Stuttering, Punk, and My Youth

The suffering of the "stutter" that had plagued me for so long strangely faded into the background when I was in high school.

The school I attended was a bit academically lackluster, with a deviation score of around 53.

There were all sorts of people there: gals, ganguro, yamanba, B-boys, people with sagging pants, and so on.

There were plenty of genuine delinquents, but perhaps that diversity was what made me feel at ease.

Even if you didn't listen to the lessons seriously, it wasn't really seen as a problem.

Even if a teacher called on you to answer a question, there was an atmosphere where you could just say, "I wasn't listening" or "I don't know," and that would be accepted.

Unlike my junior high days, when I was terrified of being called on, I think I felt a sense of security somewhere in my heart.

If I studied a little before exams, I could avoid failing, and I was never hounded by make-up exams or reports during those three years.

However, I slacked off so much that my attendance was always on the verge of being insufficient.

I faced the crisis of being held back or not graduating many times.

■ My lightning-strike encounter with GOING STEADY

For me at the time, my whole life was "soccer."

Everything else was irrelevant.

One day, while living that kind of life, I encountered the music of GOING STEADY.

"What is this? It's just like The Blue Hearts!"

It was a shock that struck me right in the heart.

It was truly like being struck by lightning.

A friend told me, "This is a genre called indie, and they sell it at Tower Records and Disk Union."

From then on, I became completely immersed in the world of indie music, including punk, melodic hardcore, hardcore, and ska.

I also started going to live music clubs.

There, friends who, like me, carried feelings of being on the verge of exploding or going mad in their daily lives had gathered.

We raised our fists to the loud music, danced, and repeatedly moshed and dove.

It was an incredibly fun time.

I still cannot forget the live concert where, back when GOING STEADY wasn't that famous yet, about 200 people gathered at Shinjuku LOFT and we all sang along as if screaming.

I would go stay over at friends' houses, and my new world kept expanding.

I had the feeling that the world was opening up little by little.

Of course, there were times when I felt nervous and had unpleasant experiences ordering a 'cola' at the live house because of my stutter, but the music supported me more than that.

■ Love, Phone Calls, and the 'Despair' Interview

I also experienced romance.

I went on double dates, and went to Disneyland or cherry blossom viewing with girls.

My first date, my first girlfriend.

When I was a third-year high school student, talking on the phone became popular.

At first, I resisted, thinking, 'I don't want to because I have a stutter,' but strangely enough, I was able to talk little by little with people I could trust.

Therefore, my high school friends do not know that I have a stutter.

However, I hit a major wall during the entrance exam for the vocational school I was about to graduate from.

Although I challenged the interview with the dream of becoming a hairdresser, the words for my own name and school name would not come out.

While the vocational school had a standard of 'within 10 absences in 3 years,' my number of absences was 90.

With my stutter added to that, the interviewer coldly dismissed me, saying, 'That's enough, sit down.'

The sense of despair at that time is indescribable.

Even so, I desperately fought back.

I am the type of person who gives everything I do my all. I put in more effort into soccer than anyone else, and I cannot lie about what I love. I entered high school just to play soccer, so I had many absences, but I am serious about becoming a hairdresser. I don't want to betray my own feelings, so I will give it my all.

Perhaps because that sentiment reached them, I was accepted into one school, and I somehow managed to advance to beauty school.

■ Days so desperate I considered learning sign language

However, at that beauty school, I would go on to have one of the three most painful experiences of my life.

If I can't speak well, maybe I should just stop speaking altogether and learn sign language.

I was so cornered that I seriously considered that.

Because of my stutter, I was misunderstood; even when I was being serious, I was seen as rebellious, and I was called names like 'super pure creepy guy' by people without a heart.

I hated, absolutely hated, having to speak.

I really want to talk. I want to communicate.

While holding onto that wish, I wondered if it would be disrespectful for someone who can speak to use sign language, which is for those who are hearing impaired.

I struggled with that, and I never ended up studying the sign language book I had bought.

How should I live?

How can I avoid being misunderstood?

From high school until I was about 21, I lived constantly worrying, suffering, and holding onto emotions that felt like they were about to explode.

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Time sale in progress

Time sale in progress

Time sale in progress

Time sale in progress

Time sale in progress