Neither Brick nor Jellyfish! The New Parenting Common Sense: The "Backbone House" is the Ultimate Solution

Struggling with parenting? Actually, there is a third way!

"My child won't listen to me!"
"But I don't want to be a nag either..."

Do you have worries like that? Actually, it's not just a choice between being strict or being permissive. There is a concept called the third option, the "Backbone House".

This is a concept found in the book "Simple Habits to Create Change in Children" by Barbara Coloroso, translated by Minako Taguri. Did you know there are three types of parenting?

The two common types are actually both painful

Brick Wall Type: Too strict and suffocating

In a Brick Wall type home, parents give children detailed instructions, force them, and make them obey. It feels like being dominated from above. It might look solid at first glance, but in reality, something else is going on inside...

Jellyfish Type: Too permissive and unsettling

On the other hand, the Jellyfish type is the opposite. It's permissive, and when children have problems, they are left to solve them on their own. But when children rebel, the parents easily change their policy. It might look like they are respecting the child's autonomy, but in reality...

The world is a tug-of-war between these two

The world is really just a tug-of-war between these two types.

At home:

• Husband: "Hey, you don't have to nag them that much."

• Wife: "What? You say that, but you're always leaving them alone and not doing anything."

Even at work:

• A boss who demands strict discipline and detailed instructions

• A boss who says, "Just do it yourself"

I think many people are stuck between these two.

So what should we do? If this is all there is, it seems like the solution lies in a place where both sides compromise—the husband is dissatisfied because he has to take care of the children more than before, and the wife is dissatisfied because she can't scold them as much as she wants to.

But, actually, there is a third option!

The Ultimate Third Option: The Backbone Home

What is a Backbone Home?

In a backbone-style home, while there is a solid framework that provides direction for life, the rest is flexible.

Instructions have clear reasons, intentions, and goals, which are communicated to the child. Because of this, the child can act with autonomy under proper guidance.

Seeing the Difference Through Examples

For example, it looks like this:

Brick Wall Type:
"Did you finish your homework? It's 8 o'clock, go take a bath!"

Jellyfish Type:
(Says nothing, then panics in the morning)

Backbone Type:
"Our rule is to be in bed by 9 o'clock (the framework). I'll leave it up to you how you finish your homework and bath by then (flexibility)."

Do you see the difference? In the backbone type, the rules are clear, but the way they are carried out is left to the child.

It's Also Scientifically Backed

In the field of psychology, the "Self-Determination Theory" proposed by Edward Deci and Richard Ryan supports the concept of the backbone home. It has been shown that having the right to make one's own decisions (autonomy) increases intrinsic motivation.

There is also the concept of "Authoritative Parenting" proposed by Diana Baumrind. This is an approach that sets clear rules and expectations while respecting the child's autonomy and explaining the reasons so the child understands. The concept of the backbone home has much in common with this.

Why the Backbone Home is the Ultimate Approach

Of course, aiming for a backbone home isn't easy. But if you grasp the key points of the backbone to some extent, you won't have to worry about the minor details, so it becomes 'easier'.

If parents can relax, they can use that extra energy for other things. If there is more room to breathe, better parenting should follow. This may seem contradictory at first, but in reality, the parent's peace of mind is one of the most important factors for a child's growth.

When you feel stuck between the brick and the jellyfish, I think it's very important to remember that there is a third option called the backbone. Instead of aiming for perfect parenting, it is important to find a way that makes both parent and child feel at ease.

It Can Even Be Used at Work! The Backbone Home Concept

You can see a similar structure at work, too, right? The "bosses" who just push discipline, and the "subordinates" who rebel against it to win their freedom. Perhaps neither is the correct answer.

The concept of the Backbone Home can be applied not only to parenting but also to organizational management. It is neither strict control nor neglect; a management style that clearly defines policies while respecting autonomy within those boundaries is also effective in modern organizational operations.

Summary: Making Parenting Easier with the Backbone Home

The idea of the Backbone Home presents a third option in parenting. It is neither a brick wall nor a jellyfish. It has a solid framework while remaining flexible enough to adapt. This is the appeal of the Backbone Home.

Instead of aiming for perfect parenting, it is important to find ways that make life easier for both parents and children. By aiming for a Backbone Home, parental stress is reduced, and the child's autonomy is nurtured. This is also the fundamental philosophy of the 'Easy Parenting' series.

When you feel stuck between being a brick wall and a jellyfish, I think it is helpful to remember that there is a third option: the backbone. I hope you find ways to make your parenting a little bit easier.

(To be continued)