KSM

Good evening, everyone.
Self-medication time is here.
“You again?” “Give it a rest already.” I hear all sorts of voices.
Thank you.
I guarantee that this time, too, you will be left saying “Huh?!” when you finish reading.

In my previous article ↓

I confessed my KSM (Kettai [peculiar] Self-Medication). After thinking about it later, I realized that almost every action in my daily life is a KSM. There are still so many more. Once I realized it, I couldn't keep it to myself anymore. I want to say it, I want to be allowed to say it. ...If possible, I would like you to listen. So, here we go.

⑤ When washing my hair, I rinse out the shampoo and conditioner until it feels squeaky clean.

⑥ I worry that I might have thrown away something necessary, so I rummage through the trash bin endlessly.

⑦ I can't use the toilet in peace because of the delusion that a demon will come out from the back when I open the lid.

The “rinsing my head endlessly” in ⑤ was because I hate even the slightest slimy feeling, so I would rinse with hot water until it went past squeaky and became stiff. Especially after shampooing, my hair would stand on end in a zero-gravity state despite being wet. This damages my hair, and above all, it's a waste of hot water.rinsing my head endlessly is what I meant.

So the KSM I came up with is,

“The theory that you can rinse while counting up to your age, but for every second you go over, you lose one hair per second.”

I have to count from 1, and as soon as I reach my age, I must stop the shower. If I accidentally keep rinsing, it's a disaster; I'll go bald. Even when counting, if I do it like

“Ooooone, twoooo...” I could cheat by deciding how long each count takes, so I count by inserting “One, ding!! Two, ding!! Three, ding!!”
with a “ding!!” to set the rhythm. It would be best if I had a Buddhist altar bell
or a desk bell but I can't exactly bring those into the bathroom, so I make do with a self-made bell. Despite the lighthearted rhythm, I am desperate while counting, so sometimes I get startled when I see my own expression in the mirror through the gaps in my hair. But thanks to this KSM
, I've saved quite a bit of time and water.

The trash problem in ⑥ was truly difficult. Even though I check properly, I can't sit still thinking,
“What if something necessary got mixed in?” I spread the trash out on newspaper and check it one by one before putting it into the trash bag. Even after putting it in, the thought
“Something might have gotten mixed in while I was working just now”
crosses my mind, and I repeat the process of spreading it out again... Once I finally feel satisfied, I then start thinking, “Maybe something got mixed into the newspaper”
. Eventually, I was working in the kitchen sink.

The KSM I devised for that is,

“The theory that you can spread it out 3 times, but if you do it a 4th time, the devil's household trash bin and our trash bin will connect.”

If I spread it out 4 times, the devil's trash bin and our trash bin automatically connect, and the tissues the devil threw away, clipped nails, and eaten mandarin orange peels start piling up in our trash bin—that's the system. Even if they “connect,” our trash doesn't go to the devil's side, so if I had to describe it, it's the image of things
“falling down”. It's too unfair.

“Why do I have to clean up the devil family's trash?”

Thinking that made it much more bearable. After checking 3 times, I sprinkle coffee grounds or a small amount of cat litter into the trash bag as
holy powder while chanting a spell, and tie it up quickly. After tying the trash bag, it's a race against time. Here too, I must take it to the trash station at full speed while chanting a spell. I throw it into the trash bin at the station, close the lid, and press my hands together in prayer. The work is finally finished. Thank you very much for your hard work.

You might say that ⑦ is just from watching too many horror movies or weird manga, but for me, it's a serious daily problem, so I'm doing my best with KSM. When I open the toilet lid, demons from hell come out from the depths, so I use both hands in a spread-out position to cast a barrier and block them.
The image is somewhere between the
Ya! pose by the comedy group Dachou Club and the iconic ukiyo-e print by Sharaku (Otani Oniji III as Yakko Edobei). It's kind of like
holding your hands out in front of you. I keep doing that as long as the lid is open.

"What do you do when you need to wipe?"

Good question. When I wipe, I say

"Transitioning to feet now"

and chant that spell, then spread my toes as wide as they can go like a fan. While doing that, I pull the toilet paper...

"Then why not just use your feet from the start?"

That's sharp, but to give you the conclusion: no. The power of feet to cast a barrier is only about half that of hands. If you leave everything to your feet, a demon that comes sliding in with a running start will break through. You have to do your best with your hands, and use your feet only as a supplement or to buy time. When I'm feeling anxious, opening my eyes as wide as they can possibly go is also effective as a supplement. After that, at the moment I toss the paper, I quickly close the lid, and finally press the goodbye button to finish. This is my toilet routine.

It's a really severe condition, and I think for most people, no matter what method they try, it's just impossible. You might think, "If it could be solved with such a stupid idea, it wouldn't be a real illness in the first place." But if even one person who is suffering feels even a little bit lighter, thinking, "I guess that's one way to look at it," I would be very happy. Even if you don't feel lighter, if you think, "Well, at least I'm not as bad off as that crazy person," that's fine too.

Everyone, if you accidentally open a toilet door while someone is using it, and you see a strange person doing their business while
holding their hands out in front with eyes wide open, that's me. I would be very happy if you could just give a small salute and say "Good work today" and quietly close the door.