The Mismatched, Beloved Cupboard

It has already been 15 years since we moved into our current home.

When we moved in, my second son was still unsteady on his feet and just tall enough to bump his head on the corner of the table.
As for my eldest son, he would scramble up the gatepost and jump off, just like a little monkey.
He was a typical brat, the kind I would scold repeatedly, saying, 'What do you think you're doing!'
Back then, our home was always filled with someone's lively voices.

In the dressing room of that home, there is a cupboard where we keep the family's pajamas.
When we first installed it, we set up a logical rule: from top to bottom, in order of height, it was 'Dad, Mom, Eldest Son, Second Son.'
If you took your pajamas from your designated shelf after a bath, you were ready to get dressed.
It was the most efficient and tidy way to do things.

However, 15 years later, how are things now?

Dad, who reigned on the top shelf and was big in every way, seems smaller than he used to be, perhaps because he started exercising and lost weight.
As for me, who occupied the second shelf, I am now the 'smallest' in the family!
(Though I am still tall, at 170cm!)
Every day, I have to reach up and look slightly above me to get my pajamas.

And then there is my second son, who used to scurry around on the bottom shelf and was supposed to be the smallest.
He is now about 15cm taller than me and has grown broader as well.
He has grown into a 'maximum-sized boy' with a baby face that hasn't changed much from when he was little.
Seeing him curl his large body up and use the bottom shelf in such a cramped way is somewhat surreal.
But, somehow, it is endearing.
And the one who has it easiest is my eldest son, who ended up being the middle size between me and my second son.
Though he doesn't seem to accept at all that his younger brother has far surpassed him in height (laughs).

'...We would definitely all have an easier time if we swapped them around.'

I know that everyone in the family thinks that somewhere in their hearts.
But Dad is currently working away from home.
And the children will eventually leave the nest.

When I think of that, for some reason, I don't want to rearrange this cupboard just yet.

I want to keep things as they are for a little longer, even if it is a bit inconvenient for everyone.
That might be my own selfish pride as a parent, but... I know the real reason.

My emotions haven't caught up yet.

Over the last 10 years, so many things have happened, from the children refusing to go to school one after another to my own mental health breaking down.
I have been running desperately to keep up, and I am still 'in the middle of recovery' myself.
I think I vaguely feel that my heart hasn't been tidied up yet.

So, a small request from Mom.
Please, just for a little while longer, let me keep it this way.

Until I can power up a little more.
I want to keep using this 'mismatched' cupboard while remembering the days when my children were small and cute.

Someday, when the day comes that I can truly think, 'Alright, let's tidy up!', I will organize it properly then.
Until then, please bear with me, everyone.

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