When Organizing Your Emotions Becomes Painful | Gently Opening a Clenched Hand

Hello, this is Yukino.

On nights when I return from a long trip, I sometimes leave my luggage sitting in the entryway.

I set the heavy bag on the floor and reached for the zipper. But then, I just let go.

Inside were the clothes I'd worn for a few days and a still-damp raincoat. I knew I should unpack, sort them, and put them in the washing machine. My head knew what to do, but my hands wouldn't move.

The next morning, I walked past it again, touched the zipper, and let go once more.

This cycle repeated for two days.

I think emotions are similar.

There are nights when I think, 'I need to face this properly,' but my hands just won't move.

I feel like there is something important inside, but I just can't bring myself to open it up.

Just like walking past the luggage left in the entryway, I walk past my own emotions and go to sleep again today.

On nights like that, a voice sometimes comes to me saying, 'You couldn't organize it again.'

Even though I was able to move during the day, at night, the voice saying 'you must face it' can become the only thing that grows louder.

When I am alone in a quiet room, the things I had pushed to the back during the day start to come to the front little by little.

Voices I couldn't hear while talking to someone else reach me only in the silent hours.

That voice wasn't blaming me. It was simply letting me know that it was there.

But at night, there are times when I no longer have the strength left to receive that voice.

I have come to call that state a 'night where I couldn't do it.'

Where does the feeling that 'I must face it' come from?

When we perceive an emotion as a 'problem,' we sometimes automatically enter a mode of 'I must solve this.' That chain of thought wasn't taught to us by anyone; it was something we learned before we knew it.

When emotions come, organize them.
That sequence had become a habit before I even realized it.

Habits kick in even when you are tired.
On nights when I have no strength left, the voice telling me I must organize them comes first.
Sometimes, the thought 'I must organize' even comes before the emotion itself.

I feel like I have been clenching my hand every time they come.

I realized later that inside the words 'I must face them,' there was another burden.
I realized it later.

During a meeting, I once received these words.

The weight of the emotion itself, and the weight of the feeling that I must organize it.
I had been carrying both from the very beginning.
When an emotion came, the thought 'I must organize' came as a set with it.

Before I could even accept the weight of the emotion, I had already taken on another burden.

What kind of task is 'organizing'?

Giving a name to the emotion.
Asking myself over and over, 'Is this sadness, anger, or loneliness?'
Once a name is found, the next step is to look for the cause.
Once the cause is visible, the next step is to think about what to do.

It is quite a long process.

On nights when I have no strength left, when I try to initiate this process,
it usually stops halfway through.

I can't find a name. I don't know the cause. The next move is even further away.

Every time it stops, the voice saying 'I couldn't do it again' comes.
There are nights that last much longer because of the self-reproach for not being able to organize,
rather than the weight of the emotion itself.

Returning to the matter of the luggage in the entryway.

On the second night, I moved the luggage to a different place.
From the corner of the entryway to a place where the wind blows a little.

That was all.
I didn't unpack the contents.
I didn't do any laundry.

But, the zipper remained just slightly open.

The next morning, when I passed by my luggage,
I noticed that the raincoat, which should have been wet, had dried a little.

Even though I hadn't done anything, it had dried.

It had just been left in the entryway, exposed to the air overnight.

The way things dry depends on what they are made of.

Thin materials often dry overnight.
Thick cotton items might take another day.
If you try to dry them in a hurry, the fabric can get damaged.

Perhaps emotions also have different ways of drying.

Some can be named immediately and settle down after being left for a while.
Some lose their shape if you try to organize them too quickly.
Waiting for the time that suits the material can be a form of gentle care.

To organize is to work with your hands.

To dry is to let things be.

Yet, the luggage had dried even though I hadn't touched it.

Emotions, too, had dried a little even without being spread out.
There were mornings after nights when I left things as they were, where what was there had changed slightly.

During a counseling session, someone once told me, "I didn't do anything, but I feel a little better."

At that moment, I thought that they hadn't done nothing; they had simply let things be.

Leaving things as they were had become the time needed to dry.

Leaving the luggage in the entryway was not neglect.
I was letting it be exposed to the air.
I had chosen a place for that purpose.
It was just that—a quiet act.

For emotions, too, allowing them to just be there can be an act of drying.
Even without going through the process of organizing, their shape changes little by little within time and air.

If I know that there is an option to let things dry on nights when I cannot organize them,
there are fewer nights where I blame myself for leaving things as they are.

There are nights for organizing.
There are nights for drying.
Both are valid ways of handling your emotions.

When the voice saying "I must face this" comes,
I have become able to ask myself: is tonight a night for organizing, or a night for letting it air out?

Before, I used to think that a night for letting it air out was a night where I failed to do anything.

But the burden changed, regardless of how I handled it.

The morning after I organized it, and the morning after I let it air out, both were a little different from the night before.

The only thing they had in common was that I had spent time on them.

I also think it is okay to have nights that are neither.

A night where you sleep while still holding your burden
might be a night where you chose to carry that weight together again tonight.
There are nights when you cannot yet decide where to put it down.

I think that is fine.

If the voice saying "I must organize this" is coming to you tonight,

please try to check your palm a little bit along with that voice.

Are you clenching something?

If you were clenching it, that just means you have gone a long time without letting go of something.

You do not need to blame that hand.

If you have even a little bit of space, just touching the zipper is enough.

You do not need to open it wide.
Just confirming that it is there tonight is enough.

And then, leave it in a place where it can catch a little breeze.

By the next morning, it might have become something a little different from the night before.

I touched the zipper, and then I let go.

I felt that just that much was enough for tonight.

Yuki

[Welcome to Cocomichi's 'Library of the Heart']

I hope this article brings even a little bit of space to your heart.
At 'Cocomichi,' I hope to continue delivering peace of mind and small realizations.
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[Branches and leaves close to your heart]
□ If you want to wait a little longer for the time before words come out
→ { On nights when you want to speak but cannot }
□ If you want to look a little deeper inside those who reply with 'I'm fine'
→ [ To those for whom 'I'm fine' has become a habit ]
□ If you want to remember that there is warmth in connection even within silence
→ [ The kindness of silence ]

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