The reason for the tantrum was just one word. I wanted to say that one word

A true story about a 3-year-old who couldn't stop throwing a tantrum

My daughter was 3 years old, almost 4.
The moment we finished eating and left the restaurant, she suddenly started crying, which then turned into a tantrum.
From there, it was a one-hour battle with the tantrum.

My crying daughter turns into a tantrum.

My wife, my daughter, and I had just finished our meal, left the restaurant, and the moment we closed the door, our daughter suddenly started crying.
She wouldn't take a single step from in front of the restaurant door and started to cry.
We desperately tried to figure out what had happened.
Since it was a popular restaurant with a constant stream of customers, I urged my wife to move away from the entrance, and we took our daughter to a different spot.
At that moment, our daughter's crying turned into a tantrum.

From there, it was sobbing and nothing but "No!"
Wife: "Something made you want to cry, didn't it?"
Wife: "Did something bad happen?"
Daughter: "No!"
Wife: "I see, something bad happened, huh?"
Once it gets to this point, no matter what we say, it's impossible to talk, and she enters a state where everything is a "no."

Since my parents' house was nearby, I carried my struggling daughter and moved to their parking lot. Even while being carried, she was thrashing about, crying loudly, "No!"
And then, as soon as we reached the parking lot, my daughter suddenly started running.

My daughter suddenly starts running during a tantrum

My daughter never usually starts running on the road all of a sudden.
But she suddenly started running down the road.
We were just shocked and chased after her in a hurry.
Is she really this fast?
She was running at a speed that made us wonder.
My daughter was so upset by the tantrum that she didn't know what was going on and just started running for no reason. Worried about where she might go, we chased after her desperately.
And the place my daughter headed to was the restaurant we had just left.

My daughter was running straight toward it.
What on earth happened?
We had just finished a normal meal, and all three of us had said, "That was delicious!"
I desperately tried to find a reason, thinking there must be one, but I couldn't.
There was no way to know.
No matter what I asked my daughter in this state, it was only "No!"
My wife just tried to calm her down.

My daughter's crying echoed through the shopping street.
She absolutely refused to leave the front of the restaurant.
If we tried to move her away, it got even worse.
Still, we couldn't cause trouble for the restaurant, so we kept her away.

And for about an hour, she was in an uncontrollable state.

Wife: "Something bad happened, didn't it? That was tough."
Wife: "I'll listen to you properly, it's okay."
Time passed with us just saying things like that.

The reason she started crying was.

My daughter finally started to calm down.
When we took her to my parents' shop where her beloved grandma was, she was finally in a state where we could talk. I slowly asked my daughter what happened.

Wife: "What was it that you didn't like?"
Daughter: "The 'thank you for the meal' was... mumble mumble..."
Wife: "Hmm?"
Wife: "Oh! You mean the book we read yesterday?!"
Daughter: "Yes."
Wife: "Did you want to imitate the big sister in the book who said 'thank you for the meal' to the restaurant staff and was told 'thank you' by them?"
Daughter: "Yes. I couldn't say 'thank you for the meal'."
Wife: "Did you want to go back to the restaurant to say 'thank you for the meal'?"
Daughter: "Yes."

Everything about my daughter's behavior made sense.

Thinking back, when we were paying, I had chatted and greeted the staff.
Me & Wife: "Thank you for the meal."
Staff: "Thank you very much."
I remember my daughter watching that scene closely.
I also remember her looking a bit fidgety at that time.
But since it was the first time we had met the staff, I just thought she was staring out of curiosity.

My daughter loves books, and whenever she sees a book with a big sister in it, she tries to imitate her and wants to become that big sister.
Thanks to that, she tries to get dressed by herself, prepares her own things, and helps clean up after meals, which has had a very positive influence on her.
I felt once again how amazing the power of books is.
Or rather than the power of books, should I say the influence of a third party?
It just happened to be the big sister in the book.
I think it's the same for adults; we might not listen to our parents, but we can listen honestly to people we like, friends, or teachers.

The conflict as a parent

When we realized that, the restaurant had already entered its lunch break, and it was no longer a time when we could go back and say "thank you for the meal."
My daughter ended up leaving my parents' house without being able to say "thank you for the meal."
On the way home, the moment we left my parents' house, my daughter fell into a deep sleep and didn't wake up for the two and a half hours it took to get home.

I want to understand my daughter's feelings.
I want to be there for her properly.
Even though I think that, it was an incident in the middle of a shopping street for an hour in a state I didn't quite understand.

I couldn't cause trouble for the neighbors or the surrounding shops.

But I also want to face my daughter's feelings.

It was an incident that caused conflict between us as a couple.

There are moments when even if you understand, your feelings cannot keep up.
It made me think again about whether there is any way to calm her down before she goes into a tantrum.
This incident led us as a couple to think more seriously about how to deal with her tantrums.

My daughter's changes after that

The next day, I talked to my daughter.

Me: "You couldn't say thank you for the meal yesterday, could you?"
Daughter: "Yeah" (sadly)
Me: "From now on, when we go to a restaurant, let's say thank you for the meal! If you forget, I'll remind you."
Daughter: "Yeah. I'll do that."

Since then, whenever we go to a restaurant, she has started saying thank you for the meal on her own when she finishes eating or when we pay the bill. It was an incident that made me truly feel that even though she is still a 3-year-old child, she is living her life with her own intense feelings.

Now that she is 4, she looks the staff member right in the face and says "Thank you for the meal!" with a smile.
The trigger for that was also something truly trivial.
My daughter looked a staff member right in the eyes for the first time, perhaps? And said "Thank you for the meal!" At that moment, the staff member there turned bright red, looked at my daughter's face, and replied shyly, "Thank you~."
Seeing that, my daughter looked very happy and beamed with a full smile.

By the way, it was Ootoya lol

I thought that when she fails, when she can't do something well, or conversely when she does something well or feels happy, the person who feels it the most is the person herself.
I will face her with the understanding that she knows best.

My daughter has experiences, and I have experiences. Our next selves are built from various experiences, aren't they?

▼ Such experiences lead to the kind of parenting where we as a couple watch over her as much as we can.