"How do you feel?"—The first words I ask in 30 years of dialogue

In the past, I
was always thinking about "how to communicate properly."

Whether in corporate training or lectures,
I believed that "how to convey things" was important.

However, after standing in the field for a long time,
I noticed something.

People are not necessarily moved by "correct words."

On the contrary,

"Please speak properly."
"Please explain it logically."
"So, what do you want to do in the end?"

The more people are confronted with such words,
the more they become unable to speak.

They truly want to convey something.
But they cannot find the words.

I have seen such scenes many times.

For over 30 years,
I have stood in the field of management training and dialogue,

and the people who "cannot find their words"
are actually feeling a great deal.

It is just that they have not been able to
organize what they are feeling very well.

That is why,
at a certain point, I changed the first words I ask.

"How do you feel?"

That is
not a question seeking an answer.

It is not a question for finding the correct answer either.

It is a question for that person
to return to their own emotions.

The silence of the manager that day

A few years ago, during a management training session.

A cheerful, often laughing female manager in her 40s
looked up at the ceiling for a while the moment I asked, "How are you feeling right now?"

Eventually, she said quietly.

I still often recall those words.

People with a strong sense of responsibility
and those in leadership positions
tend to have a habit of thinking about "what I should do" rather than "how I feel."

That is why they are not used to questions that touch upon their emotions.

"How do you feel?" is
neither a question seeking an answer nor a question looking for a correct response.

It is a question for that person to return to their own emotions.

A question directed at others, and a question directed at oneself

"How do you feel?"
—How does it feel right now?
When I first posed this question,
I almost never received an immediate response.

Sometimes it leads to silence.

Sometimes the response is "I don't know."

Among them,
there were those who suddenly burst into tears.

But as I watched those reactions,
I learned that there are truly many people
who have been putting their "feelings" on the back burner.

Especially those with a strong sense of responsibility...

Managers.
Leaders.
Parents.
People who feel a strong need to "do things properly."

Those are the very people who,

before thinking about "how they feel,"
have a habit of thinking about "what they should do."

That is why
they are not used to questions that touch upon their emotions.

What is happening before communication

I feel that in many situations where people feel they are "bad at communication," what is actually happening is often not a problem with how they speak.

Worrying about the other person's reaction.
Not wanting to ruin the atmosphere.
Not wanting to be thought of as strange.

When those feelings take precedence, how you yourself are feeling gets pushed to the back burner.

The question "How do you feel?" gently puts that order back to where it belongs.

Before thinking about how to convey something, check how you are feeling right now.
Just by doing that, the quality of your words will change naturally.

What is happening before communication

Of course,
I wasn't able to do this well from the beginning either.

I used to be someone who...

"I want you to cheer up"
"I want you to be positive"

Those feelings were so strong that
sometimes my questions became a form of "pressure."

There were also times when I tried to rush to find an answer.

But what was truly needed was

not "correct advice," but
"a time to feel safe" instead.

Since then,
I have come to value "waiting" before asking a question.

Even silence,
I don't fill it immediately.

Even time where there are no words,
I don't rush it.

Then, little by little,

"Actually, I've been suffering for a long time"
"I think I was angry"
"Maybe I was sad"

Words like those
began to come out, one by one.

Skills come after the heart

Right now, I believe that
"not leaving your own emotions behind"
is more important than "being able to speak well."

"Skills come after the heart."

Because no matter how much knowledge or technique you have,
if you lose touch with your own emotions,
dialogue with others becomes painful.

That is why,
whether in training or in daily life,
I always ask this first.

It is for the other person,
but perhaps, it is also a question for yourself.

Actually,
it might be a question for yourself as well.

When you want to talk back.
When you have fallen silent.
When you can no longer say anything.

"How am I feeling right now?"

It is okay if you don't have an answer right away.
It is fine even if it doesn't turn into words.

Because the act of asking the question itself is a choice not to treat yourself harshly.

Not leaving your own emotions behind

It is okay if you cannot speak well.
It is okay if you don't have an answer immediately.

Just once,
try asking yourself,
"How do you feel?"

That small pause
can sometimes bring you back to your original position.

Now, how are you feeling at this moment?

If you would like, please try writing down your current feeling
somewhere, even if it is just a single word.

It doesn't have to be an answer; leave it as it is, in progress.

If there was a part while reading this where you felt like "I want to pause for a moment,"
here are some recommended articles.

A word for today

May today be a good day for you too🌹

Profile
Junko Kiryu | Communication Trainer
I have spent 30 years in training settings, working with a total of 150,000 people, primarily in corporate environments.
Most instances of "not getting through" are not about the words, but about one's attitude.
I share these insights through my articles.
Author of "The Heart's Switch"

Thank you for reading until the end.

"I don't know how to relate to people."
"I think I'm coaching them, but it's not being applied in the workplace."

If such situations continue within your organization,

it may not be an individual problem,
but something that can be changed by redesigning how you "relate" to others.

I conduct corporate training and lectures on the themes of managerial dialogue skills, 1-on-1s, and psychological safety.

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"In the consideration stage"
or "I just want to know the cost" is perfectly fine.