Where the Heart Resides | The Place Where I Felt 'It's Okay to Be Loved'

*This article is an entry for the #ChibiCreativeAward.
I wrote this based on Kakerun-san's theme, #WhereTheHeartResides.

Where the Heart Resides

Even though they are someone I love dearly, for some reason, I find myself needing to confirm it over and over.

I only wanted to feel secure, but before I knew it, I had cornered the other person.

Today, I will write about the "where the heart resides" that existed within such misunderstandings.

*This article is a work of fiction, reconstructed based on multiple consultations while giving full consideration to confidentiality. It is not a specific real-life case.

"Doctor, I've done it again."

She smiled, looking a little troubled.

Until a little while ago, she was...
someone who often swallowed her own feelings.

"I don't want to be disliked."

"I don't want to be a burden."

Driven by such thoughts, she always prioritized the other person.

But recently...
she had become able to express her feelings in words, little by little.

Then, one day.

She said that her boyfriend, whom she is dating, told her he was thinking about marriage.

Furthermore, from his close friend, she heard,

"He said you're the first person he's ever wanted to marry."

She heard such things.

In truth, this is an event that should have made her feel secure.

However, that night, she asked him many questions.

"Thank you."

"What parts of me do you like?"

"Why did you want to marry me?"

"Specifically, what are you thinking?"

It wasn't that she wanted to doubt his feelings.

It was just that because she was happy, she wanted to know.

I think she just wanted to feel secure.

But he, not being good with words, couldn't answer well.

Every time he stumbled over his words, a sense of unease grew deep within her chest.

"The fact that he can't answer might mean he's actually having doubts."

Once that thought surfaced, she couldn't stop it.

And she ended up interpreting it this way.

"He's struggling to find an answer."

"He must find the atmosphere here painful, too."

"If that's the case, maybe I should just go home."

Thinking that, she urged him to leave.

Rather than saying something back, he chose to leave the scene.

It wasn't so much anger as it was,

"I'm showing you how I feel through my actions, so why doesn't it get through?"

It might have been a feeling closer to resignation.

Of course, that is just one impression I received while listening to the story.

There are parts of what actually happened between the two of them that only he can know.

But at the very least, in that moment, there was,

a woman who wanted to be sure,

and a man who no longer knew how to convey his feelings so that they would reach her,

and I felt as though there had been a misunderstanding between them.

That same day, she hurriedly sent him a LINE message.

I'm sorry. I really want to see you. I'm coming over there now.

However, that day, he chose not to meet her.

The words he said to her the next day were,

I thought you were being a little selfish.

The moment she heard those words, her heart suddenly turned cold.

I think she felt not just criticized, but as if her very self had been denied.

It's the first time anyone has ever said that to me.

Is it because I've started expressing my own opinions lately?

Should I really try to fix my personality?

And then she said, quite firmly,

He lacks confidence in marriage.

While listening to her, I was thinking something a little different.

I asked quietly.

What do you think it means to be confident about marriage?

She thought for a moment.

Well, let me see.

I continued.

Neither of you has ever been married before, have you?

At that moment, her expression changed to one of realization.

Then she smiled, looking a bit embarrassed.

I don't have any confidence either.

After that, we sorted through things together a little more.

What about his attitude and actions, rather than his words?

He treats me with care as his girlfriend. He values me, including my family.

Then, can you trust those actions?

Yes. When I think about his actions, I can trust him.

...

You wanted to confirm it with words, too, didn't you?

She gave a small nod.

I think she wanted to feel secure.

She wanted to know his true feelings.

But what she really wanted to confirm was,

Is it okay for me to be loved?

Perhaps that was the answer.

I asked further.

Then, who is it that lacks confidence in themselves?

A brief silence followed.

And then, she suddenly burst into laughter.

It's me, isn't it.

We both laughed.

If it had been the her from a little while ago, she might have felt accused by this question.

I was told it was my fault.

She might have taken it that way and left it at that.

But that day was different.

What she was truly feeling.

What she was afraid of.

What she wanted to confirm.

She had become able to listen to her own heart.

The strength to accept her own feelings herself.

The strength to look at herself from a little distance.

That strength had been growing little by little.

And so, this question was not a word of blame,

but became a gateway to understanding herself.

When people feel anxious, they sometimes perceive what is inside their own hearts as the feelings of others.

That day, what she was looking for,

I believe, was not just his answer.

"It's okay for me to be loved."

She was searching for that reassurance within his words.

However, the place where the heart can return to,

might not exist only within someone else's answer.

It is a place where you listen to your own feelings,

and where you can welcome even the anxious you,

and the you who couldn't do things well,

with peace of mind.

There,

the heart quietly returns.

That's all for today 💗

If reading this has created even a little time for you to pause and reflect on your own heart, I would be happy 😌💞

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