also search for' section at the bottom of the search results page is also a hint for writing.

<Related questions>
What happens if postpartum sleep deprivation continues?
When does postpartum sleep deprivation peak?
Is postpartum sleep deprivation bad for your mental health?
What are the effects of sleep deprivation during the puerperium?

Also, looking at the titles of competitor sites, they use words like 'measures', 'getting through', 'improvement', and 'resolution'. People searching for 'postpartum sleep deprivation' are looking for information because they want to solve that problem. You are also using 'measures', Mahoro-san! That's spot on!

If I were to make changes, it would be the 'Successfully cope with simple' part. Perhaps, or rather, I was like this myself, but when you are cornered by sleep deprivation, you don't have the energy left to 'cope'... I'm done! It's impossible! I want to sleep until morning! It would be great if you could incorporate that inner cry.

And the point is, a mom searching with this keyword isn't being selfish by wanting to sleep as much as she likes; she also has a sense of concern that it might have a bad influence on her child. Let's make a title that resonates with those moms.

4 Simple Measures to Successfully Cope with Postpartum Sleep Deprivation (26 characters)
↓
Is Postpartum Sleep Deprivation the Cause of Parenting Anxiety? 4 Concrete Measures to Resolve the Pain of Not Being Able to Sleep (34 characters)

When displayed as a search result, the end part (4 concrete measures) will be cut off, but since I want to show the part before that, it's okay this time.

'The pain of not being able to sleep' is a sympathetic phrase. I changed 'measures' to 'concrete measures' because I judged that the search volume for 'postpartum sleep deprivation measures' is not that high, so it's fine to change it. If you want to get closer to the feelings of moms who want to do something about it right now, they should want to know more specific methods. Above all, since concrete measures were clearly shown in the latter half of your article, Mahoro-san, I thought I wanted to utilize that in the title (*^-^*)

Lead

An introduction (lead) of about 200 characters is appropriate, so 255 characters was a bit long. Try not to use too many line breaks and create paragraphs (blocks) to make it easier to read.

Also, postpartum sleep deprivation is a common worry not only after the first child but also after the second, so I will dare to omit it so as not to limit the reader (target) of the article too much. It is very good that you imagine a new mom after her first birth as the persona when you create an article, so that is fine♡

Moms struggling with sleep deprivationdue to crying at night or breastfeeding every few hours. You want to sigh, thinking, "I finally got the baby to sleep, and now they're awake again." It is said that if sleep deprivation continues, you get irritable, and you may feel self-loathing because you lack the patience to interact with your baby. Especially for a while after childbirth, the rhythm between mom and baby doesn't match, and the mom's sleep deprivation is serious. In this article, we will explain in detail how even moms after childbirth can sleep efficiently. Please try this for the smiles of moms after childbirth and their babies. (210 characters)

I made some adjustments like this. In SEO articles, there is an aspect where you inevitably move away from friendliness and naturalness. It's a dilemma, but it can't be helped. I have bolded the keywords, so please take a look. Each is used three times. Such repetition is also a feature of SEO articles. Considering the keyword usage rate, we should include at least this much.

1st paragraph (1st main heading)

The main heading of the original manuscript was "3 causes of sleep deprivation after childbirth." If you remove the number to prevent confusion, I think "What are the causes of sleep deprivation after childbirth?" is fine♪

Mahoro-san, that's amazing✨ Your keyword usage rate is already perfect♡ You will get used to paragraph creation quickly, so there's no problem.

After childbirth, for a while, many moms tend to suffer from sleep deprivation due to taking care of their babies. It is said that sleep deprivation, which you don't know how long will last, places a heavy burden on a mom's mind and body. Why does after childbirth sleep deprivation occur? We will explain the causes of after childbirth sleep deprivation and the mental and physical distress that sleep deprivation causes for moms.

I rewrote it. Keywords appear almost to the point of being tedious, right? I've twisted it a bit with "sleep deprivation after childbirth" and "postpartum sleep deprivation," and scattered the keywords throughout.

I will provide feedback on each subheading. When you told me, Mahoro-san, that you wanted to write this edited article, you said, "I will use your feedback to make revisions." Assuming you post this as a portfolio piece,some clients might say, "Instead of the published version, could you show me the original manuscript? I want to see what kind of drafts you write."So, in that sense, I think Mahoro-san'sprofessional mindset as a writerto revise it yourself is wonderful♡

The sense you showed by placing the section on hormonal balance changes at the beginning of the subheading, and the intention behind it, are excellent. Why? Because it serves as a message to moms that "it's not your fault." This is also another example of yourability to empathize, Mahoro-san. Wow, I'm impressed.

As advice, since there are many types of "hormones" in us humans, it would be good to list a few hormone names related to the postpartum period. Something like, "XX hormone, YY hormone, etc." Since you have attached reference sites, let's pull information from credible sources.

The term "parenting stress" might be a bit vague. As the original manuscript says "baby care," I truly understand that being pushed around by frequent care is stressful. I would like you to reconsider whether it is appropriate to call that "parenting stress." When in doubt, try searching for it to see what kind of nuance that term (parenting stress) is used with.

Making the types of stress into atable was a great choice☆ It's easy to understand at a glance, isn't it! Looking at it, maybe "postpartum mom's stress" would be a perfect fit...? This part depends on the writer, so please try to refine it.

Refresh! I get it! That's right, refreshing is important✨ ...but it was a bit of a shame that this is aparagraph about causes, so it would make the article cleaner if youdid not touch on solutions yet☆ Here, I recommend adding information such as the fact that there are various types of hormones and that they are things moms cannot control themselves (*^-^*)

There is a saying: "one sentence, one meaning." It is a basic rule of writing to write only one piece of information in a single sentence. I think this also applies to paragraphs. Focus on writing only one topic in a single paragraph. It will stop you from getting lost when writing, so I definitely want you to try it.

Explaining by the baby's age in months is really good! When writing articles related to childcare, something to be especially careful about is that even a difference of one or two months can mean a big difference in a child's condition. On the other hand, there are individual differences, so it is a point where one might struggle with how to express it. I think it is good to proceed while confirming with the client. (In the childcare media I was in charge of before, the policy was not to include examples where growth was faster than standard, but it was okay to include them if they were slower. The reason was to prevent parents who read the article from comparing and feeling down.)

What I thought was excellent in Mahoro-san's manuscript was the phrase, "It is only after 8 months that they finally sleep for around 8 hours." In the explanation about the title, I mentioned that the "related questions" and "people also search for" columns are clues for article creation. There, it was shown that people are searching because they want to know about postpartum sleep deprivation, how long it lasts, and when it peaks.

The phrase Mahoro-san wrote, "It is only after 8 months that they finally sleep for around 8 hours," is important information that answers what the reader wants to know. For those who are struggling, having a clear outlook is very helpful. Isn't it? ♪ I thought that this ability to empathize is indeed the strength of writer Mahoro Minase.

As I mentioned in the previous item, it would be better if you didn't write about "postpartum depression" or "let's use public services and support from those around us" here, as they will be touched upon in the following paragraphs. Instead, it would be good to increase the information about the baby's sleep rhythm and internal clock☆

2nd paragraph (2nd main heading)

The main heading of the original manuscript was "4 ways to get high-quality sleep to combat postpartum depression." This is the paragraph that corresponds to the article title. Sleep deprivation is a factor in postpartum depression, but it might be startling to include it in a main heading for many moms, and focusing on postpartum depression is not the purpose of the article, so let's move this to a subheading. How about "4 tips for postpartum moms to get high-quality sleep"?

In SEO articles, the point is to include the keywords you want to target in the main headings as well. Look. Mahoro-san has done that firmly in the original manuscript. That is wonderful✨

A quick piece of advice here. You have "the painful parts of sleep deprivation" in the lead, but "painful" (tsurai) should be written in hiragana as "tsurai". You can check these things in the Kisha Handbook (Reporter's Handbook), so let's write while looking things up♡ I still look things up while creating my own drafts even now. (By the way, I follow the Kisha Handbook for work drafts, but I do it intuitively for note. This article is like that too!)

It is well known that sleep deprivation can trigger postpartum depression. Not being able to sleep is truly exhausting. I was also stunned, feeling like I wasn't myself, thinking, "Was I the kind of person who thinks things like this?" Let's sleep, everyone, sleep is important!

In this paragraph, you have "Postpartum depression involves..." at the beginning. Later on, you have "Moms are prone to sleep deprivation starting from pregnancy...". If possible, I think reversing the order (making it chronological) would provide a cushion for the postpartum moms who are the readers, making the article feel softer♪

If you frame it as: feeling painful or exhausted isn't because you aren't trying hard enough, but because of sleep deprivation, and since it might lead to postpartum depression, try to find ways to get some sleep, the flow of the text will become smoother. It would be even better if you had a sentence that connects to the measures ① to ④ that follow. Please use this as a reference when rewriting♡

Let's look at measures ① to ④ together. First of all, the fact that the ends of the subheadings for ① to ④ are all verbs is perfect✨ If parts of speech like nouns, adjectives, and verbs are mixed, it becomes extremely unnatural. Although readers might not be conscious of that part, it is very significant in terms of the quality of the delivered manuscript. It's a difference in perfection, I suppose.

Regarding "Measure ① Match the baby's sleep rhythm." The content is OK♡ In this section, for example, many moms think they have to do the chores that have piled up when the baby sleeps, but if possible, if you casually include a "mom-relatable" point, I think it will become an article that resonates with people♪

Regarding "Measure ② Let go of stereotypes and rest properly." The content is OK♡ Shall we touch upon what kind of stereotypes the stereotypes in the subheading are? If it gets a bit long, you could say "Let go of the stereotype that you must do it because you are a mom," and since this article is about telling moms to rest, it's okay to remove the word "rest"!

Regarding "Measure ③ Create an environment where it is easy to sleep." The content is OK♡ Bullet points are easy to read, but if only this part is a bulleted list, it will stand out, and since each item in the original manuscript is written as a sentence, I don't think the clarity will be lost if you write it as a sentence like the others☆

Regarding "Measure ④ Refrain from caffeine and alcohol." The content is OK♡ It's a bit shorter in volume compared to the other items, so I think it's fine to add a little more. For example, by inserting a cushion phrase like "It's painful to give up your favorite luxuries, but...", you can increase the character count without it feeling unnatural.

3rd paragraph (3rd main heading)

The main heading of the original manuscript was "Make it easier with support other than sleep! 3 ideas to support postpartum moms." To prevent confusion, let's remove the number, and since support and encouragement overlap in meaning, let's combine them. How about something like "Establish a postpartum support system to secure sleep time for moms"? I've also included keywords to polish it up.

The introduction (lead) after the h2 looks better if it's at least 100 characters, so please try adding one more sentence♡

The three ideas Mahoro-san introduced also have consistent verb endings for the subheadings, which is really great✨ Writers who pay attention to such details are very valuable (*^-^*)

This item needs a little caution. It's not that there is a problem with Mahoro-san's original manuscript, but there is a possibility that readers will retort, "Isn't 'dad' a party involved?". Since this area also relates to the concept of the website where it will be published, please consult with the client when writing as a job♡

This is really great! Since there are still many people who are resistant to receiving external services, I thought it was wonderful to suggest it to them✨ I remembered regarding the cost, but depending on your workplace, you may be able to receive subsidies for childcare services or housekeeping services as part of your employee benefits, so I think it would be useful information to touch upon that as well. Quite a lot of people don't use them, you know...

That's really good~! When you are seriously, truly worried, you don't even think about consulting someone and end up bottling up your worries. It's important to convey again, even in writing, that it's okay to consult someone and that you should try talking about it✨

The introduction (lead) after the h3 is a bit short, so please try adding one more sentence to make it over 100 characters. And, this is a mention based on "readability" and "my personal preference," but the number of items picked up in the bulleted list is high. I think it would be good to narrow it down a little. For example, as for consultation partners, dad, family, friends, and mom friends are within expectations, so I also recommend the method of boldly omitting them from the bulleted list and incorporating them into the main text just before that☆

Then, it will be neat with midwife, public health nurse, local government childcare consultation center, and obstetrics and gynecology clinic♪ Also, if possible, why not add "pediatrics"? Because your regular pediatrician is a very reassuring consultation partner♡

4th paragraph (4th main heading)

It's finally the last paragraph! We will summarize the article and head toward the conclusion. First, from the main heading.

The main heading of the original manuscript was "When a mom's sleep deprivation is resolved, the home becomes brighter." It is very wonderful because Mahoro-san's thoughts, written for the shining smiles of moms, come through♡

And, this is fine as it is, but I will tell you a little technique for phrasing. "If/when ~~, ~~" can sometimes sound like the first half is a 'condition'. People who are cornered by something react sensitively to such conditional sentences. For example, like "Is it my fault that things aren't going well!?"... Even if there is no intention to blame anyone, I think it is important to be aware that people in such painful situations may also see the article. To avoid such misunderstandings or misreadings, how about "Postpartum mom's smile is the key to resolving sleep deprivation" here?

Actually, I want to write it as "kagi" (in katakana), but in the Reporter's Handbook, it is "鍵" (kanji)...! Ah, it's really frustrating at times like this.

Yes, yes, I think it's a very good flow♡ Here too, as mentioned earlier, please divide it into paragraphs. At that time, postpartum sleep deprivation is experienced by everyone -> it doesn't last forever -> get through it while getting support from those around you until it settles down -> positive message, let's create a group of sentences while being conscious of these steps☆

Afterword

Now, it's the afterword. I'd like to talk about why I decided to make the public editing a note article, and summarize this article.

18 years ago, I decided to become a freelance writer suddenly from absolutely no experience and became one. You are free to call yourself a freelance writer, but finding work and continuing to earn money is quite difficult.

With no one to rely on, when I was rejected by a client and asked, "Please tell me what is wrong," they flatly said, "I requested this as a job, so I won't give you guidance. Please submit a usable manuscript in one go. It's a nuisance," and (I went home and) cried loudly, but I knew they were right, so I was frustrated and frustrated with myself for being like that.

I read books on writing, copied articles I wanted to use as models, and made efforts in my own way to get this far. What I always thought about when I was a budding writer. That was "I want to hear a careful explanation about the parts of the manuscript that were corrected". I wanted to hear a more detailed explanation than feedback (business communication).

Just reading books or learning at seminars makes it a little hard to understand, so I want advice that is more concrete and more useful...!

I provide feedback as carefully as possible to the writers I am currently working with. However, since I started my note two months ago, I learned that there are surprisingly many web writers who want to learn about writing. If that's the case, I thought writing an article like this might be helpful for them.

Mahoro-san, thank you so much for indulging my selfishness. While editing your work this time, I was once again keenly aware that your charm as a writer lies in your high level of empathy♡

I am sure you will be very successful in the medical and nursing care genre in the future. It can be said that your past career will be utilized as a strength as a writer, and it can also be said that your past career has shaped who you are as Mahoro-san. I am sure these two things will continue to support you as a pair of wheels.

Now that more people are starting out as writers as a side job, and now that know-how can be obtained on the web, I hope that this live-feeling writing guidance will be of some help to everyone, precisely because it is now.

Mahoro Minase-san has written an article about this SEO article editing! I was very happy that she accepted my feelings about what article editing means to a writer.

And I realized that I don't understand myself as well as I thought I did. Mahoro-san's straightforward feelings seem to gently melt my heart, which tends to overthink things.

Thank you♡
I look forward to working with you in the future too♡ (Is this a private message...?)