Episode 75 I end up comparing everything.

You don't have to be number one; you were special from the start, the only one.
This is the well-known masterpiece by SMAP, "Sekai ni Hitotsu Dake no Hana" (The Only Flower in the World).

Instead of aiming to be number one, let's polish our own unique selves, because everyone is special.
That message reached both those called ordinary and those with disabilities as a shared message, calling forth empathy.
I truly wish such a world could be realized.
To bloom your own flower without comparing yourself to others... isn't that ideal?

But... for me, not comparing is difficult.

Having hypersensitivity or hyposensitivity in my hearing and sense of touch, I spent a lot of time alone since I was small, so I am not good at gauging people's hearts.
I can understand the facial expressions on the surface—why they look happy or why they are angry—but gauging the feelings behind them is a bit difficult...
If I look back on it later, I can say, "Oh, I see!"
But in the present tense, I cannot think, "Is it like this?"
It is the story I mentioned before about whether you are standing on the field or at the very top of the stands.

The only way to force myself to read feelings I cannot read is the concrete action of observing reactions.
But I cannot understand the true part of how that person is thinking and acting.
So, I compare it with similar situations stored in my memory and form a hypothesis that "it is probably like this."

I act or converse according to that hypothesis...
I examine whether the result is a circle or an X...
Before I know it, interpersonal relationships become a binary choice of circle or X, and I look for words that fit myself to the hypothesis that resulted in a circle.
As a result, my empty body converses like a marionette.

For me, the world of "Only One" sung about in "The Only Flower in the World" is very difficult.
How should I understand an ambiguous individuality that cannot be compared?
For me, who relies on occurring phenomena to somehow be 'on' in society, I cannot live without the worldview of a physical number line of comparative examination.

Let's develop our own individuality without comparing ourselves to others... yes, that is ideal.
At the opposite pole of that, there is me, living by comparing and examining everything.

"The Only Flower in the World"
Because I can understand the content of what it is saying, the lyrics are very painful.

Old Blog Archive 2018/11/28