Self-Denial and Fertility Treatment | To the 'Me' Who Was Anxious, Wondering 'Is It Okay for Someone Like Me to Become a Mother?'

～To you, who are trying your best but feeling overwhelmed～

I want to meet my child.

I have always had a strong interest in
the relationship between mother and child.

I lost my biological mother early, separated from my biological father, and
also struggled with my relationship with my adoptive parents.

That is precisely why
"if I have a child, I want to raise them with care"
"I want to do my absolute best at parenting"

I felt that way very strongly.

・I want to make them a child who feels secure
・I want to make them a happy child
・I don't want them to suffer like I did

That is what I thought.

But on the other hand, my anxiety was also strong.

At the same time,
is it okay for someone like me to become a mother?

I always had that anxiety as well.

My mother passed away in her 30s.

So, somewhere deep down,
I thought I might have a short life too.

Later on, I found that
there were several people who lost a parent in childhood
who harbored anxiety about whether they would live to the age their parent died.

If I died young like my parent,
the child would be pitiful.

Another thing was,

could I, who didn't receive proper love,
raise a child with love?

And,
would I end up doing the same things as my mother (biological mother, adoptive mother)?
I had that fear as well.

In other words, I

wanted a child
but lacked the confidence to become a mother

I had been carrying that contradiction for a long time.

My body was also constantly tense.

Moreover, I had

atopic dermatitis
and polycystic ovary syndrome (PCOS)

and was not ovulating properly.

Thinking back now,
I believe my sympathetic nervous system was always dominant.

At work and at home,

I was always anxious.
Always tense.
Always thinking, 'I have to do things right.'

Both my body and mind
were always on high alert.

In that state, I insisted on a natural pregnancy
and worked on improving my constitution and sensitivity to cold.

I insisted on a natural pregnancy no matter what.
That was because I wanted to believe in my own body
as a 'body capable of pregnancy.'

(Now, I wonder why I was so insistent.
I think I didn't have to go that far.)

In that state, the me back then
only knew how to 'try my best.'

During my fertility treatment, I attended a seminar,
and there was something the lecturer said to me there.

"You are the one I'm most worried about." That was what they said.

Those words
had been stuck in my heart for a long time.

I took them to mean, "
I guess I really can't get pregnant after all". That is how I interpreted it.

That's why,

"It's okay"
"I can get pregnant"

Even when I tried to think that way, the thought "I can't" would cross my mind, so I had to stubbornly force myself to believe it, as if I were casting a spell on myself.

Looking back now, I realize I was constantly pushing myself too hard.

I think fertility treatment doesn't just shake your body, it
deeply shakes your heart as well.

・Comparing yourself to others
・Feeling impatient for results
・Getting your hopes up and then feeling let down
・Wondering, "Why me?"

And before you know it, you end up
continuously blaming yourself for not being able to do it.

But what I think now is that
I was doing enough.

Even when I was anxious,
even when I was scared,
even when my body felt exhausted,

I was still trying to look forward

So, in truth, perhaps what I needed before blaming myself was to hear, "
You've been working so hard all this time".

I started, little by little, to "cherish myself."

My husband, who said he would cooperate, but didn't really cooperate.
(I couldn't feel that he was cooperating)

When I felt exhausted by that too,

I decided, I'll stop thinking about it.

Right now, my condition after stopping steroids (atopic dermatitis improvement) is severe, so
I will heal this first.
I decided to focus on this.

I decided to improve my physical constitution first.

Diet.
Warming the body. (Thoroughly)
Sleep.
Lifestyle habits.
And various other things.

And little by little,
"treating myself with care"
"believing in my own capabilities"

I began to do these things.

If I could conceive naturally,
I could believe in myself and my body.
I might gain confidence in myself. That's what I thought.

That was
not just for the sake of getting pregnant,

I wanted to stop tormenting myself
I feel like it was closer to that kind of sensation.

And then, I relaxed a little

At one point, I suddenly thought.

"I guess it's fine now"

If I can't have children,
then I'll enjoy life as it is.

If I really want to raise a child,
there is also the option of foster care.

Until the age time limit,
I will do my best with natural fertility treatment

And above all,
I will cherish my own body

When I was able to think that way, strangely enough

my feelings became lighter.

Around that time, I became pregnant

It might be ironic.

Butwhen I finally let my guard down, I was able to get pregnant.

Even now, I still think this pregnancy was a miracle.

The reasons are that
I was at an age considered advanced maternal age.
My husband wasn't very cooperative.
My parents were in poor health, and
the stress of providing long-distance care for them.

I was also working, so
I think I was under a lot of chronic stress.

And,
there are many medical factors involved in pregnancy.

As a nurse, I believe I understand that aspect.

So,
getting pregnant just by wanting it
is not what I mean to say.

But I think
I had been keeping my body in a state of tension for a long time.

And,
'I'm not good enough'was something I had been carrying with me all along.

While denying myself,
I was attempting the reckless challenge of 'believing in myself'.

It wasn't just about fertility treatment

What I think now is,
I believe this wasn't just about fertility treatment.

When self-denial is strong,
' I am not allowed to be happy '

a feeling like that remains somewhere inside.

So,even though I want it, I cannot receive it.

But in truth,

it is okay to feel at ease
it is okay to be happy

Perhaps it was necessary for me to
teach my body that little by little.

Finally

If right now,

fertility treatment is painful
you are blaming yourself
you are comparing yourself to others

if you are in that state,

please,I hope you don't blame yourself too much.

Because up until now,
you must have tried your very best.

Even if you are anxious,
even if you are in pain,
even if you are scared,

you have still tried to keep moving forward

So first of all,
'I'm still not trying hard enough'

instead of that,
'You've done enough up until now'

by doing that,
I want you to be just a little kinder to yourself.

Because your body
has always been trying to protect you.

Click here for my self-introduction article👇