[3-Minute Read] When You Can Gently Lower the Hand That Blames Yourself—The Beginning of Well-being for Me

Well-being: A Keyword for Thinking About Happiness and Prosperity

When something happens,
what if the first thought that comes to mind is, "It was my fault"...

Many people might associate the word well-being with
a state of being calm and fulfilled, or
days spent feeling positive.

However, for me, well-being is not
a "good mood" from the start, or
"the feeling that everything is going well" itself.

Things I have encountered many times in counseling sessions

In counseling sessions,
I meet people with various backgrounds,
such as adjustment disorders, depression, or school refusal.

Even if the situations or diagnoses differ,
what many people have in common is
a mental movement of **"no matter what happens, I blame myself first."**

More than the event itself,

"It was my fault"
"I couldn't do it properly"
"I did the same thing again"

Because of such inner words,
the suffering multiplies many times over.

I have seen such states
many times during counseling.

The mechanism of suffering taught by the "Two Arrows"

In Buddhism, there is a parable called the "Two Arrows."

The first arrow is the events and pain that are unavoidable in life.
And the suffering created by continuing to blame yourself for that event,
saying "It was my fault" or "I couldn't do it properly,"
is expressed as the "second arrow."

The first arrow is unavoidable for anyone.
But the second arrow is something
we may end up shooting at ourselves without even realizing it.

What I often encounter in counseling sessions is
a state where the suffering has multiplied many times over
due to this "second arrow,"
rather than the event itself.

Starting by building a relationship where you can talk with peace of mind

In counseling,
I never start by saying, "Let's change the way you think."

What I value first is
building a relationship where you can talk with peace of mind.

While looking back on the events that occurred together,

・What kind of feelings were moving within you at that time?
・What kind of words were floating through your mind?

We will check these things carefully, without rushing.

And then,

• what actually happened

• the thoughts that naturally arose from that

• the parts that turned into words of self-blame

We will look at these by separating them little by little.

“Was that a fact, or was it a harsh judgment directed at yourself?”
While repeating such questions,

we will also share in understandable terms that when people are placed in difficult situations, they inevitably tend to blame themselves, and that this is a natural reaction of the heart.

The moment of “realizing” you are blaming yourself

In the midst of repeating these exchanges, there are times when words like these emerge.

“I... have been suffering much more by blaming myself than by the event that actually occurred.”

At that moment, not everything is solved.

It does not mean you can immediately become positive, nor does it mean your worries will disappear.

However, from there, change begins to emerge little by little.

• Becoming able to realize when you are blaming yourself

• Becoming able to feel it is okay to use help when things are tough

• Becoming able to feel that you can choose for yourself “what to do”

In this way, little by little, the sense of “being able to trust yourself” grows.

Every time I witness such changes, I feel a sense of quiet fulfillment deep in my chest.

When I feel well-being

For me, well-being is not about
when someone has "become strong" or
when they have "become perfectly positive."

• When I could believe in my own strength a little

• When I could feel that I have help available

• And when I could realize that I am allowed to make my own choices

It is when I am by someone's side at the moment
these three sensations come together.

Rather than adding something new,
it feels like being shown the moment
when they were able to gently lower the hand that had been hurting them.

Well-being is not a special state

I believe that well-being is
not about always being happy,
nor is it about not feeling any suffering.

When you suddenly notice that you are blaming yourself.
When you feel that it might be okay to use help.
And when you feel that you are allowed to choose for yourself.

In such small moments,
well-being certainly resides.

That is something
I have been taught many times
in the counseling setting.

In closing

I personally perceive the word well-being
as "something that emerges as a result of security growing."

Regarding this theme of "security,"
I have written about it from several different perspectives before.

・What is happening in your heart when you cannot feel secure
・Why you cannot feel secure even when told "it's okay"
・The small changes that happen within a person when security grows

None of these are articles meant to teach the correct answer,
but rather to "help you understand yourself a little better right now."

If you would like,
please try reading the one that feels closest to your current feelings.

Thank you very much for reading this far.

If you'd like, I would be happy if you could share in the comments what you felt while reading this article, or what came to mind when you heard the word "peace of mind"🌸
It's okay if you can't put it into words well✨

Even if you can't put it into words well, it's okay✨

Update (1/14):

Right now, I am writing a bit more carefully about the theme of "why people react so strongly to the words and actions of others," based on a specific episode.
You don't have to try to change.
You don't have to try to be positive.
Just quietly observe the moments when your heart is moved—

I plan to publish an article like that on the evening of Friday, 1/16.

I plan to publish an article like that on the evening of Friday, 1/16.I plan to publish an article like that on the evening of Friday, 1/16.

#WellbeingTime
#PeaceOfMind
#Counseling
#Psychology
#MentalCare
#SelfUnderstanding