What was I born for, and what will I live for?

This article is categorized under the magazine titled "Extra Edition: I Read This Book by Yassan".

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At the end of the article from November 24th, I brought up the phrase, "What was I born for, and what will I live for?" Here is how it was in my case.

What was I born for?

In my case, I have to say I was born to protect the family (the shop).

Until I was in junior high school, I grew up relatively freely. Or rather than freely, it was more like neglect.

I was the type who liked studying, and until my first year of high school, I wanted to pursue a science track. However, due to my parents' opposition, I changed to the humanities track. There was a lack of understanding toward the sciences, but I think there was also an expectation even then that I would eventually take over the shop.

Since no one in my family (it was a large family) had ever gone to university, the feeling was that it didn't matter where I went as long as it was for the humanities.

I actually wanted to pursue the path of academia, but due to my parents' opposition, I ended up getting a job instead.

After graduating from university, I got a job at a financial institution. Before long, the requests to come back and take over the shop began. However, I ended up staying at that company for 17 years.

Since it wasn't a job I had wanted, I was quite rebellious at first. However, eventually, the work became interesting. Before I quit, I was entrusted with a major project, and this took time. That was the reason I couldn't quit easily. Because I was soft-spoken, I wasn't able to climb the corporate ladder, though.

What will I live for?

The phrase "what will I live for" seems to have less of an ethical ring to it compared to the phrase "how will I live." If anything, it comes down to what I am suited for, what I want to do, and what is useful to others. The evaluation of "how I lived" might come later, or perhaps after I die. For now, I am not asking for an evaluation.

In my case, given my age, it is less about "what will I live for" and more about "what have I lived for".

When I returned to my hometown, my father (the president) was an alcoholic. The management was a mess. It had become a terrible situation. Furthermore, in my second year after returning, my father collapsed.

I had to rebuild the management, but the staff consisted only of my father's younger brother and sister. From my perspective, they were all my aunts and uncles. They were highly paid but wouldn't listen to a word I said. It was truly difficult.

Even so, including the latter period of running an online shop, I continued the business for 25 years and was able to close the shop after paying all the staff generous retirement bonuses. To be honest, I wish my father's generation had liquidated it.

Meanwhile, I spent 10 years nursing and caring for my father after he collapsed. I wasn't the only one looking after him, but since I was doing it while working at the shop, it was very hard. Also, my wife's father was elderly, and various things happened at the same time. This was mainly my wife's burden, but I was also involved quite often.

Not long after we saw both of our fathers off, my wife's mother developed dementia. My wife's burden increased all at once.

Meanwhile, my mother also began showing signs of dementia before the store closed, and since I had no choice but to look after her alone, that was another reason I decided to close the shop.

Ten years after I began caring for my mother, I underwent cancer surgery, and I had to have her move into a care facility.

Howdid I live?

It wasn't that I didn't have things I wanted to do, but the first half of my life was based on the premise of taking over the family business. In the store, surrounded only by my father's brothers, I struggled through hardships, was met with complaints and slander, and wondered what I was working so hard for.

Starting with my father, I spent about 40 years nursing and caregiving. And to top it all off, I got cancer myself. Good grief.

I have no choice but to say that I have lived for the sake of others. I don't mean to boast about my hardships, but this was my life. It was tough, but it wasn't a life wasted.

It's not over yet. My two mothers are still living in their facilities. My wife is not in good health. I cannot afford to die just yet.

So, for the rest of my life, how should I live for my own sake? I believe the answer lies in books, but that is a story for another time.

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