Episode 4: Feeling Lonely Even When Together—A Couple with ASD and Attachment Disorder

*This story is a work of fiction. However, it is inspired by actual emotional struggles and experiences.

Episode 4: "Small Happiness and Growing Anxiety"

We became a couple, and the time we spent together at the university library and cafes began to increase.

As always, he spoke enthusiastically about his interests like an expert. The origins of the universe, the laws of physics, historical events. His stories opened up new worlds for me. I became increasingly drawn to his thirst for knowledge and his way of living that valued facts over emotions.

Our meals together were always the same. We always went to the same cafe for lunch, sat in the same seats, and ordered the same menu. Even when I asked him, "Shall we try something different today?" he would just answer "Yeah" and sit in our usual seats.

When I said with a smile, "This is delicious," he would reply, "Yeah. Everything tastes good," a response that was slightly out of sync with my feelings.

He was always reading three books at once. Books on statistics, mathematics, and history. He would happily explain that all the events in the world could be expressed through calculus. They were all difficult books for me, but he read through them happily, as if he were solving a puzzle. He looked like a young boy.

On the other hand, I tried various things to deepen our relationship, matching his interests. I even watched romance movies that I recommended with him, even though he disliked horror or supernatural stories. While he held my hand next to me, he soon began to breathe rhythmically in his sleep. I gently rested his head on my shoulder.

Whether he noticed my efforts or not, he didn't say anything in particular.

"This book looks interesting."

When I said that and pointed to the book he was reading, he just answered, "Yeah." To me, that word felt like proof that he acknowledged my existence.

He never expressed his affection in words, but he showed it through his actions.

When I caught a cold and was bedridden, he came to my house and silently read his textbooks. He never asked me, "Are you okay?" but he stayed by my side the whole time I was sleeping in bed.

One rainy day, when I asked him, "Hey, do you love me?" he thought for a moment and just answered, "Yeah."

His words were always short and not the emotional answer I was looking for. Even so, I believed that he loved me. I believed that understanding this unspoken love was the only way to be by his side.

However, deep in my heart, I felt a small seed of anxiety growing.

It was an uncontrollable emotion that could not be explained by logic, like the laws of physics he talked about.

The more I tried to find comfort in his words, the more I felt like I was suppressing my own emotions.

I had a vague fear within me that this peaceful time might one day crumble. It was a sad premonition, like knowing that the stars shining in the night sky would one day burn out.

Click here for Episode 5👇

#Fiction
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#ASD
#AttachmentDisorder
#CassandraSyndrome
#Romance
#Couple
#Loneliness
#Misunderstanding