To You Who Are Simply Having a Hard Time: An Event from 30 Years Ago and the 'White Bones' Letter

When one contemplates the fleeting nature of human life,
how transient it is, from the beginning to the end of this world,
a life that is like an illusion.

Therefore, we have never heard of anyone who has lived for ten thousand years,
and a lifetime passes so quickly.

For me, having been raised in a Jodo Shinshu household,
the words of the 'White Bones' letter were familiar to my ears from a very young age.

That specific melody, repeated at every memorial service.

'By tomorrow, the two eyes will suddenly vanish, and only white bones will remain...'

People will eventually become nothing but bones.

I have been told such an obvious fact since I was a child.

However, now that I have become an adult and passed through many life events,
those words are not just a teaching,
but remain in my heart as a stark truth.

There is an event in my memory that I simply cannot erase.

It was about 30 years ago.
It was when I was in the middle of raising my children.

My father's older brother's daughter—
my cousin—invited me to join a certain religion.

'I was told that if I didn't join, my child would die.'

She said that with a desperate look on her face.

I thought it was superstition.
But as a parent myself,
I could at least understand the fear of potentially losing a child.

My aunt, who was deeply religious, also came to me in tears.

And so, I made time,
and was taken to the place they believed in.

My aunt paid a 100,000 yen initiation fee,
and I was given an amulet to wear around my neck.

Against my wishes, I joined that religion.

It was shortly after that.

My father passed away.
He was 62 years old.

My father, who had been picking up my grandchild from nursery school until just yesterday.
My father, who used to come home with a smile.

That father of mine suddenly disappeared.

Even though I knew it was just a superstition,
I couldn't help but think.

Perhaps,
my father had become a scapegoat.

My father's death was so sudden,
that I couldn't help but think that way.

Time passed since then,
and the time came for my father's older brother—my uncle, who was the father of the cousin who had invited me to the religion back then—to pass away.

My uncle had been in a nursing home for about ten years.

Hearing that his end was near, I visited him many times.

However, his daughter, my cousin, did not return while my uncle was still alive.

There was no funeral either.

There was no bedside sutra reading, he was left as he was for over a day, and
I wasn't even allowed to offer incense.

At the time, I kept wondering why they wouldn't call a priest right away,
and I thought about it constantly.

I just wanted them to read the bedside sutra quickly,
and to light incense for my uncle.

That was all I wanted.

Yet, only time kept passing by.

Why could my cousin, his daughter,
be so calm in such a situation?

I remember harboring
feelings that were like anger.

The next day, he was simply burned at the crematorium.

No priest came.

Only the voice of the attendant saying 'Gassho' echoed quietly.

Note: According to local custom, we were told not to light incense until the pillow sutra had been recited.
Because of this, even we, his close relatives, could not offer incense to my uncle.

There was also a tradition that one travels to the afterlife (the Pure Land) on the smoke of incense,
and it was said that once the incense was lit, the flame must not be allowed to go out until the funeral was over.

That is why I believe the order of first reciting the pillow sutra to prepare the space before the Buddha,
and then formally pressing one's hands together in prayer, was considered so important.

For me, someone who thought I had faced death with sincerity,
I simply could not bear my uncle's final moments.

It felt as though the life of my beloved uncle
was ending in such a pathetic way at the very end.

Frustrated and sad, I cried out.

And from that moment on, I came to dislike my cousin.

Right before he died...
How could she be so cold?

I could not understand it.

Now, I think to myself: If I were to die,
it doesn't have to be a grand funeral.

Even if it's just playing a sutra on YouTube,
if someone quietly presses their hands together for me,
perhaps that would be enough.

Perhaps my uncle, too,
did not think of that quiet end
as something unpleasant.

Even so, at the time,
I desperately wanted to have a sutra recited for my uncle.

I explained the situation to the temple priest,
and had him recite a sutra for my uncle.

I learned later.

My aunt, too,
for the sake of her younger brother, my uncle,
had asked the temple priest in the same way,
and had a sutra recited.

We
were doing the same thing.

After that, I had a dream.

I feel like it might have been my uncle.
Or perhaps, it might have been my father.

Now, I can no longer remember clearly.

However, that person
had a very happy look on their face.

That expression alone is something
I remember even now, for some reason.

When I think about the pathos of human life,
there are words that come to my mind.

They are from the 'Gomonsho of White Bones',
which I have heard many times since I was a child
at Jodo Shinshu memorial services.

'Alas, the impermanence of human life is...'

No matter how much a person worries, gets angry, prays, or
loves someone while living,

in the end, everyone
becomes white bones.

The desire to live with all one's might, and
the feeling of helplessness.

Even though we live by connecting every minute and second,
everything slips away like sand.

I believe that is surely
what 'impermanence' means.

I lay down my pen.

Anakashiko, anakashiko.

Anakashiko is
a phrase used in old letters as a closing,
and it is said to carry the prayer of
'May you be safe and sound.'

To you who are just spending time in pain.
Even so, I hope that you will continue to live.

I quietly add
that prayer.

Afterword

My cousin also
seems to be concerned about our aunt after all.

I heard that she comes to check on our aunt,
who is turning one hundred years old, from time to time.

Life has many different events,
and perhaps people's feelings also change with time.

When our aunt passes away,
I do not know if we nieces will be notified.

If I receive word,
and I happen to see my cousins,

at that time,
I hope we can all see them off peacefully.

*The 'White Bones' Epistle (Hakkotsu-sho) mentioned in the article is here.

It is an epistle by Rennyo Shonin,
often read at Jodo Shinshu funerals and memorial services.

If you are interested,
please take a moment to listen to it in a quiet time.

Recommended reading

I wrote this article
while I was thinking about human loneliness.

If you would like,
I would be happy if you could read this article as well.

▶︎
When feeling lonely, perhaps people become unable to cherish themselves

#Loneliness
#Living
#Heart
#HumanPathos
#Psychology
#WhiteBonesEpistle
#JodoShinshu