Seeds of Happiness 50: Do Not Talk About Others

Good morning.
This is 100 Seeds, where we look at one of 100 seeds of happiness every day.
For the 50th seed, from the communication section on finding happiness in our daily connections with others,“Do not talk about others”is the topic.

Today's Perspective

In communication, various things are discussed. There are many topics, ranging from casual impressions or feelings that are almost like talking to oneself, to confirmations in daily life, and even requests for advice. Among these, what should be avoided is talking about someone who is not present. Even if you do talk about them, limit it to topics that focus on their good qualities; rather than talking about anything else, try to talk about yourself and the person you are currently speaking with.

Instead of talking about people who aren't there, let's focus on the person right in front of us.

Communication is a precious time that makes life happy. While business-related “reporting,” “contacting,” and “consulting” are important, simply talking with close friends or family provides healing and stress relief. How quickly time passes when you meet a best friend you haven't seen in a while because you were busy, and you talk about this and that while catching up on what happened while you were apart.
These conversations are very important to our lives, but some people like to talk more than necessary. There are many types of talkative people, and many want to talk about themselves and have others listen. There are many who want their efforts and hardships to be understood, and I can understand the reason why they want to share their feelings (even if I can't always keep up with it).
However, among those who love to talk, there are some who prefer talking about others—that is, rumors and gossip—rather than themselves. You can see that people have a high interest in this from the fact that stories about celebrities become topics on internet news and variety shows.
Talking about people like celebrities with whom you have no direct contact can be entertainment in itself, so that is fine, but when it comes to people actually around you, the story changes.

I think it is common for topics like “I heard that person is like this” or “They said this” to come up, but it is better to avoid talking about someone who is not there as much as possible. This is because even what you have seen and heard directly is filtered through your own biases, making it difficult to convey as an objective story. Since you are going out of your way to make it a topic, you are likely dying to talk about it, which often leads to exaggerating, creating a risk of conveying the wrong impression of that person. What kind of person someone is should be judged by each individual through their own interactions with them. If it is something heard from someone else, that bias becomes even stronger. The credibility of information filtered through the speaker's bias is also unknown (because the same action can be perceived differently depending on the emotions the speaker felt when they received the information). There is a possibility of spreading incorrect information, regardless of whether there is malice or not. That, in effect, becomes a lie. As I mentioned yesterday in49: Do Not Betray Otherslies are not good.
Of course, people want to complain, and there is an aspect of wanting to relieve stress by empathizing with others by creating a common enemy and badmouthing them. I can understand that feeling, but rather than doing that, it is more fundamental to break down the things you disliked, understand the causes and background of why you felt that way, and resolve them. It is easier to let go than to reinforce your dislike of someone and keep holding onto those unpleasant feelings.
And, just like people who lie, people who talk about others behind their backs will eventually talk about you behind your back, so you will end up losing trust. Only those who keep secrets can build up trust, and through that, you can have conversations that are shared only with you, deepening and strengthening your relationship with others. I think you can understand that this will lead to more satisfaction and happiness in the end than continuing to complain. Instead of talking about someone who is not here, let's become more positively happy by talking about ourselves and the person right in front of us.

There is only one exception to talking about others.
That is “good things.” I want to share their good points, good deeds, things I was grateful for, and other wonderful aspects of that person. To put it simply, it's like supporting someone you admire. Stories that make you feel warm inside when you see or hear them make others happy too, and even if it reaches the person's ears, they won't feel bad. It is unlikely that people will suspect you of spreading bad rumors, and even if it turns out that the good deed they did was hypocritical, the fact that it was a good deed remains unchanged.

If you start talking about people who are not there, it might be a sign that you are talking too much. Let's look forward to the next opportunity and spend time until that day, until we have accumulated wonderful stories to share with each other.

The brain is smart but too honest; it recognizes even the words you say yourself as truth and judges them to be so.

That is why I want you to put it into words and say it out loud.
Instead of Happy Birthday, to celebrate the beginning of your new life.

I,
I will be happy.
So-and-so will,