I Want to Be Someone Who Stays by Your Side, Even If I Am Forgotten: A Record of a Dementia Patient and Their Family

The patient was admitted when their dementia symptoms were still mild. I remember how, upon admission, they politely greeted every single member of the ward staff, saying, "I will be in your care starting today." It seemed to be their first experience being hospitalized, and everything they saw and heard must have been new to them. They would often say with surprise, "I didn't know a hospital would do things like that."

However, by the time three months had passed, the behavioral and psychological symptoms of dementia began to stand out. It became difficult for them to control their emotions, and they grew increasingly irritable. They would walk around the ward saying, "I'm looking for my wife," and even if we had them sit in a chair, they would stand up and start walking again within five minutes. Such days continued. Occasionally, when their wife came to visit, they would press her, saying, "I've been looking for you everywhere! Where have you been? Are you cheating on me?"

At those times, the wife would say sadly, "He used to be such a kind person. Even though I know it's the illness, it makes me so sad." That still stays with me today. I told the wife, "It must be painful to face him like this now, but please come to see him as much as you can while he can still recognize you," offering both encouragement and a request.

By the time half a year had passed, the patient had begun to believe that we nurses were employees of the company they used to run. They would ask us, "How is that work going? The deadline is approaching," or they would talk to themselves as if speaking into a phone facing the wall, saying, "Hello? It's me. We have a meeting tomorrow." When we would reply, "Your work is very demanding, isn't it? Your wife also praised you for being such a hard worker," the patient would always say, "My wife understands me best."

However, even when the wife actually came to visit, the patient could no longer recognize her. Seeing that, I was once again struck by the cruelty of dementia. Even so, I felt that we had to continue our nursing care to protect the patient's peaceful life and to accept the family's grief.

A year later, the patient had almost stopped moving. They would sit still, staring at a single point. They showed no reaction to us, and of course, no reaction to their wife. The wife, too, shed tears in the face of this change. The progression of the dementia was much faster than we had imagined. They required assistance with everything, including meals and using the restroom. The wife quietly asked us, "Is it normal for someone to forget everything so quickly?"

There are many types of dementia, and there is considerable individual variation in the speed of progression. After explaining this to the wife, I said, "Even if you don't try to force him to recognize you as his 'wife,' let's aim for the position of being 'a person who is always by his side and makes him feel safe.'" I also told her that even if recent memories fade, old memories can remain deeply embedded, and I suggested playing music they used to listen to when they were young or looking through old photo albums and keepsakes together. This is because doing so can sometimes help them regain a calm expression or reconnect with memories from that time.

On the day of the next visit, the wife brought an album right away. As they looked through it together, she happily reported to me, "He looked at the photos, even if just for a little bit."

I believe that being forgotten by a partner brings a sense of loneliness and sorrow that cuts to the bone for a spouse. That is precisely why I feel it is necessary for us to help them understand that "this is because of the illness, not because the bond of many years has disappeared," and to support them so they do not blame themselves.

Even if you are forgotten, the time you spent together does not disappear.

That is why, today as well, I want to continue to cherish nursing care that stays close not only to the patient but also to their family.