The Night-Shift Nursery Teacher and I (6): The Hand I Can't Let Go

This story is probably fiction.
Miki-san and I are probably imaginary people, too.
But even if it's just in our imagination, I hope I can preserve the irreplaceable time the two of us spent together.

On days when Miki-san had a night shift and would be home late,
she would tell me, "It's okay for you to go to sleep first."
But I couldn't do that.

Was it a sense of duty? Was I just lonely? I don't really know the reason myself.

She would clock out of the shop at midnight, but if she had an 'after' appointment, she wouldn't get home until 4 or 5 in the morning.
Since she generally worked the night before her day off from her main job, she would come home in the early morning almost every time.

When I first started living with her, the loneliness was intense.
I had never left my parents' house or lived alone before, and I didn't know how to spend my time in a house without Miki-san.

There was one time I waited for Miki-san in the entryway until she got home.
She was incredibly surprised.
"You really scared me, so don't ever do that again,"
she told me.
Even now, when I see videos of dogs waiting for their owners to come home, my heart aches.

Miki-san could hold her liquor.
Even when we drank together, she never lost control of herself, and it seemed like she didn't drink much at the shop either.

I once asked a stupid question: "Don't places like that make the customers drink and also have the staff drink a lot to make money?"
"I'm not a young host, you know," she laughed.
It seems I didn't really understand the system of those kinds of shops.

When Miki-san got home from her night shift, she would head straight to the sink.
She would wash her hands and, for some reason, brush her teeth.
Once she finished gargling, she would come into the living room, take off her clothes, and toss them onto the sofa or floor.
Once she was down to her underwear, she would head to the bathroom.
After taking a shower and putting on her pajamas, she would do her skincare routine in the living room.
While she was applying various things to her face, I would dry her hair with a hairdryer; that was basically the routine.
Back then, I didn't know that drying a girl's hair was such a chore.

Going through this routine three times a week, it became second nature,
and I felt like my existence had become a part of Miki-san's life.
I think I felt the reality of us being together.

But the more I could feel us being together, the more I couldn't help but feel lonely as well.

Miki-san was spending the time that someone else desired with someone other than me.
Jealousy? Possessiveness? I can't find the words to express the feelings I had back then.

"Shall we go to sleep soon?"
We would lie down together, and she would gently place her left hand on my right hand.
So it was one of those days after all...
I couldn't put it into words.
I squeezed the hand she offered me just a little bit harder.
Miki-san squeezed back.

I will never let go.
Because I felt that if I let go, I—and only I—would disappear from Miki-san's world.

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