At first, 'The Courage to Be Disliked' felt cold to an HSP/ISFJ. But 13 years later, it remains the axis of my life.

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Thirteen years ago, while I was working at a rehabilitation hospital in Osaka, an OT friend of the same age recommended Adlerian psychology to me.

Honestly, I wasn't that interested at the time.

The turning point came after I returned to my hometown. Worries about my body shape, vague anxiety about the future, and groundless negative thinking that there was no way I could get married at 26 or 27—all these things piled up, and I picked up the book thinking, 'I'll read this to change myself.'

Thirteen years have passed since then. Now, I have a 7-year-old daughter and a loving family.

I can state with certainty that 'The Courage to Be Disliked' is the book that changed my life.

The me before reading it

I was basically a negative thinker.

I genuinely thought marriage was irrelevant to me. I was also self-conscious about my body shape. I was working at a local day care, and I had more free time than I did during my days at the rehabilitation hospital in Osaka. But there was always a fog in my heart.

There was only the question, 'Is it okay to stay like this?' and I couldn't find the answer.

The concept that hit home the most: teleology and the true nature of anger

What shocked me the most when reading it was 'teleology'.

It is not past causes, but present purposes that create actions. Stop looking for reasons why you can't change in the past, and place the purpose for changing here and now. That way of thinking closed off all the escape routes for changing myself.

And one more thing. Anger is nothing more than a tool to control the other person, is what it said.

From that day on, I stopped lashing out with the emotion of anger. Anger does well up inside me sometimes. It's natural because I'm human. But I think deeply before I restrain myself. I became conscious of anger management.

This also directly applied to raising my child. I have never once scolded my 7-year-old daughter using the emotion of anger. I have focused on dialogue rather than emotion, trying to find words that resonate with her. My daughter is growing up to be a laid-back child now. She used to scream and cry when she was 2 or 3, but I tried to accept her rather than suppress her with emotion. I would sometimes feel frustrated inside, and honestly, there were times when it was tough. But I kept at it. For 13 years, ever since I read Adler.

After reading it, my life started moving

By standing on teleology and having the 'courage to change,' I succeeded in dieting. I stopped looking for reasons why I couldn't change and closed off all the escape routes for changing beforehand.

As a result, my body shape changed, I got a girlfriend, and I was able to get married.

My approach to human relationships at the day care at the time also changed before and after reading it. Everything was going well without any issues. Although, that's a story about how things were until the rehabilitation department closed later, but that's for another time.

The relationship between HSP/ISFJ and The Courage to Be Disliked

When HSP or ISFJ individuals read this book, I think they will initially find it very cold and feel as though they are being denied. I felt the same way.

Phrases like "don't worry about what others think" and "have the courage to be disliked" sound to an HSP/ISFJ, who lives with a radar constantly sensing how others perceive them, like being told to discard the very radar they use to protect themselves.

The "separation of tasks" also felt cold at first. For an ISFJ, who cannot leave people in trouble alone and resonates with the emotions of others, drawing a line feels like becoming a cold-hearted person, leading to feelings of guilt.

When the "teleology" approach claims that "you are choosing to be shy on purpose," I want to push back, thinking, "But this nervous sensitivity is real."

However, once you overcome that pain and understand Adler's true intentions, these teachings become the most powerful weapon to break the chains that have bound HSP/ISFJ individuals.

The "separation of tasks" becomes the ultimate shield against empathy fatigue. For an HSP who tends to shoulder someone else's bad mood, thinking "maybe it's my fault," the technique of separating it by saying "their bad mood is their task, not mine" becomes a reliable piece of armor to protect one's mental health.

"The Courage to Be Disliked" is meant for reclaiming your own axis. Being okay with being disliked does not mean intentionally harassing others. It means that since how others evaluate you is their task, you stop spending energy on it.

Furthermore, it is naturally compatible with "community feeling." The ultimate goal of Adlerian psychology—"contributing to others and feeling a sense of belonging"—perfectly aligns with the ISFJ's essential desire to "be useful to others." When you can contribute to others in a healthy way after separating tasks, rather than through self-sacrifice, the strengths of an ISFJ shine the brightest.

Parts where I still think, "This is different"

Having engaged with this book for 13 years, I can honestly say: I don't believe everything in it is correct.

Discomfort with the complete denial of the desire for recognition. Adler strongly preaches that one should discard all desire for recognition. However, the joy of having my digital art resonate with someone or having my work selected is different from reading people's faces. For an artist, the "joy of having others enjoy my work" is pure motivation, and denying even that feels a bit harsh.

A critique of the total denial of etiology. The teleological view that "trauma does not exist; everything depends on your current purpose" is striking. But the biological basis of being an HSP, where "the nervous system is easily stimulated," definitely exists. When the book tries to dismiss even issues with system specifications as a "purpose to avoid getting hurt," I want to calmly retort, "No, there are definitely issues with the body's specifications."

The naive feeling of "unconditional trust in others." Regarding Adler's recommendation to trust others unconditionally without considering the risk of betrayal, I think, "One can trust others while also acting with risks in mind." Trust and risk management are not contradictory.

The coldness brought by the "separation of tasks." There are moments when cutting off warm, irrational connections like those in a family, or even natural compassion where you just want to help someone, by saying "that is the other person's task," kills kindness and humanity. The deep affection of an ISFJ and the separation of tasks sometimes contradict each other.

What I still practice 13 years later

Not lashing out with anger. This is the one thing I have consistently kept up.

Anger may well up inside me. But I stop, think deeply, and then exercise self-control. Whether in human relationships or child-rearing, this habit has not changed.

In interpersonal relationships, there are still times when I feel exhausted even when I know I am being attacked. I think to myself that I probably haven't fully understood it yet. And that's okay. Even after 13 years, I am still on the way.

Occupational therapist, 16th year. Working at a special nursing home. Former dementia care instructor. HSP/ISFJ. I keep both "The Courage to Be Disliked" and "The Courage to Be Happy" on hand.

Recommended reading and listening

Thank you for reading this article to the end. 'You don't have to be liked by everyone' and 'Another person's bad mood is their own task.' These teachings of Adler become the 'ultimate shield' for us HSPs and ISFJs to protect ourselves while remaining kind.

For those who feel, 'I understand it in my head, but how do I use it in an actual workplace?' or for those who want to make things easier for themselves, these articles will surely be helpful.

🌿 Concrete techniques for practicing 'separation of tasks' in the workplace

I have summarized, based on concrete actions, how I draw boundaries between myself and others in the actual field of a special nursing home where various professions intersect.

• Concrete techniques for HSPs to avoid burnout in the workplace. What I have practiced in my 16th year as an occupational therapist

• 5 things that HSP support professionals use to avoid being worn down at work

💡 Why I needed 'techniques to protect myself'

Before I encountered Adlerian psychology, my heart was on the verge of breaking at work. This is the story of my origin, how I managed to reclaim myself from that point.

• How an occupational therapist who was berated until 11 PM every day and thought 'I have no value in living' became able to live without medication

📖 For those who want to learn systematically (Kindle)

How to customize the teachings of 'The Courage to Be Disliked' to fit the temperament of HSPs and ISFJs, and how to master them in the field. I have condensed 16 years of experience into one book.

• My book: 'A Way of Working That Doesn't Wear You Out While Remaining Kind'

🎧 Relax while listening (YouTube)

On nights when you have no energy left to read text, try taking it in through your ears like listening to the radio.

• Kirinoha Official YouTube 'Occupational Therapist's Podcast'

People who I want to read this book

I want people who have worries about interpersonal relationships, worries about their body type, and various inferiority complexes to read it at least once.

You don't have to understand everything. You don't have to practice everything.

If there is even one part of yourself that can change, I believe that is the first step toward happiness.

Once you finish reading it, I highly recommend picking up 'The Courage to Be Happy' as well. The true depth of Adlerian psychology only becomes visible when you have both books together.

The top two are the print editions, and the bottom two are the Kindle versions.