No. 819 I found the root cause of why I can't enjoy the 'moment'

The real reason I can't enjoy fun situations like casual chats or drinking parties... is because I am looking for the correct answer.

In other words, the fear of 'losing'—the desire not to fail—is still deeply rooted within me.

That said, the frequency of its appearance has decreased significantly compared to before, and at the same time, I have become able to clearly understand what it is asserting.

This can be called a major harvest.

All the 'nots' that have been running through my head since long ago
The contents are as follows.

・I donot
understand the other person's intentions ・I cannot
control the situation ・I donot
want to be looked down upon ・I donot want to make others feel obligated

In short, being intolerant toward 'not'. How should I put it, it feels like an allergic reaction.

I am a serious-minded person.
However, being able to be aware of this 'not' also means that it can be converted into 'is' (understanding/being able to do) through effort and ingenuity.

I am talking about this because I participated in a drinking party for a (philosophy learning) reading community yesterday.
At that time, I broke down and reconstructed the various movements of my heart that I felt.
Through this process, I arrived at this article. (I held a mini mental reflection session that I also did a little while ago on this day as well)

'I am still bad at direct conversation.'
But this weakness supports my writing ability.
In that respect, I have confidence.

In summary, I will not come to hate myself for having such a side.
Having settled on this, the reflection session ended safely.