To You Who Swallow Your Anger | That Heat Was the Voice of What You Wanted to Protect

Hello, this is Yukino.

I still remember the night I was listening to someone's story in the counseling room.
I still remember it now.

It is not strange.

Thinking that, I remained silent for a while.

As they spoke, the person was sitting on the edge of their chair.

Their chest was slightly sunken, and their back was hunched.

Even though they were talking about anger, they didn't look like an angry person.
They were just exhausted.

I had a similar period in my own life.

It was a workplace where contradictory instructions flew at me almost every day.

Every time I received unreasonable words,
“If I talk back here, it will become a hassle,”
“Maybe I’m the one taking it the wrong way.”

I would push down something that was starting to heat up each time.

Before I knew it, the middle of my back had stiffened.

Not my shoulders or my throat, just that spot.

It felt like what I had pushed down had lost its exit,
and was slowly accumulating.

The better I became at swallowing my anger,
the heavier my back became.

I thought anger was a “bad thing.”

Becoming emotional.
Destroying relationships.

Every time I felt that heat starting to well up, I would hurriedly put a lid on it.

One night, when I found a burn on the bottom of a pot in the kitchen,
I suddenly thought of something different.

A scorch mark is a sign that heat has been applied.

A scorch mark formed because you were trying to warm something up.
Without heat, there is no scorch.

Perhaps anger is a little similar.
　

The heat that wells up does not come from nothing.

Because something was hurt.
Because you cherished something.
Because you were trying to protect something.

I think now that the reason I felt hot every time I received unreasonable words at that workplace was because I had a wish to be treated with care.

At the time, I couldn't even name that wish, but my body knew it first.

Every time my back stiffened, perhaps it was trying to tell me that.

I think that person in the counseling room was surely the same.

“I think the part of you that gets angry was trying to protect something.”

When I said that, the person was silent for a while.

Then, they sank a little deeper into their chair, and stretched their back ever so slightly.

Just a few centimeters.
But it was a moment where something seemed to unravel just a little.

When we keep swallowing our anger, we usually blame ourselves for being angry.

It's wrong of me to get angry over something like this.
I'm not in control of my emotions.
I need to be more of an adult.

But before that, just for a moment, try peeking at where that heat came from.

Like looking at a scorch on a pot.
Why did it burn here?

“What was this anger trying to protect?”

If you feel up to it, try gently placing your palm in the middle of your back.

If you can just leave that question there, right next to that warmth,
I feel like that is enough for tonight.

When you hear voices blaming the anger itself,
it may simply mean that you still hold something dear.

A burn is also a sign that there was once a fire.

by Yuki
　

【Welcome to Cocomichi's 'Library of the Heart'】

I hope this article has brought even a little bit of space to your heart.
At 'Cocomichi,' I hope to continue delivering peace of mind and small realizations to you.

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【 Branches and leaves close to your heart 】

□ If you want to look at the heat of your anger from a different angle
→ [ To you who swallow unreasonable anger ]

□ If you want to find a space that doesn't completely close off a relationship on a night you want to talk back
→ [ Leaving the door open just a millimeter on a night you want to talk back ]

□ On a night when the heat you've been suppressing still remains somewhere in your body
→ [ Gently loosening the 'knots of the heart' that remain in the body ]

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→ [ 📚 Library of the Heart: Exploration Guide ]