People with dementia do not say, "Didn't I just tell you?"

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I want to remember what was said, but...

　
"Didn't I just tell you?"
"Have you forgotten already?"

When someone forgets what you said, these kinds of frustrations often slip out.

People remember well what they have said themselves.
On the other hand, the listener may not remember.
That gap becomes the phrase, "Didn't I just tell you?"

This is also influenced by each other's knowledge and level of understanding.
Elderly people, in particular, are prone to declines in memory and comprehension.

Therefore, when a conversation becomes somewhat complicated, they often cannot fully grasp it.
As a result, they end up forgetting even after listening to the end.
And then, they end up being told the kinds of things mentioned at the beginning by family members and others.

When someone forgets what you said, it is easy to become emotional.
I understand that feeling well.

However, the other person did not forget on purpose.
Even if they want to listen and understand properly, their body and brain may not be able to keep up.　
　

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How to interact in dementia care

With dementia, it becomes difficult to retain short-term memory.
Events from a few minutes ago are also hard to hold onto.
They may even forget what they said themselves.

Therefore, there is no point in blaming them by saying, "Didn't I just tell you?"
In the first place, getting angry or expressing frustration will not make them remember, and they might even forget that they said anything at all.

It is better to think that the premise of communication with someone with dementia is different, including their level of knowledge and comprehension.

That does not mean they do not understand anything or cannot do anything.
It is simply that it is better to interact in a way that is suited to dementia.

This is not limited to dementia.
Communicating in a way that suits the other person is a fundamental aspect of human relationships.　

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People with dementia do not deny "forgetting"

Working at a group home, I noticed one thing.

"Didn't I just tell you?"

This phrase is often spoken by those providing care.
It is likely an expression of frustration over failed communication with their parents or the people they care for.

However, you almost never hear it from the person receiving care.

At first, I thought it was just a coincidence.
But I was wrong.

The reason is that they do not remember what they said.
Therefore, even if the other person doesn't remember, no frustration arises. There is no disappointment either.

I think this is quite a profound realization.
It means that because of the decline in memory associated with dementia, there are fewer moments where they become emotional toward others.

Many people want their thoughts to be understood.
But when they aren't, they get angry.
When they are forgotten, they feel sad.
It is precisely because they have the memory of having "conveyed" something that they suffer.

Thinking about it that way,perhaps the fact that "they don't remember what they said" actually frees them a little from the suffering we so often carry.

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A way of life that cannot be defined only by "loss"

We tend to think of "forgetting" as a bad thing.

Of course, forgetting the names of loved ones or important events is very painful.
It is agonizing when the person in front of you is pleading for you to remember, and you cannot respond to that.

On the other hand, "forgetting" may also have an aspect where one lets go of the "suffering of not being understood by others" along with it.

It is good to remember what others say, to have knowledge, and to be able to understand. However, that is not everything.

There is a human aspect there that cannot be defined only by "what is lost."
Being in the field of caregiving has made me think about such things.

Thank you for reading this far.
I am also grateful to those who stopped reading halfway through.

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【Book Introduction】
Working in caregiving without pushing yourself too hard
Tips for letting go of "I have to try harder"

・Caregiving is something "I should just work harder at"
・Things aren't going well because I'm not trying hard enough
・I'm working hard, but for some reason, it's not paying off
There are many care workers who work while carrying such thoughts.

This book introduces ways of thinking that allow you to continue caregiving without breaking your mind and body.
You can check the contents and read a sample on the Amazon product page below.