Pushy Cat's Mental Diary 1: 'I'm fine' is not fine

There are common exchanges in standard Japanese conversation that end up suppressing your true feelings before you even realize it. Here is a prime example.

Are you okay?
Yes, I'm fine.

Even if you are not okay at all, surely everyone would reflexively answer 'I'm fine' when asked this. It sends a chill down my spine that there is a cultural reality where no standard answer other than 'I'm fine' exists, but the reason everyone answers the same way is that they accurately understand the true meaning of the question 'Are you okay?' is 'Please let me hear you say you are fine.' The person asking this question is actually more interested in confirming that they won't be affected than in caring about the respondent, and the moment this question is asked, the respondent is burdened with the duty to swear, 'I will not cause you any trouble, so please rest assured.'

In other words, this set of call-and-response, which is completely useless for uncovering problems, is a highly formal piece of theater similar to the athlete's oath at an opening ceremony, and it is nothing more than a cruel ritual that forces you to offer yourself as a sacrifice by giving your word to guarantee the other party's immunity. What is this feeling that makes us want to complete this scripted harmony even when we know it in our heads? Whatever it is, it is certainly accompanied by an endlessly empty sense of futility and bottomless loneliness.

And what is more serious is that at that moment, your true feelings are regrettably sealed deep within your heart. Moreover, since it is stored at room temperature rather than frozen, your unfulfilled true feelings will continue to rot over time, strengthening the release of dissatisfaction and resentment, and increasing the pressure inside your heart. If you leave it alone, your heart will eventually burst. It is nothing but poison to your heart, so if you are not okay, it is better to stop answering 'I'm fine.'

But you might ask, how can I give an answer other than 'I'm fine'?

That is a wonderful question. By using that question as a starting point, you will be able to change your course toward a way of life that satisfies your true self. I am writing this new series, 'Pushy Cat's Mental Diary,' with the hope that it will be of some help. If you'd like, why not walk down a happy side path together while being pulled along by a cute cat?

Hello there! This is Ichigo no Niwa Bunko.

Even though I just finished my previous 'Rework Diary' and wrote something like 'Let's meet again somewhere someday,' I have reappeared just one week later in the same style as before. As promised, this is the start of a new series. I humbly ask for your continued support!!

Well, even if the name changes, the content does not. It is the same as before. Since I have completely graduated from Rework, I cannot write new topics about Rework, but I intend to continue writing about my experiences there. Also, other things about being on leave that I am curious about.

And while I sound like I'm acting like a senior, I am still just an 'active patient' who takes medicine every day. I am a 'pill eater' on par with Inspector Okochi from the show 'Aibou.' Munch, crunch. Even if I graduated from Rework, I have not graduated from depression. I am not 'fine' at all. Therefore, please understand that this is a story about a working adult with a mental illness who is still struggling every day for their own happy life, and sharing the experiences, knowledge, and ways of thinking gained along the way with everyone.

Now, how many 'not fine' moments have I buried at the bottom of my stomach? How many people have I absolved and 'reassured'? Even though no matter how much I do that, the problem is never solved. On the contrary, every time I do, my own wounds deepen.

To use an analogy, it is like holding a pot overflowing with boiling water in both hands while saying, 'I'm fine!' This is not the time to be saying such things. Burns are inevitable. You should ask for help.

But if it is difficult to answer 'I am not fine,' then what should you say? Let's think about it together in this article.

For example, how about this way of saying it?

It is a way of asking for the other person's opinion by saying, 'I think I am fine, but what do you think about the situation of XXXXX?' Since you can involve the other person while postponing the judgment of whether you are fine or not, you won't have to carry it all by yourself with this one phrase. And since you are not using the negative expression 'I am not fine,' you do not have to bear the psychological burden of going against the other person's question.

On the other hand, while it might make you look like a capable person if you finish saying it smoothly, the downside is that if you hesitate or stumble in the middle, you might suddenly look like an unreliable person without your own opinions. You don't need to worry about that, but well, you do worry, don't you?

In such cases, how about this way of saying it? You could say, 'I'm fine. It feels like I'm holding 300°C iron with my bare hands,' or 'I'm fine. It feels like I'm holding 90°C iron with my bare hands.' The closer the temperature is to room temperature, the more 'fine' it means, and the higher the temperature, the less 'fine' it means.

The point is that you can express the middle ground rather than a binary opposition of fine or not fine. Even if you stumble over your words, it conveys that you are properly grasping and thinking about the situation yourself, so you can express honesty and seriousness rather than unreliability. Since you will likely be asked, 'What does that temperature mean?', it is also a good effect that it becomes easier to request support accordingly by explaining the situation.

The downside is that the way of saying it is roundabout and hard to understand. Some people might prefer a more straightforward expression.

While keeping the points of reducing psychological resistance by avoiding negative expressions as much as possible, and expressing the state between 'fine' and 'not fine' which is often too simple, how about these other expressions?

“I'm fine. Though my internal brain meeting won't end.”
“I'm fine. If we're talking about today being Friday, that is.”
“I'm fine. My mind has already clocked out, but my body is still operating.”
“I'm fine, but I'm currently drifting a bit. Could you lend me a lifebuoy?”
“I think I'm fine, but the fog is getting thicker... Could you share some light with me?”
“There's an unidentified flying object on my radar, and I'm struggling with how to handle it. Could I consult you?”
“I'm on the verge of whether I can stay fine or not. It would help if I could get some advice here.”
“The opposing team is scoring consecutive points... could we call a timeout?”
“I'm in a bit of a bad spot because I've run out of recovery items during a boss fight. I'd be happy if you could help me restock.”
“I did what I could, but it seems I'm in a situation where I can't get down the mountain on my own. I'd like to ask for a rescue, but could I have some time to consult with you?”

I've listed a few expressions assuming the severity increases gradually. There are many ways to answer, aren't there? You don't have to strangle yourself by answering 'I'm fine' as if you were under a spell. Other possibilities are always open to us.

By the way, for those who still can't find the courage to say 'I'm not fine' even after having these other options, it's highly likely that you are already too hurt and your energy is depleted. Surely, in the past, when you reached out saying 'I'm not fine,' you were ignored, or for some reason, the other person got grumpy and wouldn't accept it, or you were abandoned, betrayed, or blamed. Because of that, you probably can't trust others and have become convinced that you have to carry everything on your own. Therefore, before trying these options, it is necessary to understand and feel secure that it is 'fine' to give an answer other than 'I'm fine'.

First of all, everyone has value. Everyone. It is essential to make this the starting point for everything. And everyone has the right to express their true feelings, and the right to fail. You may make requests of others, you have the right to seek information, and you also have the 'right to say NO and not feel guilty'.

What is even more important is that 'you don't have to meet the expectations of those around you.' What if the other person gets furious if you don't meet their expectations? That might be the case. However, the other person's emotions are their own property. Not ours. You don't need to worry about making someone grumpy because of your words or actions. The other person's grumpiness is something they should handle themselves. Not us. We can focus on making ourselves feel good, not the other person. Therefore, you can say 'NO' without worrying about the other person's reaction. When expressing your true feelings of 'NO,' you don't need to trust the other person. All you need is to value your own true feelings.

In the first place, you cannot predict whether the other person will get angry as you fear before you actually say 'NO.' The other person's feelings are not determined until we convey our first choice. Once the other person hears our first choice and decides on their attitude, we can think about whether to switch to a second choice after seeing how they react. Therefore, you can convey your first choice of 'NO' without worrying that the other person might get offended.

And what if the other person gets angry as you feared? You do nothing. You don't have to worry about it. You can just casually present your second choice. As I wrote earlier, that anger or grumpiness is the other person's property. Whether they listen to your first choice, which didn't align with their intentions, and get grumpy and show anger, or conversely, proceed with the conversation calmly without interjecting those emotions, is the other person's own choice. If the other person gets angry, that is a decision they made. We didn't make them angry. The other person should handle that grumpiness. I'd like to find people who understand that.

Hey, are you thinking, 'Strawberry Garden Library is saying whatever they want, but is it true?'

Actually, this isn't a theory I just made up; it's a way of thinking in a communication method called 'Assertive Communication.' I learned it during my return-to-work program. Although I'm interpreting it in my own way and writing it in my own words. Anyway, what's important is that everyone has the right to express their first choice according to their true feelings, anytime, anywhere, and to anyone. Therefore, when asked 'Are you fine?', you naturally have the right to honestly reply 'I'm not fine' without matching the other person's expectations or guessing their convenience.

Now, are you starting to feel like trying out the 'I'm not fine' expression?

What? You say 'NO'? You say 'I'm still too scared to say that'?

Oh, you're expressing your true feelings properly! That's wonderful. You're not being swept away by my pace of persuasion, and you're firmly expressing 'NO.' That's the spirit. Let's praise yourself!

The more we say things that differ from our true feelings, the more our hearts get hurt. What we should focus on is valuing our own true feelings. We are all valuable beings. You don't have to compare yourself to others, imitate others, or do as others say.

As Taro Okamoto says, it doesn't matter how the other person feels. First, what matters is what your pure feelings are. That purity of yours is the course you should follow.

With that said, this is the end of the first installment of the long-awaited 'Pushy Cat's Mental Health Diary.' Did you enjoy it? Actually, this May marks two years since I returned to society after my mental health leave. Time flies. It's quite moving to think that I've been able to update from 'Return-to-Work Diary' to 'Pushy Cat' at this milestone, as it suggests I'm making steady, if slow, progress. Also, thank you to everyone who read the final installment of 'Return-to-Work Diary' and for all the feedback you sent. Once again, I look forward to your continued support for this 'Pushy Cat' series.

By the way, the total number of applications for the title proposal that I was soliciting for the start of this new series, including my own, was one. As a result of strict consideration, I am pleased to report that 'Pushy Cat's Mental Health Diary,' which I applied for, has been adopted. Dear readers, thank you for warmly watching over this unbearable farce.

Anyway, please give me a like and follow, and by all means, tell me your 'I'm not fine' episodes in the comments section. My recent 'I'm not fine' moment was when my pet cat was playing and clung to my leg, and those sharp claws pierced my leg and it hurt. Even if the kitty only meant it as play, a carnivore's claws are designed for hunting, so it's way too painful. It was not fine at all, and I accidentally screamed in a weird voice...

Well then, I hope you'll look forward to the next one!!