The Difference Between Those Who Have Regrets at the End and Those Who Don't, as Seen in a Special Nursing Home

*This article contains affiliate links.
*I have started a podcast on YouTube. I would be very happy if you could listen to it as well. You can find the text version by scrolling down.

"…I'm sorry."
He moved his mouth to say that with a raspy breath.

A single tear flowed from the corner of his eye.

It was a few days before he passed away. Mr. A (a man in his 80s), who could barely take in any food or water and spent most of his day dozing off, was receiving massage and positioning from me to alleviate his pain.

He was originally a craftsman type and had always been blunt with his daughter when she came to visit, telling her, "Don't bother coming." That day, the moment his daughter held his hand and said, "Dad, I'm here," Mr. A, who had been delirious, suddenly opened his eyes slightly.

And then, he squeezed out those words.

His regret for not being able to be honest with himself, and the apology that finally arrived at the very end, were condensed into those three words. I quietly stopped my hands right there.

Regret is only visible at the very end

Working as an occupational therapist at a special nursing home, I have been involved in the end-of-life care for nearly 100 people.

In doing so, I feel something repeatedly. Regret is not visible while one is healthy. It slowly seeps out when the body stops moving, words can no longer be formed satisfactorily, and the time spent just staring at the ceiling increases.

It is not just Mr. A.

Ms. B (a woman) kept blaming herself for living a long life and becoming unable to live without relying on others. When she became completely dependent for excretion and could not even turn over in bed, she opened her eyes slightly and squeezed this out while I was performing joint rehabilitation:

"…I'm nothing but a burden…" "…I'm sorry…"

Then she squeezed her eyes shut and turned her face away.

An indescribable weight hung in that quiet hospital room.

What those who have regrets had in common

There is a pattern that has become visible over 16 years in the field. There were three common points among those who were filled with regret.

The first is those who had too strong a belief that "my value equals my role and ability." Earning money, doing housework perfectly, taking care of others. The more people proved their worth through such "things they could do," the more easily they fell into deep self-denial, thinking "I have no value in living anymore" when their physical functions declined.

From the perspective of an occupational therapist, it could be said that they were people who reached old age without being able to acknowledge the value of "just being there (existence itself)."

The second is those who had a strong curse of "I must not be a burden to others." Having a strong sense of independence is wonderful. But humans inevitably age and need the help of others. It was very heartbreaking to see in the field that they could not accept that reality as a natural process of life and had to keep apologizing, saying "I'm sorry," until the very end.

The third is those who have shown affection to their family only through 'actions' rather than 'emotions'. This is common among people like Mr. A, who expressed love by working silently instead of using gentle words. When they enter the end-of-life stage and can no longer show anything through actions, they realize for the first time the weight of what they failed to convey in words.

Overall, I think they were **'people who were not prepared to accept their own weaknesses.'** The more someone constantly stays on guard, trying to remain a strong and useful person, the more a great wave of regret washes over them the moment their body no longer obeys them, as if a tightly stretched string has snapped.

What those who passed away peacefully had in common

On the other hand, there was something common among those who met their end peacefully.

Those who steadily continued doing what they wanted to do. Those who could clearly put their desires into words. Those who would say on a daily basis, 'If I can no longer eat, please don't force me to.'

One person whose hobby was shogi tried to reach for the shogi board while sitting in a reclining bed just a few days before they passed away, even though they could no longer eat at all. That person departed quietly, as if withering away.

The expression 'passing away like withering' feels most fitting to me. Naturally, peacefully, and being true to oneself. In such ends, there was a common presence of 'someone who had lived their own life.'

A way of living that is still in time

Through this experience, as an occupational therapist and as someone living as an HSP, there are three things I want to convey.

The first is to forgive not only the 'self that can do something' but also the 'self that is just there'.

While you are still healthy, you need to practice acknowledging that 'you have value just by existing.' Especially for HSPs, there is a tendency to unconsciously try too hard, thinking, 'I must be useful to others.' I want you to start preparing from this very moment to accept your 'true self' that exists beyond productivity and roles.

The second is to practice 'relying on others'.

Learn to say, 'Could you do this for me?' or 'Can you help me?' honestly, starting with trivial daily matters. Learn to accept help with a 'thank you' instead of an 'I'm sorry.' That leads to a way of life where you can close your eyes at the final moment with a 'thank you' instead of an 'I'm sorry.' This is also a reminder to myself, as someone who is an HSP and struggles to rely on others.

The third is to convey your thoughts in 'words' without holding back.

'I'll say it someday' or 'They should understand because we're family' will not work in the end. The figure of Mr. A, who met his end while still being clumsy and shed a single tear, tells that story painfully well. Please voice your gratitude, love, and apologies the 'very moment' your heart is moved. Because there is no guarantee you will be able to say it tomorrow.

In conclusion

What I saw from the end-of-life care setting is that rather than being a 'strong and perfect human,' being a **'human who acknowledges their own weaknesses, entrusts things to others, and weaves words honestly'** allows one to meet their end much more peacefully.

Even if your abilities decline, even if you have to be cared for by someone else, learn to laugh and accept that as the natural state of being human. Stop acting tough and take off your armor little by little.

I believe that is the 'way of living that is still in time' that the seniors in life at the facility have taught me through their own experiences.

16th year as an Occupational Therapist | Special Nursing Home & Unit Care Staff | Former Dementia Care Instructor | HSP/ISFJ

[Read also] I have also written in detail about the "way of life" I noticed at the end-of-life care site in this article. I hope it serves as a hint for living like yourself until the very end, not just in terms of physical health. 📝 Common points of people who are energetic until the end, as seen by an occupational therapist who has cared for nearly 100 people in a special nursing home

[For those who want to listen] For those who say, "I don't have the energy to read text, but I might be able to engage with it like a radio," I also distribute audio content (podcasts) on YouTube. I would be happy if you could listen to it during housework or while commuting on days when you feel a bit down. 🎧 Kirinoha YouTube Channel

[For those who want to read more deeply] I have compiled my real-life experiences regarding the difficulties of living as an HSP and ways of working without burning out, which I share on note, into a book on Kindle. I have written about ways of thinking for people who wear themselves out by being too considerate of others, so they can protect themselves while remaining kind. 📖 My book "Working without burning out, while remaining kind" (*Available for free if you are registered for Kindle Unlimited)