Examining Happiness Part 2
Click here for Part 1 ⬇
This is a continuation of my notes where I've been thinking about various things after being deeply moved by the discussion on examining happiness from Jane Su's podcast, OVER THE SUN.
Your 30s are when events occur that make you thoroughly dislike yourself ▶ This is the time for your first round of self-reflection (if you're too busy to do it, things won't add up in your 40s)
What struck a chord here is exactly my current situation while raising children! I can say this is the number one event that makes me thoroughly dislike myself. Especially when solo parenting, a child's illness, and my husband's business trip all overlap, I lose my composure instantly, can't find any time for myself, and even though my husband is having a hard time too, he starts bragging about how hard he has it, and it's a huge commotion every time lol
▶ Time for the first round of self-reflection!
It's here! So that's what it means.
When entering this phase of having no breathing room, I always thought, "I'm handling everything right now because I'm on maternity leave, but if I'm already at my breaking point and barely managing, what am I supposed to do when I return to work!?" This anxiety about the future was always part of the package.
I had a vague suspicion, but a small voice kept whispering, "Then why not just quit your job?" I don't have the courage to go that far, but I will quit being a full-time employee. If I'm going to work part-time, there's no need to stick to my current company, and maybe I could work part-time in this town I've grown to love?
I've almost reached an answer up to this point.
Here, the examination of [What is my happiness?] surfaces again.
At the very beginning
Happiness when you are alone and happiness when you become two or three people start to diverge
Isn't it possible to rephrase that exactly as
A happy way of working when you are alone and a happy way of working when you become two or three people start to diverge
as well?
Upon entering maternity leave for my second child, a new feeling sprouted: "The happiness of being able to take a slow walk while dropping off my older child." Even after returning home, instead of "Hurry up and take a bath! Eat dinner!! Get ready for bed!!!", I want a life where I have the leeway to respond when asked to read a picture book. I started to think this was just right, so I decided to postpone my return to work this spring and extend my maternity leave.
My thoughts at that time are here ⬇
If I were to return to being a full-time employee after my leave, I would of course be letting go of the life I finally found to be just right. If solo parenting, illness, and business trips overlap there, I don't even have the confidence that I'll remain human lol I'll lose my mind and think I might just turn into an animal lol
Is that happiness?
Yeah, this is the first round of self-reflection.
The answer is, "No!!"
It seems I have entered the second phase.
I've figured out that the time for a change in direction has arrived.
So what do I do next? I will explore this during the time I've extended my maternity leave.
With my My Notebook, Uzumaki Notebook, Voicy, and podcasts as my reliable partners.
Gradually, I've become unable to make choices that leave me feeling uneasy or unsettled. The era of ignoring my own heart and suppressing my feelings to endure is over. Towards the day when I can make choices that feel healthy and just right for my heart, I will continue to write down my feelings and struggles starting tomorrow.