Essay | My Precarious Current Situation. Days Prioritizing Life's Joys Over Financial Worries

Since I have an event coming up today, I attended a hula lesson during the day, which is different from my usual routine.

Something suddenly crossed my mind while I was dancing.

People might think, 'She takes hula lessons and goes on solo trips, she must be incredibly rich. Anyone can write articles if they spend money on experiences.'

Quite a negative feeling surfaced.
In reality, I am not taking lessons or traveling because I have money to spare.

I was able to go because my savings aren't at zero.
Even if it's tight, and even if my savings are dwindling, I have a screw loose and a groundless confidence that 'things will work out.' Besides, I have a desperate wish to 'liberate myself rather than endure.'

When I was young, I didn't know what I was living for, I couldn't feel my own worth, I didn't feel like I was truly alive, and I lived wishing I were dead. For someone like me who has experienced mental illness, I have a desire to use money for the joys of life while I am alive, rather than saving it out of anxiety.

My way of thinking is that I can get my finances in order later.

I am aware that I am a very precarious person, but this is my current reality.

I used to be bad at receiving not just money, but things and everything else.

I feel that deep down, there is a persistent feeling that because I don't feel value in myself, I don't want to receive fair compensation or anything at all.

There was an event that symbolized this.

Previously, a person who came to repair my air conditioner due to a recall broke the panel through carelessness. They charged me 7,000 yen, saying it couldn't be helped because it was deteriorated. When my husband protested, the 7,000 yen was returned, but I was immediately caught for speeding and ended up paying 7,000 yen.

I felt that this was a phenomenon caused by my own fixation on not being able to accept money honestly. I think there have been many times in the past when money disappeared because I felt resistance to receiving it.

'Because I don't feel value in myself, I don't want to receive fair compensation or anything at all.'

This deep-seated feeling began to change little by little once I was able to work a bit and started to feel happy and grateful for receiving compensation.

I don't think a person's worth can be measured by the amount of money they have, but the fact that I might have been of some use to society gave me confidence and cheered me up.

Since my self-worth began to recover, I might be getting better—no, actually quite good—at allowing myself to spend money on myself.

I think now that I should just start there. I've decided to start by trying to like money.

When I eat delicious food or do things I love, instead of thinking 'I spent it' or 'it's gone,' I spend it with joy. I express gratitude: thank you money, thank you for the service, thank you for the experience, thank you for the delicious food. I receive it with joy.

I have a groundless confidence that if I can truly learn to like and happily receive money, it will naturally lead to a secure future without me having to desperately save out of anxiety.

And I want to become someone who can also enjoy receiving things other than money. I think that includes, for example, compliments, kindness offered to me, and even love for myself.

Regarding the incident where I was treated to a meal by some older guys I met at an izakaya in Izumo that I visited alone the other day, I felt anxious afterward wondering if I should have paid properly, but when I think about how I was able to accept it saying, 'I'm so happy! Thank you!', I feel a sense of change and growth.

The joy and sense of fulfillment have come full circle and now outweigh the guilt of not paying. I feel like the vessel for receiving in me is gradually expanding.

That said, I want to organize the ambiguous flow of my finances within this year, and feel a tangible sense of security rather than just groundless confidence. My daughter, who became a university student this year, is studying to be a financial planner—perhaps because she is secretly worried about her somewhat precarious mother? She is the complete opposite of me, thoroughly steady and reliable, having even won a tuition waiver by passing as a scholarship student.

I, too, would like to become more grounded and enjoy living on this Earth with a greater sense of peace.

Recently, I received tips on my articles and had people purchase my paid content, which made me incredibly happy. Words like "That was interesting" and "You gave me a push" have also been a huge encouragement.

Even if a moment of anxiety crosses my mind wondering if it's okay for me to be this way, being able to accept the love and money offered to me and think, "I'm so happy!" feels like a major evolution and transformation for myself.

Receiving compensation for the things I love—cards, counseling, and writing—is scary, and every time I've taken a step, I've felt discouraged, but I intend to gradually liberate myself in that direction as well.

Little by little. Even if it's one step at a time.

While the world is filled with anxiety over rising prices, I think I might be carefree and out of touch for practicing "receiving" with a lighthearted "it'll all work out!" attitude.

Even so, while accepting that version of myself, I want to cherish, nurture, be grateful for, and enjoy my life.