Before Blaming Anger | What Was Ringing Was a Notification

There was a time when the fire alarm went off in the middle of the night.

When I stepped out into the apartment hallway, other doors were slightly ajar, and residents were peeking out.
There was no smell of smoke, and no flames were visible.

After a while, an announcement came from the management office saying it was a malfunction, and the hallway returned to silence.

After I went back into my room, I looked up at the fire alarm on the ceiling.
It is a round, white machine that I usually don't even notice.

Even though it was a malfunction, I think the fire alarm went off because it sensed something.
The fact that it rang meant it was simply doing its job as a fire alarm.

It suddenly occurred to me.

Isn't anger the same as a fire alarm?
When something happens, it rings. Isn't that the job of anger?

For a while after that night, this thought stayed in my mind.

There was a long period when I used to blame my anger.

The self-loathing the morning after I became emotional.
The time spent replaying the words I retorted with over and over again at night.

Every time anger came, a sense of disgust—a feeling of 'here it is again'—would come along with it.
The moment I felt anger, the self-blame had already begun.

Before long, I started to feel a tightness in my diaphragm.

When anger came, my breathing would become shallow and stop there.
Unable to inhale, I was holding onto both the anger and the self-loathing.

I think that every time I blamed my anger, my sensitivity to the next bout of anger increased.

The stronger the association of 'anger equals something bad' became, the faster and more intense my reaction was when anger arrived.

Just as a fire alarm might start reacting to things that aren't even smoke.

Every time I blamed my anger, the anger stopped being about the source of the smoke and became the sound itself.

When a fire alarm rings, we don't blame the fire alarm.
Because we know that is its job.

But toward my own anger, I kept saying, 'Don't ring.'

Before checking where the smoke was coming from, I was just trying to stop the sound.
The more I tried to stop it, the louder the sound felt the next time it rang.

Because I try to stop the sound, it cycles.
When I can accept it as a notification, the cycle stops.

I could not see this paradox until the breath returned to my diaphragm.

The day I turned to the side that uses the fire alarm, my breath returned around my diaphragm.

Turning to the side that uses it means,
before trying to stop the sound, checking just once 'where is it ringing today'.

One night, after an interaction with someone, my breath caught around my diaphragm.
As usual, anger and disgust came as a set.

But at that moment, I put the disgust a little bit behind me,
and tried looking only at the anger.

I thought, this is something that came today.
It is not from yesterday, nor from last year, but a notification that rang in this situation.

The moment I could think that, air returned to the area around my diaphragm.
The breath that had stopped became one level deeper.

Only after my breath returned could I see the outline of the anger.

I wanted them to properly receive my words.
That wish was there.

While I was trying to stop the sound, I could not see this far.
　

Even now, I cannot always turn to the side that uses it every time anger comes.

There are days when disgust comes first, my breath remains stopped at my diaphragm, and the night ends just like that.

However, what is a little different from before is that,
when I notice that my breath is caught,
I have become able to turn my attention a little more
in the direction of 'something is ringing now' rather than 'I got angry again'.

You don't have to erase the anger.

Under the fire alarm, try taking a deep breath just once.

You can check where this notification that rang today is coming from
after your breathing has returned.

If something is ringing inside you today,

it is a notification that something has happened.

Where was it ringing tonight?

Yukino
　

[Welcome to Cocomichi's 'Library of the Heart']

I hope this article brings even a little bit of space to your heart.
At 'Cocomichi,' I hope to continue delivering peace of mind and small realizations.
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You can find your next book based on how you are feeling right now.

[ Branches and leaves close to your heart ]
□ If you want to try waiting a little longer for the time before words come out
→ [ On nights when you want to say something but can't ]
□ If you want to look a little deeper into the inner world of someone who replies with 'I'm fine'
→ [ To those who have made 'I'm fine' their catchphrase ]
□ If you want to remember that there is warmth in connection even within silence
→ [ The kindness called silence ]

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