[Parenting] "Piano Practice" and "Adlerian Psychology" are a Great Match

When children learn to play the piano,
a problem that almost inevitably arises is
the battle between "You're not practicing" and "Go practice."

My three children have been learning piano since they were four years old.
Since you can't improve at the piano without practicing,

practicing at home is essential.
At first, they enjoy being able to play the piano,
so they work hard at it, but
they are children, after all,
so there are things they find more fun or want to do more than practice...

And so, they gradually stop practicing.
If they don't practice, they won't improve.
As a parent paying for lessons, I start to get frustrated.

Also, when they are practicing but making mistakes...

If I point it out, saying, "Oh, isn't that note an E, not a C?"
my children respond in these ways:

1. The child who gets angry, saying, "I know! Don't tell me, Mom!"
2. The child who is stubborn, saying, "No! It's an E!"
3. The child who gets in a bad mood and silently walks away from the piano.

They resist my feedback in these three different ways.
(But I'm sure it's an E...)

Because of this, I have fought countless battles with my children over piano practice (sob).

Around that time, I encountered Adlerian psychology for parenting.
And that way of thinking was very helpful in the relationship between the parent and the child facing piano practice.

I hope this will be of some help to those facing the "piano practice" problem.

Adlerian psychology proposes two goals each for the behavioral and psychological aspects. (Details are in the article above ↑)

Behavioral goals for parenting

1. To be self-reliant.

2. To live in harmony with society.

Psychological goals for parenting

1. I have the ability.

2. People are my companions.

And to achieve those goals, there is a concept called
"separation of tasks."

Separation of tasksis the process of
categorizing (separating) tasks
by thinking about how to approach and solve a problem (task) and
who will ultimately bear the consequences.
Separating tasksis the work of doing this.

For example, whether or not a child practices the piano they are learning is
the child's task. If they don't practice and don't improve, or if the piano teacher points out, "You made a mistake there," or (if the teacher is a bit strict) they get scolded for not practicing,
the consequences fall on the child

. (Thinking about it this way, schoolwork and homework are also the child's tasks.)

When a parent says, "Go practice the piano!" or "That note is wrong!",

the parent is interfering in the child's task.

What happens when a parent interferes in a child's task?

・They lose confidence
(Being nagged by a parent doesn't exactly build confidence. It moves in the opposite direction of the parenting goal of "I am capable"...)

・They become dependent
(They stop practicing unless told by a parent. They stop noticing their own mistakes.)

・They become rebellious
(Example 2 of pointing out my own child's mistake: the child who stubbornly insists, "No! It's right, it's an E!" is exactly this.)

・They blame others for failures
(Saying things like, "I made a mistake because Mom didn't teach me!" and blaming others...)

・The parent becomes busy
(If they don't practice unless told, you have to tell them every time → that's tough...)

Because parents have lived longer than their children, they can imagine many things that will happen in the future. That's why we tend to get ahead of ourselves and want to interfere (Yes! That's me!). But that doesn't help the child learn to solve their own problems (tasks) on their own. Being able to solve one's own tasks is linked to "independence," one of the goals of parenting. Even if a parent doesn't interfere and the child fails, there is still something to be learned from that failure.

When there is a problem,
it is important to stop and think, "Whose task is this?".

I tend to want to interfere, so I'm really glad I know this way of thinking. Piano practice is almost entirely a "child's task." Other things like homework, studying, friendships, and clothing are also mostly "child's tasks," and you cannot easily interfere. By the way, the anxiety of "Won't they fail to improve if they don't practice?" is apparently

a "parent's task."

. "If they keep playing it wrong, won't they fail the test again?" "If they don't practice the recital piece, won't they fail to be ready by the day? Won't my child be embarrassed?" "Won't they get scolded by the teacher?" These anxieties are

anxiety felt by the parent = a "parent's task" that the parent must overcome.

**

Having said that!

There are times when I want to speak up. Isn't it too much not to practice? Are we going to keep taking lessons even though I'm paying high tuition? Even though it's "separation of tasks," it doesn't mean you should separate and completely abandon or ignore them. In such cases, you can turn the "child's task" into


a "joint task" for parent and child



.

For example, when a child doesn't practice the piano no matter how much time passes. First,


the prerequisite is to be conscious that "whether or not to practice the piano is the child's task!" (If this awareness fades, you'll end up saying, "Go practice!"...) With that in mind, try asking the child.

'I feel like you haven't been practicing the piano much lately, what do you think about that?'

If the child says,
'I know I need to do it,'
then I ask,
'By the way, when during the day are you thinking of doing it?'
or
'There's a week until your lesson, how many times are you thinking of practicing?' I ask for their own thoughts.

'I'm thinking of doing it after I finish my homework,'
if they say that, I acknowledge it by saying,
'Oh, I see! That sounds good!'

and ◎ if they manage to do it after their homework as they declared, I say things like,
'You practiced the piano!'
'You've gotten better!'
'You really do get much better when you practice!'
and acknowledge what they achieved and encourage them (giving feedback that acknowledges appropriate behavior).

△ When they said they would 'do it' but didn't, I keep in mind strongly here too that 'piano practice is the child's task!' (←
otherwise, I'd want to get angry and say, 'You said you'd do it yourself, so why aren't you doing it!!'…)

'You said you'd do it after your homework, but you didn't,'
'What do you think?'
I ask for their thoughts again. (Not to blame them, but strictly with a consultative attitude)

'I really did intend to do it...'
if the child says that, I think together with them,
'Then, what do you think you could do to make it happen tomorrow?'
or ask, 'Is there anything I can help you with?' ↑ This is the point where you turn a parent-child task into a 'shared task'.

☆ If the child asks, 'If I haven't practiced by 6 o'clock, please remind me,'
only then does 'piano practice' become a shared task, and it becomes okay to remind them. (However, only within the scope requested by the child. It doesn't mean you can say anything.)

★ If they say, 'Help? Not really,'
then it does not become a shared task. I offer encouraging words like, 'I see, it's amazing that you're able to think for yourself about how to get your piano practice done!' and from the next day on, I go back to watching over them.

**

Having said that!! (← 2nd time)

There is no way it goes by the textbook every time (lol)

How many battles have we had over piano practice... I learned about Adlerian Psychology, was moved by the idea that this is useful, and put it into practice,

There were days when I could properly watch over them without interfering in the child's task, and there were many days when I interfered way too much and ended up in a quagmire with my child (self-reflection).

Even so, my three children still love the piano, and whenever they have free time, someone is playing the piano. (Practice:Favorite songs = about 3:7)
I can't compare them to the fierce competitors who enter contests, but my eldest son Nik-kun, who is in his third year of junior high, played Chopin's Fantaisie-Impromptu in his sixth year of elementary school and became skilled enough to be chosen by audition to accompany the graduation ceremony. (↑ I, who learned piano loosely until high school, was long ago surpassed. lol)

Now, he has taken a break from lessons, and in between studying, he plays popular songs he likes or enjoys playing the church organ accompaniment.

My second son, Haku-kun, who is in his sixth year of elementary school, had a period where he couldn't go to school, but the piano was a support for him during that time. He has memorized the songs he plays repeatedly, such as Ryuichi Sakamoto's 'Merry Christmas Mr. Lawrence,' Ghibli songs, and Mario music, and he plays them happily anytime, anywhere. (It seems his dream is to play on a street piano.)

My youngest daughter, Kun-chan, who is in her third year of elementary school, recently started Burgmüller, and since she can now play pieces around the level of completing Beyer, she plays the songs she likes in the way she likes, and (with practice being secondary) the time she spends at the piano has increased. (Once you reach the point where you can play the songs you like, the piano becomes even more fun♪)

When I'm preparing dinner while listening to my children's live piano performances, I feel happy, thinking, 'Ah, I'm glad they came to love the piano.'

If I hadn't known about the "separation of tasks,"
I might have interfered more with my child's piano practice,
and my child might have come to hate the piano.

It's not that I didn't interfere at all and was always able to handle things perfectly.
However, even when I do speak to them,

instead of saying, "Go practice!"

I ask things like, "Oh, Kun-chan, did you do your piano?"
"What time are you planning to do your piano?"

That is how I ask.
Because I had the awareness that "piano practice is the child's task!" I think my approach became one of asking questions and consulting rather than giving orders.
(I use similar phrasing for homework and studying. ← Or rather, basically, I don't say anything at all.)

**

If a professional in Adlerian psychology were to see this,
they might think, "No, that's a bit different!"
but I wanted to share what has been very helpful to me, at least,
in raising my three children who are learning the piano.

I would be happy if even one more child comes to love the piano
and one more parent feels happy listening to their child play.