Easy Parenting (9) Stop Getting Angry! 3 Steps of the "Love Pattern" to Make Children Well-Behaved

Introduction

The "Love Pattern" is a technique from a coaching method that was popular a while ago.

In "Easy Parenting (2)," I introduced "magic phrases," but what I am introducing this time is a more fundamental "form for scolding."

Anyone can practice this easily and effortlessly. As for the effectiveness... rather than that, by practicing this, I realized that until now, my child had been getting scolded without even knowing why, and I deeply reflected on that. In my case, that might have been the biggest takeaway.
Actually, checking the child's situation before scolding is a method often recommended in the fields of parenting and coaching.

The method is simple. Just follow the pattern (form). When your child does something wrong, hold back your urge to scold them for a moment and start by confirming what they did.

"What did you just do?"

The first step is to confirm the situation.
For example, when they pick up dropped food with their hands and eat it. Before yelling "Hey!", first ask.

"What did you just do?"
"...I don't know."

Surprisingly, the answer "I don't know" often comes back. This is proof that the parent hasn't properly taught them what is wrong and what is right. Or, it could mean that even if you have taught them, it hasn't taken root yet, meaning the teaching is insufficient.
In such cases, instead of getting angry suddenly, teach them properly. If you repeat this a few times, they will be able to answer.

"What did you just do?"
"...I ate something I dropped."

By the way, even if the child apologizes by saying "I'm sorry" at this stage, it is said that you should set that aside for a moment and confirm what they did. Fact-checking takes precedence over an apology.

"Why is that not allowed?"

Once you have made them aware of what they did, it is time for the next step. Make them state the reason why it is not allowed.

"Why are you not allowed to eat that?"
"...I don't know."

Surprisingly, at first, they cannot answer at all. In other words, until now, the child was just apologizing because they were scolded, without even knowing the reason.

When they cannot answer, the parent must explain it in a way the child can understand. This is also surprisingly difficult, but this is the most important point.

"If you drop it, it gets dirty, right? If you eat something dirty, you might get sick. Do you understand?"
"Yeah."

If you explain it a few times, they will be able to answer from the next time on.

"Why are you not allowed to eat that?"
"Um, because if I eat something that fell, I might die."
"Yeah, that's right. Even if you don't die, you might get sick, right?"

By making them understand the reason, the child will start to think for themselves.

Talk about something unrelated

The final step is to switch gears.
Once the confirmation and explanation are finished, talk about something unrelated to divert the conversation, and that's it. This is also an important point. Make sure not to drag out the lecture indefinitely.

Conclusion

Since I started practicing this "Love Pattern," I have been able to convey "reasons" to my child that I hadn't communicated before.
And above all, I think I, as a parent, have become able to avoid getting angry emotionally. By following the procedure of "confirming" instead of "getting angry," I can stay calm.

If parents can make things easier for themselves, that extra space can be used for more leeway. If you have more leeway, you should be able to provide better parenting.
Please try the "Love Pattern" once before you scold your child.