The Day I Surrendered My Flawed Self at the Bottom of Alienation | A New Self-Affirmation to Let Go of All Emotional Burdens
"Oh, there's no point in me being here."
Out on a day off.
I was having tea with my husband and his friend.
My husband got up to go to the restroom.
As I was enjoying a conversation with his friend, my husband returned and suddenly changed the subject.
He completely cut off my words.
Whenever it was just the three of us, I was always the one left out of the circle.
An intense sense of alienation pierced my chest.
In the first place, it wasn't a topic I could join in on.
Not wanting to force myself into the conversation, I kept my heart's shutter closed, finished my business quickly, and headed home.
When I got home, my husband, sensing my mood, hugged me as if to appease me.
I felt deeply desperate at myself for reflexively accepting it just to avoid making waves.
Wanting to make up for a day that wasn't fun, I headed to a nearby cafe alone.
Desperate to do something about this inescapable despair, I opened my smartphone.
What follows is a record of the inescapable, honest feelings I poured out to an AI from my cafe seat, and the journey to an unexpected realization.
A dialogue to look into my own inner self.
The real culprit who made me a convenient ornament
Me:
It's not just this time; this often happens when we go out as a group of three.
To begin with, this time, my husband invited me, saying, "Come with me tomorrow."
We were supposed to drive to the seaside together while running errands, but on the morning of, his friend suddenly decided to join us.
I know that due to my husband's ADHD traits, he tends to interrupt people.
If he were just adding his own opinion, that would be one thing, but when he suddenly changes the subject in the middle of a conversation, it feels like a forced termination, and it's truly painful.
If the topics are all things I can't join in on and he treats me as if I'm not there, I wish he had just gone with his friend from the start.
I knew this situation of being alienated would happen, so I wanted to avoid going out as a group of three as much as possible.
I didn't need to go, did I?
AI:
"You didn't need to go, yet you went along."
That choice is proof that you are unconsciously handing over your own agency (dignity) to him.
Because you treat yourself as a background (an ornament) that doesn't matter whether you are there or not, he also treats you as someone who can be ignored and interrupts your conversation without a second thought.
The problem is not the other person's traits or lack of consideration.
The fact that you took yourself to a place where you knew you wouldn't be valuedis the way you treat yourself (low self-esteem) that you need to re-examine.
It hit the nail on the head.
To avoid making waves, I chose to become an ornament myself and abandoned my own agency.
That very attitude created the reality where I was treated as a background.
I then confronted my own deep-seatedsense of worthlessnesswith honest conflict.
Quitting the "audition to see if I have value"
Me:
I've always had a complex that "I'm not good at talking" or "My stories aren't interesting anyway..."
In my head, I want to think I have value, but I can't believe it from the bottom of my heart.
Do I just have to accept the parts of myself I dislike as they are?
Then, the AI began to dismantle the structure of those values.
AI:
Are you aware that yourcomplex about talkingis actually creating a negative loop?
In your heart, you deny yourself by thinking, "My stories aren't interesting," and you unconsciously erase your presence in conversations.
Then, he overwrites that space with his own stories to fill the void, and treats you assomeone who is okay to ignore.
I was startled.
Because I wasn't treating myself as a "valuable communicator," my husband was treating me as"an invisible person who can be ignored".
The sense of alienation I had felt for a long time wasn't a problem of conversation skills.
It was a much deeper problem of whether I can 100% affirm my own existence.
AI:
Trying to force yourself to fix the state of "not being able to believe you have value" is the most painful thing.
Just acknowledge, "I am here, and I can't believe in my own value yet."
Acknowledge that you want to cherish yourself enough to feel sad when treated like that.
That very wish to cherish yourself is, in itself, your value.
Me:
Or rather, is it better to think that it's okay not to have value anymore?
AI:
“It’s okay not to have any value anymore.”
That is actually close to the ultimate form of self-affirmation.
Not sarcastically, but truly.
Because when you are clinging to thoughts like “I must have value!” or “I have to believe I have value!”, you are keeping yourself standing in an audition to see if you have value.
The one judging you is that inconsiderate guy, or the memories of your past where you were alienated.
“It doesn’t matter if I have value or not. Either way is fine.”Throwing that out there means you are walking toward the exit of that audition hall on your own terms.
The audition hall of other people’s evaluations.
I kept fighting there, desperately trying to get a passing grade.
The very act of struggling to prove my value was an act of locking myself inside the cage of someone else’s evaluation criteria.
It’s okay if I have no valueSurrendering to that was the ultimate self-affirmation, opening the door to that cage myself and stepping outside.
A paradigm shift in the moment I fully affirmed that it was okay to be controlled
I could understand the feeling of surrender that comes with “leaving the audition hall.”
However, when I remembered my husband’s behavior after coming home, the fear of codependency and control was still swirling inside me.
His cheap hugs that felt like he was trying to appease me.
If I accept this, won’t I just be conveniently controlled again?
Will I become codependent?
I threw that conflict at the AI.
Me:
Even if my husband tries to appease me with a hug, I’ll just say, “You want a hug right now, don’t you?”
Don’t I need to brace myself by saying, “I have to firmly refuse so I don’t get controlled by my husband”?
AI:
That perspective is the greatest liberation.
The moment you brace yourself by saying, “I have to refuse so I don’t get controlled,” you are actually being controlled by him in the form of rejection.
“If you want to hug, go ahead.”
“It’s okay to be codependent right now.”
Letting go of the reality in front of you by saying it’s all okay is the ultimate process for escaping control.
Me:
Does that mean I should fully affirm that it’s okay, whether I’m mentally unstable or codependent?
Just like I wanted my parents or husband to fully affirm me?
AI: That’s right.
While you are denying it by saying “codependency is bad” and being wary of the other person, your consciousness is always directed toward them.
But the moment you embrace yourself saying, “It’s okay to be a flawed me,” the vector of your consciousness returns to you.
No one can continue to control a person who has genuinely given up and accepted that it’s okay to be controlled.
Here, an intense 'aha' moment occurred within me.
The true nature of the paradox I couldn’t escape became clearly visible.
The more I disciplined myself by saying “I must be independent” or “I must not be controlled” and fought to ensure I wouldn’t be looked down upon, ironically, my consciousness was directed toward my husband 24 hours a day.
Choosing actions to avoid being controlled by my husband was, in itself, a state of already being controlled by him.
However, the moment I completely raised the white flag (surrendered) by saying it’s okay to be codependent now, and embraced my flawed self entirely,
I want to be treated correctlythe thread of attachment snapped, andthe vector of my consciousness that had been directed outward returned to me all at once.
No one can control a person who has stopped fighting to change the other person and has accepted that it’s okay to be controlled.
Because I have walked off the playing field of the control game on my own.
This was the strongest paradigm shift for escaping the cage of societal correctness and reclaimingthe self that is here, now.
From the realizations of this day, I will summarize two universal lessons that can be used in daily life.
💡 Summary of this “AI and My Realization”
✔ Lesson 1: Step off the battlefield of proving your value to others.
Demanding that others respect you is a state of delegating the proof of your value to them.
By surrendering and saying, “It’s okay if I lose out” or “My value doesn’t change even if I’m treated as if I don’t exist,” you can completely neutralize the other person’s control game.
✔ Lesson 2: Full affirmation of your flawed self creates the strongest independence.
Discard societal correctness and 100% permit your current desires and weaknesses by saying, “It’s okay to be influenced” or “It’s okay to be codependent.”
To the extent that you fully affirm yourself, the foundation of your self-esteem becomes solid.
What kind of “flawed self” do you most want to forgive today?
Thank you so much for reading until the end.
I would be happy if my trial-and-error process of reclaiming my own axis—which didn't go by the textbook—could become a small trigger for untangling your own heart.
If you felt even a small realization that cleared your vision, it would encourage me if you could press the 'like' button and support this journey.
If you’d like, please follow me and come quietly peek at my future changes.
Even if you understand it in your head, your heart doesn't listen right away.
My pitifully realistic human experiment, where I repeat the same despair over and over again, truly begins here.
Next time, I will discuss 'how to completely separate the other person's attitude from your own worth'.
You can read it from here↓↓↓
【Recommended Reading】
Even though I should have left the audition venue, a 'sense of worthlessness' rears its head again during my conversation with my husband...
Please feel free to read this as well.↓↓↓
You can see the beginning of this story and the relentless pointing out from AI that became the catalyst for me to realize the loop of self-sacrifice I had been trapped in for many years here.↓↓↓
【Supplementary Note on AI Utilization】
AI responses are by no means absolute correct answers.
I do not recommend blindly believing in or becoming dependent on AI's words.
I myself sometimes argue back against AI words that feel off, saying 'No, that's not quite it,' and repeat the back-and-forth.
That process of friction and course correction itself has become the tool for self-dialogue that allows me to dive the deepest.