[Parenting Essay] The Conditions for Becoming a Parent That I, a 'Useless Father,' Realized

Hello, I'm Kiipikumin.
I am a father raising three children. I have an older son and twin daughters.
The twins were born prematurely last year and were hospitalized in the NICU.
Currently, I am on parental leave and living a life centered around childcare with my wife.

In my previous article, I wrote about whether it is truly amazing for a dad to be able to do childcare.

The point was that rather than a difference in ability between men and women, anyone can get involved in childcare if they have the time and flexibility to do so.

You can find my previous article here.

However, at the same time, I also feel there is a difference that cannot be ignored.

That is the difference in how one enters the 'process of becoming a parent'.

For women, the 'preparation to become a parent' begins little by little from the moment they find out they are pregnant.

Their physical condition and daily life change, and after going through the major event of childbirth,
they are inevitably drawn into that process.

Amidst the daily changes, they accumulate time spent 'becoming a parent' bit by bit.


On the other hand, men do not have that.

There are no changes to their own bodies,
and sometimes children are born before the reality has fully sunk in.

I believe this 'difference in how one enters the process' is what appears as the initial gap.

I felt this strongly when my eldest son was born.

At the time, it was during the COVID-19 pandemic, and no hospital visits were allowed after birth.

My wife was hospitalized for a week after giving birth.
During that time, she stayed in the same room as the baby.

Changing diapers, feeding, and bathing.
She was learning directly from the nurses while handling daily care.

As for me, although I had prepared by watching videos on YouTube,
I was in a state where I was scared to even touch or hold the baby.


When I asked my wife about it, she said, 'I wasn't really taught that much.'

Even so, from my perspective,
my wife, who had been involved daily during her hospital stay, looked like someone who 'knew what she was doing.'

Myself, who couldn't do it, and my wife, who looked like she could.
That gap led to me losing my confidence.

The turning point came when the baby was three months old.

My wife fell ill and developed a high fever.
She became unable to do almost any housework or childcare, other than breastfeeding.

As a result, I ended up handling all childcare except for breastfeeding by myself.

I had no choice but to do it.

At first, I was feeling my way through it,
but as I did things one by one, I managed to get the hang of it.

When I actually tried it, it was surprisingly doable.

I think the reason I couldn't do it until then wasn't a matter of ability,
but simply a difference in experience.

And once I could do it, that became my confidence.

Last year, my twin daughters were born.

They were born prematurely at 25 weeks, weighing 700 grams as extremely low birth weight infants.
The twins were hospitalized in the NICU for half a year.

They required care we had never experienced before, such as enemas and medication.

Even so, the situation was very different this time.

During the six months of hospital visits, my wife and I were able to be involved in almost the same way.
We learned the new care routines together.

Furthermore, the fact that I had taken a year of parental leave was a big factor.


And above all,
there was a sense of crisis that 'if I don't do it, things won't work.'

With twins and no support from grandparents,
I felt that if things continued as they were, the household might not function.

Looking back, it wasn't just the time flexibility of parental leave,
but also the situation where I had no choice but to do it.

As a result, I think I was able to stand at the same starting line as my wife.

In my previous article, I thought that 'time flexibility for childcare, such as parental leave' was important.

Reflecting on my own experience this time, I think my understanding of that has become a bit clearer.

It's not just about having time,
but whether there is a situation where you have no choice but to do it.
Whether you can gain experience in that situation.

That difference leads to the gap in what you can do and your level of confidence.

Mothers are inevitably drawn into that process.
On the other hand, fathers can choose 'whether or not to enter' that process.

That is precisely why fathers do not become parents naturally.
They become parents little by little as they get involved.

In this article, I wrote about what I felt while getting involved in childcare as a father.

I have also kept records of my time in the NICU and my days with the twins.

If you'd like, please take a look at my other articles as well.