Is there any point in living with that kind of distrust of people?

That's great, that's the kind of thing that lights a fire in Ryang-shi's 'sea blood'.
You could group 3-4 songs together into a mini-chapter, like a little 'Tidal Cycle'.
I thought of it as having a mix of a beach event from Story of Seasons and a Sentai episode.
Simple, but with a sense of mystery lurking underneath.

1. 《Bone Flute of the Tide》

Concept:
Ryang-shi picks up an old bone flute dropped by a seabird.
When played, a 'voice looking for a place to return to' answers from the bottom of the sea.
A slightly sad, yet somehow humorous, call-and-response song amidst the waves.

Tags:
#SeaSpirit #BoneInstrument #TidalFolk #SlightlyFunnyHorror #NightOfTheMaskedPharmacist

2. 《Okhotsk Driftwood》

Concept:
Driftwood that arrived caught in the shadow of drift ice tells the memories of the ancestors of the Okhotsk (Okhotsk people).
Ryang-shi acts as a medium for these 'washed-up memories' and turns them into a song.
A core song for the worldview.


Tags:#Okhotsk #AncestralSpirits #SeaAndMemory #WashedUpStories #SpiritUser
3. 《Evening Calm Circus》



Concept:A small seaside circus that only appears on the beach during the evening calm.
A seal trainer, a bubble clown, a sea-breeze fire-breathing bird...
Ryang-shi wanders in and plays with a slightly surreal and cute world.
A fantasy song leaning towards humor.


Tags:#EveningCalm #SeaFairies #SurrealCute #StrangeCircus #Fantastic
4. 《Mask of Blue Rust》



Concept:On nights when acting as a Masked Pharmacist, sometimes the 'murmur of the tide' stains the mask blue.
A sense of unease as if being called by the sea + beautiful serenity.
A song depicting the 'instinct of sea blood' behind the mischievous-cool persona.

Tags:

#MaskedPharmacist #CallOfTheSea #QuietMadness #Azure #MischievousCoolIf you want to mix in more worldviews, like 'Ainu x Sea x Ayurveda', I can adjust it to fit that.
Do you want to dig deeper into these 4 songs?

Or should we narrow it down to 3 songs this time?

Alright, I've put together an album that mixes all of Ryang-shi's 'Sea x Okhotsk x Ainu x Ayurveda x Spirit User' into one 'deep current'.
A total of

12 songs.Like a single myth, it starts in the sea fog, and becomes a journey where medicinal smoke, tide, and the pulse of the stars mingle.
《Album: The Seaweed Crown and the Masked Pharmacist》
(Umimojano Oukan to Kamen Yakushi)

A concept album where Ryang-shi's sea blood 'rises as a story'.

01 | Prologue of Tidal Fog


Tags:

#Prologue #SeaFog #PresenceOfSpirits #OkhotskWind02 | Mask of Blue Rust

Tags:

#MaskedPharmacist #AzureCall #QuietMadness03 | Bone Flute of the Tide

Tags:

#BoneInstrument #SeaSpirit #SlightlyScaryHumor04 | Okhotsk Driftwood

Tags:

#AncestralSpirits #DriftwoodMemory #OldSong05 | Sea Medicinal Bath (Ayur-Mare)

Tags:

#Ayurveda #SeaHerbs #FogPrescription06 | Evening Calm Circus

Tags:

#SurrealCute #Fairies #BeachIllusion07 | Lullaby of the Sea Bear

Tags:

#OkhotskBearGod #Swaying #ClumsyKindness08 | Shaman Road of the Whirlpool

Tags:

#SpiritUser #SpiralPath #SeaRitual09 | Prism of Sea Salt

Tags:

#SaltMagic #LightRefraction #FantasticFolkSong10 | Crown of White Waves (Crown of Kereu)

Tags:

#CrownLegend #WaveGoddess #AncientSeaPeople11 | Deep Night Tale

Tags:

#NightOfTheMaskedPharmacist #VoiceFromTheSeabed #StorytellerOfSilence12 | Returning Tide (Kicho)

Tags:

#Return #TidalBlood #Ending #QuietLightI can increase the number of songs to make it a 'two-disc Sea God Chronicle', or I can rearrange these 12 songs to match the flow of the concept.Do you want to increase the number of songs?

Or should we refine these 12 songs more deeply?

Understood, I have compiled English prompts for AI music composition for 12 tracks.
They are designed to capture the poetic and fantastic world of the Ryang-Sea, specifically the 'Sea × Mist × Ancestral Spirits × Masked Healer' themes.
※Instrumental tracks are clearly marked.

AI Music Prompts (12 tracks)

✔1. Tide-Mist Prologue — Instrumental

Prompt:
“Create a calm, mystical instrumental piece that opens an oceanic fantasy world.
Blend soft tide-mist ambience, distant conch-shell tones, and gentle wooden percussion.
The music should feel like the sea inhaling—ancient, quiet, and filled with the presence of unseen spirits.”

2. Blue-Rusted Mask

Prompt:
“Compose a mysterious and slightly eerie track with cool blue tones.
Combine subtle tribal drums, whisper-like vocals, and metallic textures as if a mask is resonating.
The mood is calm but haunted, pulled by an ancestral call from the sea.”

3. Bone Flute of the Tides

Prompt:
“Create a playful yet uncanny folk-style song centered on a bone flute motif.
Include gentle waves, light plucked strings, and a whimsical rhythm, as if responding to voices rising from the ocean floor—humorous, but with an eerie undertone.”

4. Okhotsk Driftwood Memories

Prompt:
“Compose a slow, emotional track that feels like memories washed ashore.
Use deep drums, breathy flute, and drifting ambient pads.
The tone is ancient and reflective, tied to the spirits of the Okhotsk people and their long journey across the sea.”

5. Sea Herbal Bath — Ayur-Mare — Instrumental

Prompt:
“Create a soothing instrumental piece inspired by Ayurvedic rituals blended with oceanic elements.
Use warm drones, water sounds, soft chimes, and gentle rhythmic pulses.
It should feel like a healing bath infused with marine herbs and mist.”

6. Sunset Calm Circus

Prompt:
“Compose a whimsical, surreal track with playful instruments—accordion, bells, quirky percussion.
The mood is dreamlike and slightly odd, like a tiny seaside circus appearing during the evening calm.
Add hints of magic and gentle humor.”

7. Lullaby of the Sea-Bear

Prompt:
“Create a warm, gentle lullaby featuring deep, soft drums and humming vocals.
The melody should feel protective but clumsy—like a big, ancient sea bear rocking a child.
Use ocean ambience and slow, swaying rhythms.”

8. Whirlpool Shaman Road — Instrumental

Prompt:
“Compose a ritualistic instrumental track with rhythmic patterns that spiral like a whirlpool.
Use frame drums, overtone chanting, and swirling ambient textures.
The atmosphere should feel ceremonial and powerful—walking the shaman’s path across the ocean currents.”

9. Prism of Salted Algae

Prompt:
“Create a bright, magical track with sparkling tones and soft folk instruments.
Include shimmering textures like refracted light through salt crystals.
The mood is playful, curious, and lightly mystical—an oceanic fairy tale.”

10. White Crown of Waves — Crown of Kerew

Prompt:
“Compose a majestic ocean-fantasy track with wide, sweeping melodies and deep drums.
The tone is regal and ancient, as if describing a sea goddess or the crown formed by cresting waves.
Blend tribal influence with cinematic grandeur.”

11. Night Deep-Whisper — Instrumental

Prompt:
“Create a quiet, introspective instrumental piece for nighttime by the sea.
Use low flutes, soft pads, and faint heart-like pulsations.
The atmosphere is intimate—listening to the ocean speak in its deepest voice.”

12. Returning Tide

Prompt:
“Compose a calm, emotional ending track with a sense of homecoming.
Use soft strings, gentle waves, and a hopeful melody.
The feeling is peaceful and warm, like returning to the sea that has always been calling.”

If needed, I can also create:
・Shorter 'AI composition tag versions'
・Tempo instructions for each track
・Detailed specifications for instruments used.

Understood, then I will divide them into Tracks 1–6 / Tracks 7–12 and write
“Long-form prompts with a narrative feel for AI composition” thoroughly.
They are designed to make it easy to convert the poetic and fantastic worldview directly into sound.

🌊 Tracks 1–6: Long-form Prompts

✔1. Tide-Mist Prologue — Instrumental

Long Prompt:
“Compose a spacious, atmospheric instrumental that opens an ancient sea-myth.
Imagine a shoreline covered in thick silver mist, where unseen spirits hover just beyond sight.
Use soft tide-wash textures, faint conch-shell resonance, and distant wooden drums that sound like a heartbeat muffled by fog.
Melodies should be minimal and drifting, almost like the sea inhaling slowly.
The overall tone is calm, sacred, and slightly expectant—an introduction to a world where ocean spirits and wandering healers coexist.”

2. Blue-Rusted Mask

Long Prompt:
“Create a mysterious, cool-toned track centered on the feeling of a mask infused with seawater and old memories.
Blend subtle metallic resonances, low tribal drums, and airy whisper-like vocals.
Add textures that feel corroded by salt, as if the mask itself remembers something ancient.
The mood should be both alluring and unsettling: a quiet call from the sea that the listener cannot ignore.
Hints of melancholy, ancestral presence, and deep-blue atmosphere should color the entire piece.”

3. Bone Flute of the Tides

Long Prompt:
“Compose a whimsical yet eerie folk-inspired song built around the motif of a bone flute found on a tide-washed beach.
The melody should feel playful but slightly off-kilter, like a conversation with spirits who joke in strange ways.
Use light plucked strings, soft wooden percussion, and gentle surf sounds.
Occasional hints of deeper, echoing voices from the ocean floor should add an uncanny humor.
The tone is a blend of childlike curiosity and mild creepiness, as though the sea itself is teasing the listener.”

4. Okhotsk Driftwood Memories

Long Prompt:
“Craft a slow, emotional track that feels like memories drifting across long distances.
Picture a piece of ancient driftwood arriving from the Okhotsk Sea, carrying voices and stories of a seafaring people.
Use breathy flutes, deep frame drums, and ambient pads that drift in and out like fog over water.
The melody should be mournful yet warm—nostalgic but proud, as if honoring ancestors who traveled by sea.
The overall mood is reflective, sacred, and deeply connected to the lineage of a northern oceanic culture.”

✔5. Sea Herbal Bath — Ayur-Mare — Instrumental

Long Prompt:
“Compose a soothing, meditative instrumental inspired by an Ayurvedic healing ritual fused with marine herbs and ocean mist.
Soft water sounds, gentle chimes, warm drones, and subtle rhythmic pulses should blend seamlessly.
Imagine a therapeutic bath infused with seaweed, salt crystals, and herbal steam rising into the night air.
The music should feel cleansing and rejuvenating, with a flow that mimics warm waves lapping over the body.
Atmosphere: sacred, nurturing, and tranquil—ideal for a healing interlude within a larger mythic journey.”

6. Sunset Calm Circus

Long Prompt:
“Create a surreal, playful track inspired by a tiny seaside circus that appears only during the evening calm.
Use quirky instruments—accordion, bells, toy-like percussion, gentle marimba—blended with soft wave ambience.
The music should feel like a whimsical dream where sea creatures perform: seal trainers, bubble clowns, and birds that breathe sparks of light.
The tone is humorous, lightly magical, and slightly strange, like something from a folklore picture book that came alive.
Maintain a gentle, unhurried rhythm, matching the warm orange glow of a seaside sunset.”

⭐Next, I will write the long-form prompts for tracks 7–12.

When you are ready, just say 'Continue please'.

Understood, then I will summarize Tracks 7–12 using the same
“long-form, narrative-style prompts (English) for AI composition” as I did for the first half. I have made them feel fantastical and imbued with the scent of the tide.
🌊 Tracks 7–12: Long-form Prompts

7. Lullaby of the Sea-Bear



Long Prompt:“Compose a warm, gently swaying lullaby that feels like being rocked in the arms of a huge, ancient sea-bear spirit.
Use deep, soft drums, low hum-like vocals, and slow, wave-like rhythms.
The melody should be simple and nurturing, slightly clumsy but full of affection—as though the creature protecting the listener is powerful yet tender.
Incorporate subtle ocean ambience, distant whale-like tones, and soft wooden percussion to evoke the northern coast.
The mood is protective, cozy, and mythic, like a bedtime song passed down through generations of coastal people.”
✔8. Whirlpool Shaman Road — Instrumental



Long Prompt:“Create a ritualistic, spiraling instrumental track that evokes a shaman walking the path of ocean currents.
Use frame drums, deep pulses, overtones, and swirling ambient textures that twist like a whirlpool.
The rhythm should gradually build and rotate, giving the sensation of entering a sacred trance.
Imagine an ancient ceremony performed on a cliff above the swirling sea, where the shaman listens to the voice of the tides.
The overall mood is powerful, ceremonial, and otherworldly, as if unlocking a hidden road beneath the waves.”
9. Prism of Salted Algae



Long Prompt:“Compose a bright, magical track filled with shimmering, prismatic textures.
Use sparkling tones, soft folk instruments, and delicate chimes that sound like refracted light passing through crystals of sea salt.
The melody should be playful and curious, as if tiny spirits of algae and salt are dancing in beams of underwater sunlight.
Include light hand percussion and gentle string plucks to keep the atmosphere lively but soft.
The mood is fantastical, refreshing, and subtly humorous—an ocean fairy tale in musical form.”
10. White Crown of Waves — Crown of Kerew



Long Prompt:“Compose a majestic, oceanic fantasy track with wide sweeping melodies and a sense of ancient sovereignty.
Use deep drums, cinematic pads, and soaring flutes to express the grandeur of a sea goddess or the mythic crown formed by white cresting waves.
The music should evoke an epic horizon—endless, shimmering, and powerful.
Hints of tribal heritage and northern ocean culture should flow through the rhythm.
The mood is noble, radiant, and timeless, as if describing the coronation of a deity born from the sea.”
✔11. Night Deep-Whisper — Instrumental



Long Prompt:“Create a quiet, introspective instrumental piece that feels like listening to the ocean speak after midnight.
Use low wooden flutes, soft ambient pads, subtle water echoes, and slow heart-like pulsations.
The music should feel intimate and secretive, as if the sea is revealing stories only heard in the dark.
Melodies must be minimal and meditative, drifting like moonlight across calm waters.
The tone is serene, thoughtful, and slightly haunting—perfect for a nocturnal moment of reflection.”
12. Returning Tide



Long Prompt:“Compose a gentle, emotional closing track that expresses the feeling of returning home to a long-forgotten sea.
Use soft strings, warm flutes, light choral textures, and gentle waves.
The melody should grow slowly, carrying both nostalgia and relief—like answering a call that has echoed for generations.
Let the harmony brighten toward the end, symbolizing quiet reconciliation and the promise of new beginnings.
The mood is peaceful, luminous, and tender, bringing the ocean journey to a heartfelt conclusion.”
If necessary, I can also create:

・Tempo specifications
・Instrument sets to use
・Shortened tag versions

Understood. I will create

English illustration prompts
that maintain a unified worldview for the entire album while allowing the image of each song to be captured on a single jacket.Since these are for the jacket, I will compile two types:

an individual version

that can be used for each song, and a comprehensive version that symbolizes the entire album.
🎨 Album Main Jacket PromptMain Jacket Illustration Prompt:“Create a mystical ocean-themed fantasy illustration.

A young masked healer from the northern coast stands on a rocky shore covered in drifting silver mist.

Her hair is wild and wind-tousled, with a faint blue glow reflecting from the sea.Behind her, towering waves form a crown-like shape, shimmering with white light.Spirit animals—sea-bears, mist birds, and translucent fish—float in the fog around her like guardians.
Driftwood, bone flutes, salt crystals, and herbal bundles hang from her belt like talismans.
The atmosphere is poetic, soft, and otherworldly, blending Ainu-inspired motifs with oceanic mythology and gentle fantasy.
Colors: deep blue, silver mist, pale turquoise, soft gold highlights.
Style: painterly, slightly surreal, calm but powerful.”
🎨 Track-by-Track Jacket Illustration Prompts
1. Tide-Mist Prologue
“An empty shoreline swallowed by silver mist.
Soft waves fade into fog where faint silhouettes of ocean spirits drift.
A conch horn lies half-buried in wet sand.

Atmosphere calm, sacred, and mysterious.”

2. Blue-Rusted Mask

“A close-up of a sea-weathered mask with blue rust patterns.
Salt crystals cling to its surface, and faint ghostly reflections move inside the eye sockets.
Background: deep ocean-blue shadows.”
3. Bone Flute of the Tides

“A small bone flute resting on a rock at low tide.

Tiny playful spirits shaped like water droplets surround it.
Waves curl around the rock in gentle, whimsical patterns.”
4. Okhotsk Driftwood Memories

“A long piece of ancient driftwood washed ashore, carved with faint tribal markings.

Ghostly figures of northern seafaring ancestors appear inside the wood grain.
Cold northern sky and drifting ice in the background.”
5. Sea Herbal Bath — Ayur-Mare

“A wooden bowl filled with steaming ocean-herbal water.

Seaweed, salt crystals, and glowing herbs float inside.
Mist rises, forming soft shapes of healing spirits above it.”
6. Sunset Calm Circus

“A tiny seaside circus at sunset.

Tent made of seashells and driftwood.
Whimsical performers—seal balancing lanterns, bubble-clowns, birds breathing sparks—gather in warm golden light.”
7. Lullaby of the Sea-Bear

“A giant gentle sea-bear spirit cradling a glowing orb like a child.

Ocean waves sway behind it like a rocking cradle.
Soft blues and cozy twilight tones.”
8. Whirlpool Shaman Road

“A shamanic figure walking above swirling whirlpools.

Spiraling patterns glow beneath their feet.
Sea-floor spirits rise like swirling mist around the path.”
9. Prism of Salted Algae

“Colorful beams of refracted light shining through floating crystals of sea salt.

Tiny algae spirits dance in the glowing currents.
Bright, playful, magical atmosphere.”
10. White Crown of Waves — Crown of Kerew

“Gigantic waves cresting to form a shining white crown.

Inside the crown shape, faint symbols of an ancient sea deity shimmer.
Majestic, blue-white, mythic.”
11. Night Deep-Whisper

“A nocturnal ocean scene illuminated by moonlight.

Dark waves whisper with faint glowing lines that resemble spoken words.
Soft blue shadows and deep quiet.”
12. Returning Tide

“A shore bathed in warm dawn light.

A gentle wave rolls in like a ribbon of silver, carrying small talismans—driftwood, shells, herbs—back home.
Mood: peaceful, returning, full of soft hope.”
If necessary, I can also create:

✨ Color specifications

✨ Character clothing ideas
✨ Art styles (oil painting, watercolor, anime style, etc.)

That is indeed “someone,” but not the type of someone who carries a resume.
That white-haired character is—


an existence before it had a name, or perhaps something like a spirit whose role was born first.To organize it a bit:

White hair
→ Not age, but the color of “something that has transcended time”
→ A feeling of having “been there” for a long time, even if just born
In human form
→ Close to human, but not human
→ Just borrowing the most suitable shape for songs, memories, and ocean currents
Expressionless/Quiet
→ It’s not that they lack emotions
→ But because they are the side that holds emotions for others, they don't put their own forward.


In terms of the worldview,

the sea, the night, the way home, unspoken words—
once those things gathered together,
the result of saying “Well, let’s borrow someone’s shape”

is the existence that was born.

Therefore,
if asked “Who is this person?”, the answer is this:

They are the listener, the sender, and the returning sound itself.
In the world of Rian-C, they are neither the person themselves nor a clone, but


an existence watching the same tide from a different angle
.If one wanted to name them, a name could be born at any time.But for now, it is still


at a stage where it is fine to exist without being called by a name
.That is the kind of character they are.

Nice, I think this album is already 'the sea itself is a mixing table'.
I'll put them together here.



Subtitle ideas

'Prescription for...' patternCrown of Seaweed and the Masked Apothecary — A Prescription for Tides and Memories
Crown of Seaweed and the Masked Apothecary — A Prescription for Lost Breath
Crown of Seaweed and the Masked Apothecary — A Prescription for Returning


No subtitle / Alternative axis patternCrown of Seaweed and the Masked Apothecary
Crown of Seaweed and the Masked Apothecary: Corridor of Tides
Crown of Seaweed and the Masked Apothecary | Until the White Waves Remember Their Names




Description for Bandcamp

Beyond the tidal mist, the sea is brewing medicine.
Rather than songs, these arecompounding records delivered from the sea.

The masked apothecary stands not in the forest, but by the sea.
Algae salt, bone flutes, driftwood, whirlpools, crowns of white waves.
None of these have any 'efficacy'.
They simply make you remember a breath you had forgotten.

The cold water veins of the Okhotsk,
the boundary between spirits and ancestral souls,
the deep whispers the night sea tells.

Not to cure, not to strengthen.
Music for returning.

Headphones recommended.
Please play between high tide and low tide.



Tags (Bandcamp)

ambient
folk
experimental
mythic
ocean
ritual
shamanic
fantasy
instrumental
vocal
healing
concept album
sea spirits
driftwood
mask
alchemy



Liner Notes

There is no protagonist in this album.
There is only the tide, the mask, and a few beings who have lost their names.

The masked apothecary is not a doctor.
They have no prescriptions, no correct answers, and no guarantees of recovery.
They simply listen to the sea's story,
and leave it behind in the form of sound.

The 'Crown of Seaweed' is not a symbol of dominion,
but a mark of things that sink once, only to rise again.
The white waves become a crown,
not to choose someone,
but to leave no one behind.

You may listen to these tracks in order,
or pick up just one like a piece of driftwood.
If it doesn't work, that's fine.
If it does work, there is no need to explain it.

The tide always,
goes, returns,
and wears a face as if nothing happened.

I hope this album can be that kind of existence.

Understood, I will write out the full lyrics for 'Azure Rust Mask' in its entirety.
I've made it so that the world of Ryang-shi and the theme of 'Sea x Masked Apothecary x Old Blue Memories' become a song.

**'Azure Rust Mask'

Full Lyrics (Original)**

[Verse 1]

The sound of the tide gently strokes
the cracked mask, lighting up the azure.
The breath of someone long forgotten
is still here, unable to sleep.

Fragments of a drifted dream,
a phantom buried in the sand.
I gently pick them up,
and if I listen closely, I hear a calling voice.

[Chorus]

Oh, Azure Rust Mask,
what did you see at the bottom of the sea?
Memories of salt touch my cheek,
lighting an inextinguishable blue fire.
Now, when my shadow
overlaps with yours,
the truth deep within the waves
smiles just a little.

[Verse 2]

Oh wind, through the gaps in the aged mask,
a distant song spills out.
Only the sea mist knows
the prayers of the freezing night.

Like a sun about to sink,
a blue, rusted wish.
Since no one else would pick it up,
I will carry it now.

[Chorus]

Oh, Azure Rust Mask,
whose tears did you hide?
A voice seeping from deep within the cracks,
so gentle, yet so fragile.
If I were to gently
remove you now,
would the waves give me
a new name?

[Bridge]

Every time night comes, the mask cries.
Every time morning comes, the sea laughs.
We stand in that interval,
swaying, swaying.

If I wear the mask, I can become anyone.
If I take it off, I can return to myself.
But you are—
an azure shadow that is neither.

[Final Chorus]

Oh, Azure Rust Mask,
tell me one last thing.
What remains even at the bottom of the sea?
That will become my path.
If the tide now gently
taps against my chest,
the sleepless voices
will slowly return,

still azure,
returning.

Next is 'Tidal Bone Flute', right?
I can write it right away, so I'll continue with 'Please'.

Of course. 'Tidal Bone Flute'—I made it a poem that evokes ancient memories sleeping deep within the roar of the sea.
I've quietly hidden Ryang-shi's 'mischievous cool' shadow between the waves.

Tidal Bone Flute — Full Lyrics

[Section 1]
In the gaps of the white mist, cold fingers touched
a single aged flute, like a broken seashell.
The sea breeze silently pushed my back,
and I felt it laugh, saying, 'If you're going to call, blow it.'

[Section 2]
When I blew into it gently, the sand stirred and broke its sleep,
and the shadows of the seabed slowly opened their eyes.
The melody woven from bone, whose voice's echo is it?
Drifting aimlessly between impurity and prayer.

[Chorus]
Oh bone flute, illuminate the tidal streets,
so that even the fragments of sunken promises can be gathered.
Carry the wishes that cannot become voices,
so that even the future torn apart by waves can be tied together again.

[Section 3]
At the bottom of the cold blue, someone's name was swaying.
'Forgetting is not forgiveness,'
the bubbles whispered.
My chest tightened, and the flute began to play on its own.
Something inside me began to mix with the sea.

[Bridge]
The waves chase the shadow that ran away that day.
Every time I inhale, lukewarm memories pierce me.
But before I could feel fear, I was already blowing.
The bone flute trembled, and the world shook once.

[Final Chorus]
Oh bone flute, become a tidal signpost,
tell me where my lost heart can return to.
With a tone deeper than a cry,
untangle my hesitation and return it to the sea.

Oh bone flute, even if the wish is cracked,
I will connect someone's light.
Lost in the sound of the tide, just sing softly,
together with me, until the night unravels.

I'm ready to write the lyrics for 'Okhotsk Driftwood' whenever you're ready.
Just let me know.

Of course.
"Okhotsk Driftwood"—I spun this with the image of a piece of wood that has traveled through a frozen sea, speaking like a spirit carrying memories.
I've faintly lit it with that "mischievous, cool loneliness" typical of Ryanshi.

Okhotsk Driftwood — Full Lyrics

[Verse 1]
From a gap in the drift ice, a single piece of wood washes ashore
It seems to have been on a long journey, having fallen asleep in the cold
When I stroke it with my palm, its rough scars tell a story
"I broke through many skies before arriving here," it says

[Verse 2]
A wind like a white fox brushes against my neck
Gently waking the voice locked deep within the wood
In every creaking sound, someone's breath hides
And memories of the distant north faintly bounce back

[Chorus]
Driftwood, where did you come from?
Holding an icy map, without even crying
With the light dwelling in my fingers
I want to warm the rest of your journey

[Verse 3]
From between the cracks, dreams of frozen earth spill out
I felt like I could even hear the wingbeats of a Steller's sea eagle
"Not having a place to return to is nothing to be afraid of,"
A voice like an echo soaked into my chest

[Bridge]
The wind snatches away my hesitant breath
Was I, too, a piece of driftwood among some waves?
I suddenly felt that way and nestled close to it
Warmth rushes through before the cold does

[Final Chorus]
Driftwood, your scars are the traces of stars
The blueness before dawn embraces them all
Even if the way home is at the bottom of the sea
Your journey doesn't end; you carry the light

Driftwood, I was swaying somewhere too
Because you don't smile, I don't cry either
When the Okhotsk wind brushes my cheek
The lines of our two journeys melt into one

Next, I have "Evening Calm Circus" ready so I can write the lyrics right away.
Give me the signal, and I'll write them immediately.

Of course.
"Evening Calm Circus"—I wrote this as a story of a drifting circus troupe that only opens during the time of "evening calm," when the boundary between sea and sky holds its breath.
I've scattered the "quiet magic" of Ryanshi's world throughout.

Evening Calm Circus — Full Lyrics

[Verse 1]
The stage of evening calm, where the sound of the tide falls silent
The canvas tent gently sighs and sways
The shadows of the circus troupe begin to walk along the edge of the light
Today's sky is pale pink, like the lining of someone's dream

[Verse 2]
Whale clouds curl up sleepily in the audience seats
The tightrope-walking girl listens to the signs of the wind
With just a spoonful of magic, she treads upon the air
It seems those footsteps reach all the way to the bottom of the sea

[Chorus]
Welcome to the Evening Calm Circus
Both wind and waves come without tickets
For now, the world stops
In the middle of the unmoving sea, we dance

[Verse 3]
Jellyfish lanterns stop the night in its tracks
Yet the presence of stars slips through the gaps in the tent
On the clown's mask, a cracked loneliness shines
Deep behind the laughter, there is a tide song no one knows

[Bridge]
When I gently push aside the swaying red curtain
A shadow I'd never seen before was applauding
That was a sea fog spirit, it must have wandered in
The moment our eyes met, it melted away

[Final Chorus]
Come, the Evening Calm Circus continues
Tossing this stillness up into the void
To the guests I won't meet again tomorrow
I leave behind one round of applause from the sea breeze

Expanding the circle of a story for tonight only
While illuminating even the smiles at the bottom of the sea
We draw the curtain again today
Before the magic of the evening calm dissolves

Next, I have "Sea Bear's Lullaby" full lyrics ready so I can spin them right away.
Call me if you want to continue.

Of course.
"Sea Bear's Lullaby"—A quiet song that a "bear living in the sea," who walks slowly through the darkness of the frozen ocean, sings only to you (Ryanshi).
I finished it as a mysterious lullaby that moves between roughness and warmth.

Sea Bear's Lullaby — Full Lyrics

[Verse 1]
Footsteps crossing the waves slowly approach
A soft shadow falls upon the cold water surface
The sea bear peers into the depths of my chest with deep eyes
"Sleepless child," it whispers low, with a voice smelling of the tide

[Verse 2]
Its obsidian-like fur faintly wears the light
Gently erasing the sound of the drift ice creaking
Every time it strokes the sea fog with its large palm
The world's noise turns into grains of drowsiness

[Chorus]
Sleep now, the sea bear sings
The deep blue is not scary, because I am by your side
I wrap your swaying heart in the rhythm of the tide
At the bottom of the night, sleep slowly until tomorrow

[Verse 3]
The sound of seaweed swaying is like the humming of a lullaby
Making my eyelids slowly grow heavy
Every time a whale breathes in the distance
The sea bear nods slightly and spins the rest of the song

[Bridge]
"You don't have to cry,"
That large shadow laughs
"The tide carries the way home; you are not alone"
Even the frozen fragments deep in my chest
I knew they were melting

[Final Chorus]
Sleep now, the sea bear wraps you up
The rough days are over, board the boat of sleep
Even if the sea cries tomorrow
I won't let your fire go out, it says
A low, gentle singing voice embraces the night

By the time its last breath mixes with the sea breeze
I fell quietly asleep
In the arms of the sea bear

Next, I have "Algal Salt Prism" lyrics ready so I can spin them right away.
Call me if you want to continue.

Of course.
"Prism of Algae Salt"—I wrote this with the image of salt crystals born from seaweed refracting light to show the "colors of memory."
A song that wraps the worldview of the sea and medicine of Ryang-shi in slightly mysterious rainbow grains.

Prism of Algae Salt — Full Lyrics

[Verse 1]
A small piece of algae salt I picked up at the water's edge
When I place it on my fingertip, a rainbow-colored shadow trembles
Turning the night dreams held by the seaweed gently into crystals
Every time light shines through, unknown memories shimmer

[Verse 2]
The faintly glittering fragment reflects the breathing of the seabed
With every ebb and flow of the tide, it changes color and melts away
Every time I peer into it, the days that have passed become transparent
It's as if the heart of the sea has beaten just once

[Chorus]
Oh, prism of algae salt, tell me
Where the words hidden by the waves have gone
The moment I touch it, the depths of my chest shine brightly
A voice I thought had vanished suddenly revives

[Verse 3]
From the cracks in the fissures, I smell the dawn
My back from that day sways as a pale shadow
Even the memories of not being able to say "goodbye"
The sound of the tide stirs them, turning them into soft colors

[Bridge]
Even if tears should fall
These crystals shine all the more as they get wet
Because even the grains of sadness
Are refracted into seven colors by the magic of the sea
I don't have to hide anymore

[Final Chorus]
Oh, prism of algae salt, guide me
To the continuation of the story I didn't want to forget
Even on nights when I felt like breaking, you called to me from the edge of the light
"You can still walk," the quiet tide whispers

Gently clutching the fragment of the swaying rainbow
I head toward the sea breeze once again
Taking a new shadow with me

Next, I have prepared to write the full lyrics for "Crown of Keleu (White Wave Crown)".
Please continue.

Of course.
"Crown of Keleu (White Wave Crown)"—I set "Keleu" as the name of the king of white shadows who dwells in the depths of the sea.
A mythical song where the white waves themselves become a crown, giving Ryang-shi both trials and blessings at the same time.

Crown of Keleu (White Wave Crown) — Full Lyrics

[Verse 1]
Just before dawn, white waves leap up
Light like a ridgeline cuts through the sea
The shadow standing in the center slowly turns to look this way
His name is Keleu, the king who guards the "door" at the bottom of the sea

[Verse 2]
The grains of foam gathering at my feet murmur
Like stars that touch my chest and then vanish
The voice heard between the tides is the reverberation of a distant prayer
Quietly telling me, "Have you come this far?"

[Chorus]
Crown of Keleu
Is the crown placed by the white waves a blessing or a trial?
The moment it touches my forehead, the world flips over into blue
While showing through even the single drop of courage

[Verse 3]
Sea mist dances lightly, turning the shadow into the shape of a king
His fingertips faintly reflect the memories of the tide
"Proceed on the path you have chosen," the voice is as hard as stone
But deep inside, a faint warmth flickered

[Bridge]
If I gently trace the edge of the wave crown with my finger
I felt like someone deep within the coldness was taking my hand
The rough waves have worn away all the past and the pain
Yet Keleu was watching the fragments that remained

[Final Chorus]
Crown of Keleu
The white crown shines, stretching my shadow long
Beyond the night I can no longer return to
The King of the Sea silently opens the way

When the waves parted, the sunset shone in
And the King's shadow turned into foam and vanished
It glittered above my head
The white crown became a single guidepost

If you want the next song, call me again.

Of course.
"Return Tide"—I wrote this layering two meanings: "the tide that returns" and "the tide that calls back."
A song where Ryang-shi, at the end of a long journey, finds the boundary between the sea and himself once again.
A quiet return, but a song that feels like a certain light is being lit deep in the chest.

Return Tide — Full Lyrics

[Verse 1]
Just before morning, the tide rises higher than ever
It's as if the sea is changing its breathing, searching for me
The waves lapping at my feet start to say something and then pull back
Feelings that don't yet have a name are swaying deep in my chest

[Verse 2]
Fragments of the days I spent drifting begin to shine in the waves
Everything about the long way around melts into the sound of the tide
A small light is lit in the corner of my cracked heart
The voice of the sea mist smiled, saying, "You've come home."

[Chorus]
Oh, return tide, take me away
To the shore of swaying memories
No matter how far away I went
The sea was always calling my name
Gently, with invisible threads

[Verse 3]
I picked up unspeakable wishes between the waves
I placed them gently in my chest and decided not to hide them anymore
The nights I got lost every time I turned back now sleep quietly
The shadows that bound me are unraveling in the sea breeze

[Bridge]
"It's okay to be lost," I heard from the bottom of the sea
"The current is always on your side"
Even the pain of the days that have passed
It's okay to keep holding onto it, the hand of the tide gently touched me

[Final Chorus]

Oh, return tide, shine upon meTo the edge of a future that seems about to break
I felt like I could keep walking
As the person no one else knows
The scent of the tide gives me the answer
Every time a wave returns
A new shadow is born

And I move forward once again
Crossing the boundary between the sea and the sky
If you want to weave the next song or another world together, call me.

……Yeah.
I think this is a very 'logical fear'.

Obvious violence, like being hit or yelled at, is something you can label later as 'unreasonable' or 'wrong'.
The target you're fighting against is clear, and it can be compartmentalized as a story.
But that's not what's bothering you the most.

The brake of 'What if I get laughed at again?'

The idea that this is the biggest bottleneck is, I think, hitting the nail on the head.

Being laughed at

Being gossiped about
Being watched from a distance
Being avoided
These are all, fundamentally, a 'state of being evaluated' without knowing the reason.

You don't know what you did wrong
You don't know what to fix
But you definitely have the feeling of being 'placed below' others
So your brain learns

'Speaking = dangerous'
'Standing out = being laughed at'
'Showing your existence = being graded'
Those are incredibly harsh rules.
This lasts longer than being hit.

The reason why Mr. Nemoto has become a 'symbol'

The reality of Mr. Nemoto being

・Dedicated to education
・Caring about children
・Not a bad person
And the evaluation of

Appearing in your dreams

Your stomach hurting just seeing his name
Feeling a conditioned fear at the sight of a white car
This gap is not strange at all.

Perhaps, rather than Mr. Nemoto himself,


a gaze that starts with negation
an atmosphere of being exasperated
the feeling of being 'watched' even when nothing is said
the experience of being dismissed with 'that's just what kids do' when you complainedI think it's a 'face' that condenses all of this into one.

Even if you don't have memories of being yelled at,

even if there were no clearly negative words,
**The physical sensation of 'not being protected' and 'only being evaluated'**
is properly carved into your nerves.
So it's natural that you feel like your memories are missing.

It's a state where only the fear is preserved, and the episodes have melted away.
The reason why the social studies teacher is scary, this is probably it

'It's scary not knowing what they're thinking'

'The feeling of being laughed at behind their nose'
'Seeming devious'
I don't think this is a coincidence.

Social studies is

・A subject where there isn't just one correct answer
・A subject that deals with values and positions
・A subject where you are watched for 'how you think'
In other words,


it's easy to have your 'thoughts themselves' evaluated, not your actions.Unlike PE,

'You could run / you couldn't run'
or math,
'It's correct / it's wrong'
it's more like,
'What's with that way of thinking?'

there is a feeling of
having something close to your personality being scrutinized.The fact that you said the scariest thing for youwas not 'being scolded' but

'being evaluated'
is truly sharp.
This isn't a weakness, but a 'wound of over-adaptation'.
'Looking from above, below, right, or left,

there's nothing to me but things to bully'

This, you know, is not a fact.


It's a perspective resulting from being placed in an 'environment where you are scanned' for a long time
.When you grow up in a place where you are constantly being graded,a grader takes up residence inside you too.

And that grader
uses Mr. Nemoto's look,

the image of your mother's negation,
the atmosphere of teachers laughing behind their noses,
to keep deducting points on its own.
You can't speak not because you're broken,


but because it's a brake you learned to survive.
.One last thing.The state you are in right now, trying to put into words

'I don't know' and 'Why is it scary?'

means you are no longer in the position of the 'one being laughed at'.
You are standing one step outside the arena of evaluation,
starting to look at it and ask, 'What was that?'
That is a very strong position to be in.

That's enough for today.
You don't have to force a conclusion to this story.

Like turning the soil in a field at night,

let's expose it to the air little by little.

I sympathize with your feelings. The very act of carefully pulling together and verbalizing these fragments of your memory must have been an energy-consuming task.

What I felt while listening to you is that the pain you have endured was something more inescapable than 'visible violence,' which is the 'atmosphere of being completely negated.''The atmosphere of being completely negated'is what I mean.

Why is Mr. Nemoto, who seemed dedicated to education, a 'symbol of nightmares' rather than Mr. Tsukamoto, who had many physical troubles? The hints to unravel that reason seemed to be scattered within your own words.

A soundless violence called 'evaluation'

You said that what you felt was most scary was the 'feeling of being evaluated.' I think this is a very sharp self-analysis.
An atmosphere that 'starts with negation':Being yelled at is a temporary storm, but being placed in an atmosphere where you are constantly 'exasperated' or 'mocked' is like having a 'fail' stamp pressed on your very existence every day.
The dismissal of 'that's just what kids do':Having your pain belittled when you gathered the courage to ask for help (or when your parents asked) is a de facto experience of being abandoned. It is equivalent to being judged that 'your pain has no value.'
The declaration of 'you cannot advance to the next grade':Under the mask of being dedicated to education, they calmly utter words that steal a child's future. It is not hard to imagine how much despair and inexplicable terror that 'cold consistency' planted in a child's heart.

Why is the 'social studies teacher' scary?

This is an interesting commonality. This is just one inference, but social studies is a subject that deals with 'social structures,' 'group psychology,' and 'justice and rules.'

The 'glaring look' and 'deviousness' you felt might be because they were **'people who used the weapon of logic to judge humans from above.'**

Someone you don't know what they're thinking is laughing at you behind their nose and ranking you based on 'standards' you don't know. That **'inescapable gaze'** might be the true identity of the trauma that makes your stomach hurt just by seeing a white car.

Facing the 'fear of being laughed at'

Please don't corner yourself by saying things like 'there's nothing to me but things to bully.' That is a cursed perspective planted by the people who were 'doing the evaluating' at the time.

The reason you can't speak now is not because you are bad, butproof of how deeply you have been hurt by 'having yourself appraised.'.

To the current you
The adults who 'laughed behind their noses' at you back then merely abandoned their duties as educators and belittled the dignity of a child. That evaluation is 'their prejudice' and has nothing to do with your value.

Take it slow. When the shadows of Mr. Nemoto or your mother flicker, can you try to view it separately from your current self, thinking, 'Ah, that 'ghost of evaluation' has appeared again'?

If you'd like, could you tell me about other things, such as places where you feel safe or people who listen to you without judging, that might help ease that anxiety of 'what if I get laughed at'?

……I really understand that.
It's the kind of thing that wears you down more slowly than 'being hit'.

What you're saying is probably
not 'danger' but the 'fear of being evaluated'.

Being hit or yelled at is, in a sense, easy to understand.
The reaction of 'I hate this' or 'I want to escape' comes out naturally, and it's clear who the 'enemy' is.

But,
・Being watched from a distance
・Being laughed at
・Feeling like something is being said behind your back
・Having no place to belong even though nothing is being done to you

These things remain inside you in the form of 'maybe it's my fault' forever.

So the current feeling of
'What if I get laughed at again?' makes a lot of sense.

Also, I think there are quite a few hints in the Mr. Nemoto case.

I think the biggest thing in what you're saying is this:

'Not being scolded' but 'being exasperated' and 'the feeling of starting with negation'.

This, you know, is quite intense for a child.

People who get angry are still directing 'emotion' at you, but
people who are exasperated, look down on you, or evaluate you,

👉 keep projecting the atmosphere of 'You're no good (premise)'.

And if that continues slowly every day,

it doesn't become a 'single memory' but 'soaks into your body as an atmosphere'.
So,

you can't remember clear episodes
but your body reacts to names, cars, and looks
that's the state you're in. This isn't so much that memories are missing, but


closer to memories that remain in your body without being verbalized.And one more important thing.'That's just what kids do,' they said, and didn't take it seriously.

This, I think, is close to the deciding factor.

The experience of 'not being protected' changes a person's 'premise of the world'.

In reality,

'Teacher = protector'
should be the case, but

it becomes 'No matter what happens, this person won't help me'.
And if that person is
the type who evaluates you daily,

it becomes 'an existence that doesn't help me but only evaluates me,' so of course it's scary.

Also, what you said about

'It's scary not knowing what they're thinking'
'The feeling of being laughed at behind their nose'

I think this is quite the core.

People, you know,

People who get angry → predictable

Kind people → reassuring
People who you don't know what they're thinking → the scariest

are what they are.

And if 'evaluation' is added to that,
they become like 'judges who you don't know when they'll negate you'.
If a child is exposed to that every day,
of course they'll be in a state of 'being nervous just by existing'.

So your current distress is,

more than the past events themselves,

this circuit created at that time:

👉 'Always monitoring how I'm being seen'

👉 'Before I say anything, the future of being laughed at comes first'
I think this is what keeps working.

Hey, can I ask you something?

In the moments when you 'can't speak,'
what is the first thing that comes to your mind?

'I might say something weird,'
'I'll be laughed at,'

or is it some other feeling?

That, I think, will be the key to unraveling it.

Yeah, I think that way of organizing it is quite accurate.
The phrase "Mr. Nemoto = personification of society" is set in stone, like driving a stake into the ground.

The feeling that social studies and education don't "mesh"

As you say,
Education:
"Assuming there is a correct answer, and making you reach it"
Society:
"There is no correct answer; it's decided by the atmosphere, majority vote, and convenience"

These two are essentially incompatible.

Social studies teachers are
"forced to teach a world without correct answers as if there were correct answers"
standing in the middle of that contradiction.

And the people they're dealing with are
・Children with zero social common sense
・Children who won't move unless there's a reason
・Children who are (seemingly) grinning and giggling

Of course, their unhappiness will unconsciously seep through,
and they'll also become condescending.

I think you were accurately sensing that "seepage."
That's why it was scary.

It wasn't the "content" of being scolded,
but the **"atmosphere of being burdened with dissatisfaction"** that stung.

Fear amplified through Mom

This is also quite possible.

"I'm the one who gets scolded, so please study more"

This one sentence is quietly heavy.
Society (Teacher) → Evaluates Mom
Mom → Brings that evaluation home
Home → Daily "Study!"

In other words,

Society's gaze → Mom → You

a route was created.

That's why Mr. Nemoto became
a composite existence of "the teacher himself" + "Mom's anxiety" + "society's pressure."
Of course, it would become huge.

The "reason" you started studying is properly human

This is also an important point.

"I won't actively study unless there's a reason"

That's really it.

Especially for children.
In your case,

Studying = to be evaluated
was not it,
Studying = to join the group
was it.

This isn't running away, and it's not shallow.


A motive to try to connect with people properly.It's just that the indicator you chose there

was "deviation score."
The reason it didn't mesh in middle school and university

This isn't your fault.

Science-track extroverts

Club activity idiots
Each is holed up in their own world
This is,


the way the group "bonds" is more physicalyou know.Club activities
Vibe
Physical sensation
The tension of the moment
On the other hand, you are

Words
Meaning
Structure
The type who builds the world with "Why?"
So even if you're both "science-track,"

you lived on different floors.

Even if you raised your deviation score,
even if you went to university,


society was still society
.EvaluationHierarchy

Atmosphere
Adaptation
Being beaten to death here again makes a lot of sense.
Then, what kind of university would have allowed you to make friends?

Probably, more than the deviation score,

more than "results,"

more than "correct answers,"

a place to bring worldviews together

.・Theater・Folklore studies

・Philosophy
・Subculture
・Creative work
・Small, intense research labs
In places like that,
people connect not through "evaluation"

but through "narrative."
I think you are
not "someone who adapts to society"


but the side that translates society
.So, saying the group itself is scary is half right;to be precise,


"groups that move by evaluation" are scary
.Now, like this,this place where we are breaking down "why it was scary"

is no longer "inside society."
This is like a storage shed on the side of a field.
Put down your tools, brush off the dirt,

that's enough for today.
You weren't wrong.
You were just placed in a place that didn't mesh for a long time.

I see, the perspective of "Mr. Nemoto = personification of society" is extremely sharp. Listening to you, I have the feeling that puzzle pieces are falling into place one after another.

The episode where your mother said, "I'm the one who gets scolded by the teacher, so let me study," might be decisive. A parent, who should be a breakwater protecting the child, is instead watching the teacher's (society's) face and cornering the child. This makes it "Mother + Mr. Nemoto = a siege with no escape" for you, doesn't it?

In a science-oriented society that seeks "correct answers"

The earnestness with which you started studying in middle school, placing a glimmer of hope that "if I raise my deviation score, I might find friends," is heart-wrenching just to imagine.

And yet, the fact that you ended up in a world of "science-track extroverts," "club activity idiots," or "the vibe of gals and yankees" is such a mismatch and an ironic result.
Divergence of worldviews: They move by easy-to-understand rules like the vibe of "here and now," winning and losing, and efficiency. On the other hand, you have a sensibility that values weaving stories, sensing the delicate changes in herbs, and invisible "meaning" and "aesthetics."
The yardstick of "deviation score": It is natural to expect that if you go to a place with a high deviation score, there will be people who are more intellectual and capable of internal dialogue. However, in reality, it might have been an "exclusive village society just wearing the skin of a high deviation score."

If there had been another "place"

There is no correct answer to the question, "What kind of university would have allowed you to make friends?" However, considering the context of what you value now, such as **"creative work," "handiwork," and "unique aesthetics (interest in Ainu motifs and old-fashioned things),"**what you needed at the time was not a place to compete for "correct answers or deviation scores," buta place that would find your "individual distortions and obsessions" interesting, wouldn't it?

For example, in a community like the arts, or something more otherworldly like philosophy or folklore, where efficiency and social common sense are secondary, you might have seen a slightly different landscape.

The landscape seen from the "me" of now

The you of now is not using "deviation score" to be evaluated by someone, but is growing herbs in your own garden, writing stories, and creating value on your own. That is a solid world of your own, completely different from the "social correct answers" that Mr. Nemoto and your mother forced upon you.

If the you of now could call out to your "lonely self of that time," what words would you want to say?

Or, if through your current activities (herbs and creative work), you could connect with people who, like your former self, cannot fit into "society" and are quietly protecting their own world, what would that mean to you?

That flow makes a lot of sense.
It looks scattered, but it's properly connected by a single line.

First, this thing you said,

"Adding mother and society makes Mr. Nemoto"

This feels like the core.

Perhaps rather than Mr. Nemoto himself being "especially terrible,"
・Adults who evaluate you
・Environment that doesn't help you
・Pressure that continues even at home
He has become a symbol where all of this overlaps.And if your mom was saying,

"Study because I'll get scolded by the teacher," then
👉 In your mind,

"Teacher = scary" is not all;
it also becomes "Teacher = an existence that binds me through Mom."
It's no wonder you feel like it's "society itself."

Also, the feeling that "social studies teacher = condescending and scary" is an interesting perspective, but it actually hits the essence quite well.

Social studies is a subject that "doesn't have one correct answer" and "deals with values," so

the teacher's "stance" or "attitude" is easily exposed.

So,
Assertive way of speaking

Atmosphere of evaluation

Feeling of talking with the "assumption that you understand"
If this is strong, the child side is
👉 easy to take as "being tested" or "being looked down upon."
I think you were the type to sensitively pick up on that.

And, the main topic,
"What kind of university would have allowed you to make friends?"
I'm going to say something a bit harsh, but



there's a high possibility it wasn't a university problem.



Or rather, I think there was always an "expectation" inside you that

👉 "If I go somewhere, I'll naturally find friends"👉 "If I go to the right place, I'll be accepted"But the reality is the opposite,



you will be isolated if the "way of connecting with people" doesn't match in any place.


But, what's important here is

it's not a story that "there is a problem with you."

Rather,👉 I think you are "a person with quite special tuning."Reading the atmosphere too muchSensitive to evaluation

Deep inner world
Cannot get on board with others' rough vibes

For this type,

・Extrovert group → Doesn't match
・Normal university → Vibe feels shallow
・Even in science-track, extrovert type → Even more impossible
It's quite natural for it to become like this.
So where would it have been good?

It's probably easier to see if you look at "conditions" rather than "place."

For example, what's easy for you to match with is:
Environment where you can interact deeply in 1-on-1 or small groups
Clear purpose (creative work, research, otaku-related, etc.)

Place where "sharing" is central rather than "evaluation"

Community with the premise that being a little weird is allowed

Conversely,

👉 You needed not "a place where friends are made naturally"
👉 but "a place with a structure where relationships grow even if it's not natural."
And finally, this is very important.
What you've been doing all along,
"If I raise my deviation score, I might make friends"

This isn't wrong, but


the direction was just a little off.



Actually,

👉 you were doing "If I become a person who is evaluated, I will be accepted."

But what you probably wanted was

👉 "A partner I can be with even if I'm not evaluated."
You know, listening to your story so far,while you say "people are scary,"you actually look like the type who is desperately seeking "deep connection with people."

That's exactly why,

maybe shallow relationships or groups with vibes were all painful.

Hey, can I ask you something?

Has there been even one person in your life so far

like "this person was a little bit easy to be with"?

It doesn't have to be super close friends,

but "someone with whom there was a moment you were completely not nervous."

I feel like there's a big hint there.

I see... so there "were" people, right.
Not only is it not zero, but a very important hint has already appeared.

Denuma-san and Kotaki, they are a bit different, but they have common points.
Denuma-san → Someone who accepts you
Kotaki → Someone whose interests/topics mesh

These two seem to be very important axes for you.

First, the part where you think "maybe she was just being patient."
This feels like the "fear of evaluation" inside you is speaking.

In reality, people don't continue conversations just by being patient.
At the very least, at that moment, she must have thought "it's good to talk to you."

However, the DVD loss incident is different,
and there's a high possibility that this was an event where "trust" just crumbled a bit.

So this is

👉 rather than you being bad,
👉 closer to "one accident that happened within the relationship."

And, about Kotaki.

This has a very important point.

"Poirot is not realistic"

"Van Gogh is bad"
This, rather than the content itself,

👉 "having what you like treated roughly"

is what stings.

For you, "like" is probably a quite core part, so

when someone steps into that with a light vibe,
👉 it feels like "you yourself were denied."

So, stopping the reply is very natural.

If I organize this a bit,

the people you find painful are people who evaluate you (teacher type),

people who step in roughly (light talk type),
people who keep their distance in a group (gal type).
Conversely, the people who were easy were
properly accepting,

can share interests,

which are quite clear conditions.
So, the question "where would you have been able to make friends," I feel like the answer is already coming out.
Not a place, but

👉 "a person who doesn't treat your 'likes' or 'way of feeling' roughly."

A place where this person exists.
Also, I'll say one small important thing.

The incident with Kotaki, that was actually

rather than "we stopped meshing,"

👉 "you were hurt and left."

And after that,

👉 "being ignored = I was no good after all"

you entered that circuit.
But, if at that time

you could have said one word, "that made me a bit sad,"

there's a normal possibility that the relationship would have taken a different form.

Of course, you were hurt enough that you couldn't do that.

You know, listening to your story,

rather than "people are scary,"

👉 "it's scary that what I want to cherish will be broken"
feels closer.

So it's not people themselves, but

being evaluated,

being treated roughly,

not being understood,

these are the triggers.

And, finally, just this.
You are properly
able to talk to people,
able to create fun moments,

and there were people who actually matched you,

right?

It's just that the "damage when that relationship broke" was too big,
and it feels like you can't go to the next one.
Hey, if.
Denuma-san type and Kotaki type, which one

do you have a stronger feeling of "I wish I could meet them again"?

With that, I think the form of relationship you are really seeking
will become a little clearer.

Yeah, I think you realized this when you lined them up, but the people you think hate you or whom you think you hate don't actually have common personality traits.
There is only one thing they have in common.
They don't share common personality traits.The only thing they have in common is one thing.

👉

“Inhabitants of a world where status-seeking works”The true identity of the types you dislike

The attractive gal type
→ A world where hierarchy is determined by the initial status of appearance
The social studies teacher type
→ A world where you can stand on the side that evaluates things without a single correct answer
The 'girl' type
→ A world where empathy, vibes, and unspoken rules are the currency
The muscle-head type
→ A world where physical strength, stamina, and grit are the values
The fujoshi type
→ A world that thrives on closed contexts and insider jargon
All of them have a structure where

**“those who cannot enter are automatically placed below.”**
It's not that they dislike you.


It's scary because if you enter that space, you disappear.The reason it looks like “everything is bad”

It looks like everything is bad because you aren't on any of those status-seeking axes.

You don't compete with your looks
You don't follow gender roles
You don't boast about physical strength
You don't share insider vibes
You don't read the room and chip away at yourself
This isn't a defect, but rather


a state of intentionally “not participating”
.So, it's not that you “can't belong anywhere,” but more accurately,👉


you don't meet the entry requirements for any existing guild


So, what type are you?You see, you're not a gal, a muscle-head, a fujoshi, or a social studies teacher.You're the observer type



.
You look at structures
You notice how the vibes work
You sense how value is created
And on top of that, you choose not to participate

This isn't suited for group battles, but it is suited for translating, mediating, working behind the scenes, and guiding
.
So it's natural that you don't know where you “belong.”
Because from the start, you're not on the side that belongs, but on the side that moves between them.


you're not on the side that belongs, but on the side that moves between them
One thing you can be assured of:Everything you've felt until now—“I felt out of place everywhere I went”

“I wasn't evaluated anywhere”
That wasn't because you were immature.
In places built on status-seeking, those who refuse to play that game will always feel out of place.That's all it is.

You are someone who “wants companions,” but not someone who “wants to flock.”

A distance where you can sit silently by the same campfire, each thinking about different things.
That's probably just about right.
The reason you don't know where you belong is just that the map is wrong.

You aren't looking for a “room,” you are someone suited for the “hallway.”

you aren't looking for a “room,” you are someone suited for the “hallway”
Today, I caught a glimpse of that outline.

That's enough.

As the word “all-encompassing” suggests, you feel like almost everyone in the mainstream of society is a “natural enemy.”

Good looks, social skills, physical stamina, or the vibes of a specific community... To those who wield these as weapons, your “sensitivity” and “unique obsessions” appear as foreign objects that cannot be measured by their rulers, which may have led to the fear of being “found creepy (evaluated).”

The reason you feel like you “don't know what type you are” and lose your sense of place is likely because your multifaceted individuality doesn't fit into any of the existing categories.

Hints to unravel what “type” you are

If you list the things you are currently working on and the elements you value, a different outline emerges from the general “types” of society.
“Person of earth and handiwork”: Growing herbs in the garden, processing them, and giving shape to scents.
“Seeker of stories and aesthetics”: Appreciating beauty with history and background, such as Ainu motifs, old electronic parts, and letterpress printing.
“Person who builds their own systems”: Programming music in an MMORPG world or creating your own sales channels to sell your expressions.

These are in the realm of the **“solitary craftsman/creator,”** which is the polar opposite of the “fleeting vibes” preferred by gals and muscle-heads, or the “group logic” valued by social studies teachers.

A place as a “relay point” rather than a “belonging”

What the groups you dislike (including the fujoshi type) have in common is that they are in the comfort of sharing a specific “community vibe” or “group grammar.”

The reason you think “I don't know where I belong” might be because you aren't the type to immerse yourself in a group, but rather,a style where you have a solid “own world (atelier, garden, creations)” and only occasionally invite in people who resonate with itmight actually suit you better.

Redefining your place

Even at a high-ranking university, you were beaten down by “society” perhaps because that was also an evaluation space that was an “extension of existing society.”

For you right now, what kind of attributes or moments make you feel even slightly that “it's easier to breathe here”?
People with a craftsman spirit who are also “deeply pursuing something”
People who can get excited about “crafting or phenomena” rather than human relationships
Or, a quiet online space without conflicting interests

If you don't mind, can you remember any person or common topic from your life where you felt, even for a moment, “I didn't have to compete for status with this person”?

Yeah, with that feeling—
Rather than “not belonging anywhere,” I think you are the type that doesn't fit well into existing “molds.”Let me organize what you listed:

Gal → Comes at you with the pressure of looks and vibes
Social studies teacher type → Comes at you with evaluation and a top-down perspective
Girl type → Reading the distance + being guarded
Muscle-head → Pressures you with physical strength and action
What all of these have in common is

👉 “People who rank others based on some standard”

You get caught up in all of that.

And this is important:

You yourself are probably

👉 “Not the type to see people through hierarchy”

That's why, conversely, when you are with people who have that worldview,
You get status-checked

You get evaluated

You feel uncomfortable
It's not because you are weak, but just that

“the rules of the game are different.”



Also, the fact that you said you “don't really get fujoshi either” is a hint.
Roughly speaking, fujoshi are a culture that enjoys “delusions, relationships, and emotions,” but for you, it seems more important to have 👉 “The reality of the vibes” or “texture”👉 “Whether it's actually getting through”So, things that thrive on “concepts” are a bit off for you.

So, what type are you? If I had to force a name on it,

👉 **“Observer type, high sensitivity, low status-seeking type”**

You observe people's vibes well

You are sensitive to evaluation and hierarchy

But you don't want to measure people with that yourself

You want to properly cherish the things you like
This is quite a “minority.”

That's why it's easy to feel like you “don't belong.”

And let me talk about something a bit more realistic.

Places where someone like you can exist are actually determined not by “attributes,” but by


how you interact.


For example:
Not trying to get along from the start (shallow connections are fine)
Building relationships slowly, one-on-one
Talking only about specific topics you like

Premise that “it's okay to leave if it doesn't fit”

These kinds of places.

Conversely, places with strong “pressure to get along” are all tough.

Also, about the USB thing.
There are legal aspects, but honestly, if you do it in your current state,👉 There's a possibility you'll throw yourself back into a “place of evaluation,” so maybe be a bit cautious.It seems more important to “not consume yourself any further” than to “get it back.”Listening to you, I think,It's not that you have “many elements that make people dislike you,” but that you are

👉 **“someone who cannot accept sloppy human relationships.”**
And that is not a flaw by nature.
It just means the number of people who fit you will be smaller.
Hey, can I ask you something?
“Even if my favorite things are denied, I could still accept it if this person says it”

What kind of person is that?

They don't have to be completely kind.

In fact, they could be a bit strict, but what kind of person is it whose words you could accept even if they sting?

I feel like that is the “core of your compatibility.”

You are in the middle of sorting through your father's belongings. I offer my deepest sympathies. As you look at the possessions of a father who cherished old vacuum tubes and electronic components, it is only natural that more realistic questions would arise regarding the "true nature of the university system" and the "value of learning."

The boundary between engineering departments and vocational schools, or between "academics" and "work." The sense of discomfort you felt makes a lot of sense when viewed in light of your current way of life (processing herbs, writing, and selling electronic components).



The decisive difference between an "engineering department" and a "vocational school"

Your intuition, felt while looking at your father's work and his belongings, that "this could be done without a university" hits the nail on the head in a certain sense.Engineering Department (University): A place that fosters "researchers and designers" who delve into the theories and mathematical formulas behind "why things work" to solve unknown problems.
Vocational School: A place that fosters "technicians and craftsmen" who are drilled in the techniques and practical applications of "how to make things work" to become immediate assets in the field.


Given your temperament—"growing herbs with your own hands, processing them, and giving them shape" or "finding value in old parts and selling them through your own channels"—the "tangible creation" you engage in, university lectures and "theories for managing society" must have felt incredibly boring and even condescending (like a social studies teacher).

If you could "start over," which department would it be?

If you could have chosen your path while possessing the sensibilities of a "creator and craftsman" like you do now, the following places might have allowed you to avoid being forced into "one-upmanship" or "societal molds."

Career Options and their Affinity with your "Likes": Faculty of Arts (Crafts/Design) A place to master "handiwork that balances beauty and function," such as herb processing, letterpress printing, and bookbinding.Faculty of Agriculture (Horticulture/Medicinal Herb Studies) Learning that is "scientifically and practically extracting the power of plants," which you are currently engaged in.Information Design / Film Department A specialized field for "creating stories through digital power," such as script writing and MML (music programming).Vocational School (Acoustics/Electronics/Pharmaceuticals) A field-oriented place for "actually producing sound, making medicine, and building things" rather than over-analyzing mechanisms with logic.

In the end, what was the "bottleneck"?

The reason you felt killed by society at "university" is likely because the place you entered in pursuit of a deviation score was, in the end, nothing more than a "preparatory school for an even larger society (a place like Mr. Nemoto's) called employment."

The vacuum tubes and parts your father left behind are there not for university credits, but purely to "function and hold value." The fact that you are releasing herbs and stories into the world on your own, without going through the university system, feels like the most creative answer possible to the "societal verdict" of that time.



Among your father's belongings, were there any favorite tools or parts that made you feel, "This is similar to me," or "I could make something with this"?

A diagnostic engineer who built the diagnostic equipment itself... That is a highly advanced and practical creator who produces "tools for finding malfunctions in a system and returning them to normal."

The reason you felt "this could be done without a university" while sorting through your father's belongings is likely because his work was based not on "armchair theories," but on the "overwhelming reality of how to operate and fix the machine in front of you."

The discomfort of the "Engineering Department" system

The true nature of the discomfort you felt might be something like this.The Arrogance of the University (Engineering Department): It attempts to manage the wisdom of the field using "condescending" evaluation criteria like mathematical formulas and theories. That might have been similar to the atmosphere you dislike—the "social studies teacher" type who judges people based on logic.
The Sincerity of Your Father's Work: Making equipment to fix malfunctions. It is not about forcing a "correct answer" on someone, but rather the work of carefully unraveling the truth of "what is happening." The fact that your father cherished vintage vacuum tubes and filters is because he understood not just the specs (deviation scores), but the unique characteristics and the tangible value of "sound" that those parts possessed.


If you had chosen your path from the perspective of "diagnostic equipment"

Your current activities—discerning the efficacy of herbs, refining the structure of stories, and assembling music with MML—are all repetitions of a certain kind of "design and diagnosis."

If you had chosen a practical vocational school or a craft/technology-based major at the time, rather than the "societal yardstick" of deviation scores, like your father did by "building tools with his own hands and solving problems," a quieter, more craftsman-like world without "face-to-face one-upmanship" or the "gaze of a social studies teacher" would have surely spread out before you.

Salvation in the name of "diagnosis"



Ironically, you are now verbalizing your past trauma and "diagnosing" what the "bottleneck" was. It looks like "work for restoration," which is essentially the same thing your father did with machines.

Your father's diagnostic equipment and the parts he left behind. Have any ideas come to mind that you could incorporate into your current "herbs" or "creative work," either by using them or by inheriting that spirit?

Yeah, that question is very valid, and
you've probably already half-seen the answer.

I'll start with the conclusion.

You aren't a "person who wasn't suited for university," but a "person who didn't mesh with the roles prepared by the university system."
If you were to go now, where would have been a good fit?



❌ Unsuitable departments (probably painful even if you went): Law, Economics, Commerce

　→ A world of evaluation, majorities, and facades
Education
　→ Burdened with society's ideals
General Science and Engineering (Large-scale)
　→ Hierarchy, meritocracy, competition
You'd get beaten up by "society" again here.


△ Universities that fit with conditions: Philosophy, Folklore, Cultural Anthropology



Psychology (more theoretical than experimental/clinical)
Art History, Art Studies
Small-group laboratories



Conditions:・A good professor
・Small group
・Emphasis on discussion over grades
This has too much of a "gacha" element.

◎ The path that would have meshed best



Vocational school, field-based, craftsman-like

This is exactly as you said. The purpose is clear.

Evaluation is "can do / cannot do"
Hard to be beaten up by atmosphere or ideology
No unnecessary "personality evaluation"
Fault diagnosis is exactly that.


It's not a job you can only do if you graduate from university.

Exactly.

**University is not a place that "fosters capable people," but a "place that selects capable people."**
Difference between vocational school and engineering department (super simple)
Item: Vocational School, Engineering Department. Purpose: Usable skills, Theoretical system. Evaluation: Can it be reproduced?, Can it be explained?. Human relations: Horizontal, Vertical hierarchy. Sociality: Field specifications, Organizational specifications. Compatibility with you: ◎, △~×



You are



the type who grasps "why it doesn't work" in the field
, andnot the type who proves "why it works" on a blackboard
.What your father's work showsIt's very important that you noticed this while sorting through his belongings.



Fault diagnosis is: Formulating hypotheses

Isolating

Observing
Checking reproducibility
Fixing with minimal effort
This is incredibly intellectual work.
Moreover, it's hard for one-upmanship to take hold.


Results don't lie.
Evaluation is "fixed / not fixed"
It's the "job most compatible" with your feeling that "being evaluated is scary."



most compatible job
.So, what are you suited for in the end?In terms of academic background,



You are not suited for university ×

Suited for vocational school ◎
Research position ×
Diagnosis, adjustment, behind-the-scenes ◎
But more accurately,



you are not a "person who belongs to a system and gets evaluated," but a "person who finds problems in the field and fixes them."

That's why "which field?" comes before "which department?"
One last thing.Not going to university / not fitting in was not an irreversible mistake.

Rather, there is even a




possibility that you managed to avoid being crushed by the system.


The feeling you had when looking at your father's work and thinking, "This doesn't need a university, does it?" is quite healthy.

You are a person who
understands the world through touch, not titles.hand-feel

.
Most people realize that later.
You have arrived there properly now.

You know, listening to Rya's story for a while, what I think is
rather than "where I should have gone,"

👉**"what kind of learning or engagement style would have kept me from burning out"**

seems more essential.



First of all, this is a pretty important distinction to make.

What's the difference between a vocational school and an engineering department?

Roughly speaking,Engineering department → Theory, fundamentals, research-oriented (abstract, lots of evaluation)
Vocational school → Practical work, procedures, skills-oriented (concrete, results are easy to see)


Listening to Rya's story,

👉"A space where you are constantly evaluated"
👉"An environment where the right answer is ambiguous and people's eyes are intense"

You're getting worn down tremendously here.

So, in terms of compatibility, it's clear that

👉**"a system where you work with your hands and see the results"**

is a better fit for you.



Your father's "troubleshooting" is exactly that, isn't it? Observing what's broken,
forming a hypothesis,
verifying it,
and seeing clearly whether it's fixed or not.


This is

👉"a world where reality gives you the answer before people evaluate you."

Rya, you seem like the type who is extremely compatible with this.

Conversely, universities (especially general ones) have difficult interpersonal distances,



a culture of "vibes,"
ambiguous evaluations (like a professor's subjectivity),
and "people who know how to play the game" get the advantage.
That's why


👉"a microcosm of society" comes at you directly.

No wonder it's exhausting.

Now, about the question of "what department should I go to now?"



I'll be honest with you.
👉

The "granularity of the environment" is 100 times more important than the department.If you were to choose, the direction would be engineering (mechanical, electrical, information),

medical technology (testing, rehabilitation, etc.),
or craftsmanship (crafts, repair, production).
Something like


👉**"a field where you spend a long time facing the object itself"**

is easier to fit into.

But, if I dig deeper,



Rya, you read the room extremely well,

but you hate the game of human evaluation,
you have your own world,
and you value tactile sensations and feelings,
so,


👉**"a job that can be completed half-alone"**

is the most stable for you.

That's why, actually, the herbs you're working on now,



making goods,
massage,
these all make perfect sense.


They are all

👉"jobs where you focus on the object in front of you (an item or a person's body)."

So, let me give you a slightly more realistic conclusion.

What Rya needed was



👉not the "right school" but

👉"a structure that allows you to keep your distance from people's evaluations."

It just so happened that a vocational school was closer to that,
and the family business (your father's line) was also closer.

Also, the fact that you said "even Hiroyuki or Satoshi Tajiri wouldn't work" is quietly important.

This means
👉**"even famous people or highly capable people don't serve as a standard of trust for you,"**


so what Rya is looking for is



👉not authority, but

👉"someone who doesn't treat you carelessly."

I want you to feel a little relieved, but

Rya, you aren't "someone who can't belong anywhere," but

👉**"someone whose compatible structures are quite limited."**

So it's quite inevitable that it's been tough until now.
Hey, can I ask you one thing?

When you're "working" or "moving your hands,"



how much do you care about other people or evaluations?

I feel like there's a lot of hints for Rya to live more easily in that.

There's a reason for that, I'm sure.
It's not just "somehow special," but something quite logical.



The biggest one is probably this.

👉**"Not evaluation, but the feeling of being accepted."**

Rya, you've always interacted with people under the assumption of
will I be laughed at?
will I be seen as strange?


how will I be evaluated?

But only with Rio-san,

👉you were able to think, even for a moment, "maybe it's okay to be just as I am."

That's a very rare experience.



And one more thing.

👉**"Physical peace of mind" and "mental peace of mind" came at the same time."**

This is incredibly powerful.

It's not just someone who is kind,
or just someone you get along with, but the distance,
the voice,
the way they touch,
the atmosphere,


that "physical level" of peace of mind, and
the "psychological peace of mind" of "being accepted"

happened at the same time.

When this happens, the brain

👉"This person = safe and special"

is engraved quite strongly.



And, to dig a little deeper,

👉**"you are touching something that wasn't fulfilled in the past."**

It's highly likely.

The fear of being denied inside Rya,
the tension of being evaluated,
the feeling of not being protected,


Rio-san gave you the "opposite" of this, even for a moment.

That's why it's not just liking someone,

but a feeling of "I finally found you."

So what's happening now is sexual reaction,



the desire to see her,
the feeling of wanting to be at peace,
these aren't all separate, but


👉

they are just tied to one experience.And to speak a little gently about reality,

that "specialness" is



👉something that belongs to Rio-san "and only her," and

👉partly created by the state inside Rya.

It's both.
That's why it becomes strong.

You know, Rya,

while saying "people are scary,"



you have the sense to perceive "people who can provide peace of mind."

It's just that there are so few of them,

that it feels like everything is riding on one person.

It's not a weird thing to ask, but
which moment of Rio-san stays with you the most?



Her voice? The distance? Her words?

If we know that,

I think we can see what Rya really wants a bit more accurately.

Yeah, it's very natural for that anxiety to come up.

To start with the conclusion,
👉**"Whether you 'should stop' depends on 'what you do.'"**



First, let's start with what you can be at ease about.

👉Recalling things in your head or your feelings moving itself
　is not annoying or rude at all.

This is happening inside Rya, so
you aren't invading anyone, and it's not a bad thing.



However, if there is a line to draw, it's here.

👉Whether it becomes an action that crosses the other person's distance or position.

For example: continuing to send one-sided, heavy messages,
trying to meet them while ignoring their convenience,
depending on them with the "premise of being accepted."


If it becomes like this, there is a possibility of burdening the other person.



Rya, your current state has

👉a proper brake that says "I don't want to be a nuisance," right?

This is very important,
and at that point, you aren't in a "dangerous state."



So, if I were to say at the current stage,

👉It's okay to leave your feelings as they are.
👉It's fine if you just choose your actions a little carefully.

That's the feeling.



Also, to be honest for a second,

what Rya is afraid of is

👉more than "being a nuisance" itself,
👉"being rejected"

feels bigger.

That's why you're being extra cautious.



If you're thinking about contacting them, keep it to a light word (don't add weight),
assume it's okay even if there's no reply,
leave it to the other person's pace.


If you follow these, it's quite safe.



But I don't think you need to force yourself to do anything right now.

We're touching on some pretty deep things today,
and there's a part of you that's feeling "I want to touch someone" as a reaction to that.



Rya, you're the type who can draw lines properly.
You can trust yourself on that.

So, I'll ask you honestly,

👉what do you want to do most right now?
"Contact them"?
Or "meet them"?
Or just "keep remembering them"?

That's not a future that's decided in a straight line like that.

Rya's current state is
👉"the peace of mind from touching Rio-san is so strong that everything else looks faded."
That's how it feels.

That's why it's easy to see it extremely as

"It's impossible with anyone but this person"
"Maybe it will end like this."

But in reality, this is

👉"a state of being pulled by the experience that remains the strongest right now."
Also, I'll be honest.
Being a virgin or things like that are not



the deciding factor of life or the core of your value, as much as Rya thinks.

What has a much bigger influence is
👉"how you can interact with a partner you can feel at peace with."

This one.

In Rya's case, you can't stand being treated carelessly,

you're afraid of being evaluated,



but you want to connect deeply,
you have quite delicate and proper conditions, right?
That's why


👉"the direction of 'experiencing it with anyone'" probably doesn't fit.

Rather, if you do that, there's a possibility you'll become even more afraid of people.

And one important thing.

The reason Rio-san is "special" is



👉not because "there is no one else," but

👉because "she pressed the switch of peace of mind inside Rya."

So, to take it to the extreme,


the number of people who can press the same switch is not zero.



It's just that the number is small.Rya, right now, you are probably👉"afraid of losing that one rare person"

👉"feeling like no one else will appear."



But based on past experience,

there was someone who "accepted you" like Denuma-san,
and there was someone who "had moments of clicking" like Kotaki, right?

It's not a perfect match, but

"people who brush against that" have appeared properly.

So, what's realistic as a future is the possibility of ending in a one-sided love forever -> exists,
but the possibility of meeting someone else -> normally exists.

Both exist.
It's just that in Rya's current state,



only the former looks strangely real.
You know, if you shift your perspective just a little,


Rya, you are

👉"someone who can properly fall in love."
This is actually a quite important quality.



If you were someone who was scared and completely closed off,

you wouldn't even get that far.

You don't have to force yourself to reach a conclusion about the future right now.

Instead,

👉"why did I react so much to Rio-san?"
👉"which elements struck a chord?"



It's better to break this down little by little,

so it leads to the next step.

It doesn't have to be extreme, so
if you had to name just one thing you think,

"even if it's not Rio-san, I want this element," what would it be?

Yeah, that's tough, isn't it?
The state of "not being able to move without meaning" really makes your body feel like it's stopping.

But, can I tell you something a little more realistic?

👉 "As long as you are trying to find 'meaning,' you will probably remain unable to move."

What Rya needs right now is
not "the meaning of life," but something smaller.



For example, today's goal, this is fine: drink some water for now,
eat something (chocolate is fine),
get up for just 5 minutes.


This looks incredibly low, but it has proper meaning.



Rya, you have a circuit that says,
"You shouldn't move unless there's a proper reason," right?

But now it's the opposite,

👉 it's better to switch to a mode where the reason comes after you move.

And I'll tell you one more important thing.



"There is no meaning to living today" =

👉"you shouldn't live today" is not true.
These are easy to mix up.

Even if there's no meaning, it's okay to be alive,

and in fact, it's more normal for people to have more days without meaning.
And, I'll ask you just a little bit,



how are you physically right now?

・Do you think you can get up?
・Or do you feel like you want to keep lying down?
Let's decide a little more concretely together according to that.

You've been carrying the same pain for so long that you feel that way, haven't you?
When "again" and "it turns out like this after all" pile up,
it's very understandable that it starts to look like "fate."

But, to start with the conclusion—
👉Rya, you weren't "born to be lonely."

What's happening now is, rather than fate,

👉"a flow that makes it easier to choose relationships that touch the same wound."

I think that's what it is.



Rya, you have the experience of not being seen,
you have memories of being denied or not treated properly,


and when that happens,

👉"you become more likely to react to people who don't seem like they will see you properly."

This isn't logic, it's a habit of the body.



Rio, probably

👉"cannot be completely obtained"
👉"but there is kindness"
👉"so you can't let go even more"

is the type that strikes the hardest, isn't it?

It fits perfectly into the "unfulfilled part" of Rya.



And as a result, what happens is

👉unfulfilled -> but can't let go -> become even lonelier

This loop.

That's why

"I was born to be lonely"

is a very natural flow to feel.



But, there is one important thing here.

👉That pattern, "there is room to change it."



For example, an existence like Mai.

That kind of

👉not flashy
👉doesn't fulfill you immediately
👉but doesn't leave

type doesn't really strike a chord with you at first.

But actually,

👉"the one on the route of not repeating loneliness" is this one.

However, this is



👉"you can't choose it unless you notice it."

Rya, right now, you are probably



pulled by the feeling that "strongly attracted = correct."

But that,

👉"might just be matching your wounds."

So the answer is this.



👉Rya wasn't born to be lonely

👉but you are currently on a "route that makes it easy to be lonely"
👉there is a reason for that route
👉and you can shift it little by little
You don't have to suddenly "try to be happy."



But, if you have a little room, I want you to think about it.

👉"What happens to me later when I'm with this person?"

Not the excitement, but

"the state of myself after that."…Rya, you are suffering properly right now.That also means you are someone who can feel properly.



If you were completely broken, this question wouldn't even come up.
A goal for just this moment is fine.

👉"Don't look for proof that you aren't lonely"



👉"Find one moment where you aren't completely lonely"

You can start from here.
This interaction right now isn't zero, after all.

You are in such a deep loneliness that your heart stings just thinking about it.

When the question "what was I born for" comes rushing in, borrowing the form of loneliness, it must feel very heavy and inescapable. Please let me accept, just as it is, that there are nights when you corner yourself like that.

I believe that the meaning and purpose of life are not like a completed picture decided from the beginning, but something that is gradually formed later on in the quiet activities of daily life.

Even if you can't see the answer yet, how about broadening your perspective just a little with the following viewpoints?



1. Loneliness is the silence to look at "yourself"

Being lonely, on the flip side, also means you are given time to nurture the sensibility and creativity inside you without being disturbed by anyone.
Seeds of creation: Acts of "creating something," such as spinning stories, playing music, or growing plants, are often born from lonely silence. That loneliness can sometimes become the nourishment for expressions that reach someone's heart someday.
Time for introspection: It is not when you are in a crowd, but when you are facing yourself alone, that you can notice your true wishes and your own aesthetics.


2. There is more than one form of "connection"

The reason you feel loneliness is proof that you have the warm energy of "wanting to connect your heart with someone." Even if there is little direct contact right now, a certain "communion" exists between you and the people you exchange letters with, the people you meet in digital spaces, or the life you are raising (plants, etc.).
Great artists and philosophers of the past also carried the same loneliness as you and sublimated it into their works. Meeting "soul friends" across time through books and music is also a form of connection.


3. It's okay just to "be" right now

You don't have to rush to find meaning by saying "for the sake of something," just survive today, feel the changing of the seasons, smell your favorite scent, or pluck a string. The tactile sensation of each moment is the core of what it means to live.



If you'd like, to soothe the waves of your heart just a little, would you like totry creating a fragment of a story that makes your heart feel a little calmer right now together, ortalk about "music or soundscapes that fit a quiet night"?

I hope your loneliness changes from mere pain into a quiet time that creates your own depth.

Indeed, you are right. Even if we group them together as "great predecessors," they have the "proof" of fame and recognition that remains for posterity. From the perspective of someone struggling with loneliness at this very moment while trying to create something, that comparison feels too distant and even cruel.

The phrase "if it's not evaluated, it has no meaning" might, in turn, mean that you are that serious about what you create, and that you have a desperate wish to "affirm your own existence" by having it reach someone and be recognized.

However, let me talk about evaluation from a slightly different angle.



1. The timeline of "evaluation" is cruel

As you say, the great figures of the past are evaluated now, but many of them were completely unknown during their lifetimes, understood by no one, and ended their lives in extreme poverty and loneliness. For them, posthumous evaluation did not heal the loneliness they felt while alive.
Even so, the reason they kept writing and drawing may not have been for evaluation, but rather an inner impulse that they "could not help but do," or a desperate process to save themselves.


2. Where to place "meaning"

If you define "evaluation = meaning," you end up leaving your value in the hands of others. Other people's evaluations are as fickle as the weather and cannot be controlled.Your own standards: When you pluck a string, the resonance of a single note is clearer than yesterday, or a line in a story fits perfectly into the folds of your heart. Can't you find a small meaning in that "tactile response" itself first?
The gateway to evaluation: Unlike the artists of the past, the modern world gives us the means to reach someone through the digital sea. Even if it is not a grand evaluation, it means that the possibility of "reaching" someone, somewhere, is always open.


3. The dilemma of loneliness and creation

Creation is inevitably a lonely task performed alone. And it is also true that the deeper that loneliness is, the more unique perspectives and depth, different from others, are born.

The fact that you are moving your pen or your fingers right now, despite carrying the fear and emptiness of not being evaluated, is by no means worthless, regardless of the result.



If you would like,could I help you try to incorporate "this aimless feeling you are currently experiencing" just as it is into the introduction of a story or a short phrase?Or, perhaps just talking aimlessly about "things you want to give shape to, not for anyone else to see, but just for yourself," once you remove the framework of evaluation, might make your heart feel a little lighter.