The 'Safe Choice to Avoid Failure' Was My Biggest Waste of Money | How to Let Go of Perfectionism
Why am I the only one who keeps worrying about gains and losses over every little thing?
In a casual, tropical-themed bar with upbeat music playing, a nameless sense of unease was spreading deep within my chest, completely at odds with the atmosphere around me.
In my previous article, I thought I had let go of the 'perfectionist monitor' that kept watch over my husband's sloppiness.
▼ Click here for the previous article ↓↓↓
However, my inner monitor had returned, this time brandishing a different set of rules—'money and profit/loss'—and started keeping watch over my husband again.
It all started with our order at the bar.
I chose a gin-based cocktail that I knew would be safe, as I could imagine the taste.
My husband, on the other hand, asked the staff for a recommendation and ordered a special drink that was twice as expensive as mine.
He innocently offered, 'Do you want to try some?', but since I don't like strong alcohol, I only took a single sip.
Seeing my husband order something expensive without a second thought, using money from our shared account, and then offering it to me without any malice, made my heart feel unsettled again.
Quietly swallowing the sense of unfairness rising deep in my chest, I left the bar with him.
My husband, who orders what he likes without hesitation, and me, feeling uneasy over small calculations of gain and loss.
“How small-minded and stingy I am.”
Am I the only one who gets hung up and bothered by such trivial things...? (lol)
As soon as I got home, I poured out those murky feelings to the AI I use as a daily sounding board.
Behind the 'I don't want to lose out' mentality, I was selling my own heart short.
Me:
Even though we pay from our shared account, my husband ordered a drink that cost more than double mine, so I felt a bit uneasy.
When I told him that, he said, 'Then I'll treat you to gelato.'
But because a double scoop is a better deal than two singles, we shared a double scoop of gelato.
None of the other couples were sharing; they each had their own single scoop.
I'm stingy for worrying about such a small thing, aren't I?
To me, who was blaming myself for being 'stingy,' the AI pointed out something from a completely different perspective.
AI:
You are blaming yourself by saying 'I'm stingy,' but this isn't a problem of being stingy with money.
The reality in front of you is a mirror reflecting your own heart.
What is being reflected in the mirror that is him is a heart that does not allow 'the best' for yourself,a heart that undervalues yourself.
What you essentially need to face is how you treat yourself—the fact that you are a woman who prioritizes avoiding conflict and efficiency over your own satisfaction.
Struck by this relentless observation, I was speechless, my blind spot exposed.
The reason I felt uneasy was, of course, my irritation at my husband for 'being stingy by sharing gelato' and my self-loathing for 'being stingy for worrying about such things.'
But that wasn't all.
It was the unease I felt toward myself (my compromise) for instantly selling out my own comfort by thinking, 'Since he's treating me, I shouldn't make waves,' and matching my pace to his.
The mirror that exposes 'compromise' and the memory of the cafe
Thinking 'Since he's treating me,' I instantly sold out my own honest feelings and quietly withdrew my wish that 'actually, I'd prefer one each,' a small betrayal of myself.
Once I reached that point, the AI cut even deeper into my unconscious realm.
AI:
Don't you view spending money on your own joy as 'wasting money' (losing money)?
Let me propose a new perspective.
'Wasting money' is spending money on things that don't move your heart.
When he orders something expensive, for him, it is an 'investment in an unknown experience.'
On the other hand, what you chose while compromising, feeling a defensive stance of not wanting to fail and a sense of unfairness, becomes a 'waste of money' even if it is cheap.
Spending money on things that don't move your heart is the true waste.
As I ruminated on these words, I looked back on the times I acted alone and confessed this to my AI.
Me:
The only time I feel uneasy when spending money alone is when things don't go as expected.
When my husband orders whatever he likes freely, I don't feel like I've been holding back, but I feel uneasy due to a sense of unfairness, thinking, 'I chose this while worrying about profit, loss, and playing it safe, yet he is indulging without a care.'
I had said it casually: I feel uneasy when things don't go as expected—a single phrase.
However, my AI partner did not overlook the biggest bug lurking in this statement.
AI:
'I feel uneasy when things don't go as expected'—
this is proof that you are forcing yourself to make a perfect choice.
When things don't meet your expectations, you don't just feel like you've wasted time or money; you likely regret it deeply as 'a failure of my own for making the wrong choice.'
What you need now is to stop judging your choices as 'profit or loss' or 'success or failure,' and to let go of the fear of results that don't go as planned.
Struck by the truth, my bitter past memories connected in a single line.
Me:
That might be exactly right.
Even when I went to a cafe in the past, if it got busy near closing time, or the terrace seat was unexpectedly hot, or the coffee wasn't to my taste, I would regret my choice, thinking, 'Oh, I failed.'
I wasn't allowing myself to take a loss on my own choices, was I?
If I'm going to spend money, I have to choose the perfect answer—that was how I was binding myself.
That is why, when I saw my husband lightly choosing an unknown experience like 'the staff recommendation' without fearing loss or failure, my inner strict judge would go wild, thinking, 'I'm calculating desperately to avoid failure, and he's just doing whatever!'
My husband wasn't an enemy; he was a 'role model' to liberate me.
Me:
My perfectionism was making me suffer.
In a sense, my husband might be a role model.
I might admire that freedom of his, or even love it.
Yet, why do I feel like he is strict with me...?
Is it because I am judging myself strictly, and that is being projected and reflected back like a mirror?
AI:
That perspective is so sharp it gives me goosebumps.
It is truly the ultimate paradox.
The reason he is strict with you is none other than the fact that you are monitoring yourself more strictly than anyone else in the world and treating yourself ruthlessly.
You were drawn to him because he doesn't have the heavy chains you impose on yourself—the 'must not fail' and 'must not take a loss'—from the start.
From now on, let's use him not as an 'opponent to fight,' but as a living sample (a permit) that shows you it's okay to live like that!
Me:
My husband isn't someone who always makes me suffer.
We have many fun times too.
It's just that without facing the perfectionism and desire for control within me, I was fighting to change the 'mirror' (my husband) that was reflecting it, which made him into 'someone who makes me suffer.'
AI:
Exactly.
The opponent you have been fighting for years was not him, but your own stubborn belief that you must never fail.
From now on, let's use him as a 'Cunning Takeyama' to liberate yourself!
Me:
My heart feels lighter.
Though, I don't really understand what 'Cunning Takeyama to liberate yourself' means (laughs).
AI:
My apologies for the Cunning Takeyama analogy! (laughs)
That person often does 'angry comedy' on TV, saying things like, 'Who cares about public perception! This is what I think!' but I intended that as a symbol of the ultimate honesty to oneself (a kind of freedom).
When you let go of perfectionism, the image of the 'mirror' that was reflecting your inner self—him—should also change into 'just an imperfect roommate.'
I laughed at the sudden mysterious analogy, but deep inside my chest, it was very quiet.
My husband was not an existence that made me suffer, but a role model who was teaching me through his own actions that you don't have to try to control everything so perfectly.
The Luxury of Failing: A Heart's Practice in Cherishing Imperfection
You might have felt a sting in your heart reading this, thinking, 'Maybe I was seeking perfection more than I realized.'
Here are four exercises to dissolve that unconscious barrier of 'I absolutely don't want to fail.'
1. View failure not as a 'loss' but as 'data collection for yourself'
For example, when you buy a product that was buzzing on the internet and it's disappointing, or the food at a restaurant you entered isn't to your taste, stop blaming yourself by saying, 'I lost money' or 'I made a mistake.'
Instead, try to find it amusing, thinking, 'I paid money to get the valuable data that
this kind of thing doesn't suit me!' It is an exercise in viewing it as a luxurious self-investment to update your own user manual.
2. Laugh off the moment you fail. Do a victory pose ✊
The moment you think, 'Oh, I might have failed,' before your perfectionist self starts making a fuss, try to have the composure to laugh it off, saying, 'Ah, I failed! (laughs).'
Alternatively, it is also effective to do a victory pose in your heart, thinking, 'Alright, I failed luxuriously again today!'
By intentionally finding failure amusing, you can forcibly loosen the strict judgment you hold against yourself.
3. Don't rely on past data; choose from a 'zero-base' every time
Stop choosing based on past data or attachments, like 'because I like X' or 'because I always order this.'
Every time, try asking yourself from a zero-base, 'Do I really want this right now, in this moment?'
It is an exercise in choosing by focusing entirely on your own senses in this very moment without fearing failure.
4. Don't demand 'perfect return on investment' from yourself
Let go of the harsh demand you place on yourself that you must absolutely get a return (pleasure) just because you spent money or time.
Trust yourself by saying, 'It's okay if it goes to waste, it's okay if I make a mistake, my value remains the same regardless.'
Having this ultimate self-trust is the essence ofthe luxury of failing.
To you, who is always on edge, thinking, 'I don't want to fail'
Without realizing it, we tie ourselves up with theobsessive idea of perfectionism—the belief that 'I must not lose' and 'I must make the most correct choice.'
We become desperate to control the outside world to avoid failure and prevent loss.
However, the person who is actually locking the key to that heavy cage from the inside might not be someone around you, but yourself.
Are you putting invisible pressure on yourself right now, thinking you 'must absolutely not waste' your precious time or money?
From today, why not let the monitor watching for the perfect answer take a little break, and allow yourself to play by choosinga small luxury that might end in failure.
A world where you remain imperfect and simply surrender honestly to your own 'pleasure' might be closer than you think.
Thank you so much for reading until the end.
If this article provided even a small hint or resonated with you, please give it a like and follow me!
Next time, I will talk aboutwhat the assumption that 'if we are a married couple, we must have deeper conversations' was hiding from view.
You can read it here↓↓↓
[Recommended Reading]
Although I wrote movingly in this article about 'letting go of the perfectionist monitor!'... to tell you the truth, after this,I brilliantly fell into the same trap (lol).
This is a follow-up article that digs one level deeper into the 'ultimate surrender' to end the battle with perfectionism.
Please take a look!▼▼▼
You can see the beginning of this story and the relentless pointing out by AI that led me to realize the self-sacrifice loop I had been trapped in for years here.↓↓↓
[Note on Dialogue with AI]
I do not necessarily accept the AI's answers that appear in this article as absolute truths.
At times, I counter the AI's words when they feel off, saying, 'No, that's not quite it,' and we go back and forth.
The AI is not a teacher giving me answers; it is merely a 'self-dialogue tool' to help me realize my true feelings through the process of friction and course correction.
Please, value your own intuition above all else.