Instead of trying to change yourself, try accepting yourself

A little while ago, I wrote something like this.

It is a piece of writing that I scribbled down so raw and emotionally that I would rather keep it private if I could. But this is my reality, and it is the most vivid version of me from the past month.

When I interact with people, I think about their feelings more than necessary.

How will they feel?
Will they have an unpleasant experience?
Will they be hurt by my words?

I think about these things almost reflexively.

One sad thing is that despite thinking so much about others, my empathy is remarkably low. I can only care for others through pattern recognition.

That is precisely why there have been several times in my life where a casual remark of mine has deeply hurt someone. I think that is why I am even more careful about the casual things I say.

And as a result, in exchange for valuing others, I was treating myself incredibly poorly.

It was in my previous article that I realized that much.

✴︎

However, after writing that article, I realized one more thing.

It wasn't just that I was hurting myself; I was also further denying the version of myself that could only interact with people in that way.

Why can't I just meet people normally?
Why is this so exhausting?
Why can't I just do things like this without worrying about them?

I also wrote this in my previous article.

Why am I so deficient?

Reading it now, it is quite harsh.

I was neglecting and hurting myself, and then, toward that wounded self, I was telling myself, 'You are deficient.' I was hurting myself twice over, but I didn't even realize it while I was writing it.

In any case, I wanted to find a way to escape this psychologically unhealthy state.
I began searching for various books, desperate for help.

If I don't face this now, I will spend my whole life being troubled by this problem.

✴︎

It was at that moment that I reconnected with a book by Yoshinori Noguchi that I had read in the past.
It is a book written about "self-affirmation" and "self-acceptance."

I had known the term "self-affirmation" for a long time.

To like yourself.
To be able to think that you have value.
To acknowledge yourself.

I understood it to mean things like that.

However, regarding myself, I had never really thought about whether my self-affirmation was high or low, or whether I had it or not. Perhaps it would be more accurate to say that I had never paid it any mind.

But reading this book made me realize something. I had been quite mistaken.

According to the author, psychological counselor Mr. Noguchi, "Research shows that people with high self-affirmation have stable mental health, enjoy human relationships, and have higher life satisfaction."

But he also points out that many people misunderstand that
"finding and affirming one's good points"
and "praising oneself for what one has achieved"
is what raises self-affirmation.

Hmm, that is exactly me.
I have maintained a stance of only acknowledging the "me that can do things." Without even realizing that I was being tormented by it.

Mr. Noguchi says that what is raised by praising strengths or parts that have been achieved (actions or results) is "confidence," not self-affirmation. And he says that confidence is something temporary that goes up and down. Hmm, I see.

Furthermore, Mr. Noguchi also conveys the harmful effects of praising with conditions.

I groaned, thinking, "This is certainly true."

I have been living completely while holding a placard that says "I have no value if I cannot produce results," and I take pride in being at the front of that group.

I am convinced that I have no value as I am. I had believed that quite firmly.

However,
Acknowledging yourself "including the self that cannot do things."
Accepting yourself as you are is self-acceptance,
and it is because you become able to accept yourself that self-affirmation builds up.

How easy it is to write that.

I, too, want to accept myself "as I am." But I am struggling because I cannot do that. Every time I encounter a version of myself that fails, I end up attacking myself—as I wrote candidly in that article—thinking, "I'm no good!" or "I'm flawed!" I have been doing this for 37 years now. I am a veteran of this, a true veteran. Good grief.

Accepting yourself as you are.

Self-acceptance.

Yes, this is what I am lacking.

I do not possess the sense of being able to accept myself as I am at an existential level. That is why I criticize myself so much.

However, I have heard "you should accept yourself as you are" countless times while studying psychology. The fact that I haven't been able to do that is exactly what has made me who I am today.

But the way to practice self-acceptance was actually very simple.

✴︎

As a premise, it is said that for self-acceptance, it is important to accept the emotions you are feeling exactly as they are, without judging them as "good" or "bad."

Even when you feel "I hate this part of myself," instead of forcing yourself to find something good, it is important to acknowledge your feelings as they are and speak to yourself, saying things like, "I see that I am feeling like I hate myself right now," "Okay, okay, it's alright to feel that way," or "I understand."
I see. In psychological terms, this is called negative capability.

I learned an even more interesting concept.

It is said that within our hearts, there is an "inner child" that feels emotions honestly, and an "inner parent" that watches over it.

If the inner parent is critical, the inner child gets hurt, but if it learns to offer receptive and kind words, self-acceptance happens naturally, and self-esteem is nurtured.

Hmm...

I suddenly realized that the "inner parent" inside me has always been too harsh. It was incredibly strict. Whenever I slacked off even a little, it would yell at me to "take more action," and it would harshly attack me for my clumsy behavior, asking, "Why can't you even do that?" It happened without me even realizing it. And all the while, my inner child was just getting hurt. I realized that this is what led to those mysterious tears I wrote about in that article. Poor thing...

Those tears were the tears of my inner child...

Because I kept yelling at myself for crying, saying "Don't cry!," there was no way self-acceptance could ever be nurtured.

And Mr. Noguchi says that self-acceptance is directly proportional to the acceptance of others.

No wonder...

I felt a sadly convincing sense of clarity. That's why I've been making my relationships so complicated (all on my own).

✴︎

When you are sad, having your inner parent sit beside you and offer comfort by saying, "You're sad, I understand," and "It's okay to feel that way," is exactly the process of self-acceptance, he says.

I thought, this is something I could do too.

The problem is that when things are unclear and you don't know what's happening, you can't deal with them or take measures. But it has become much clearer, and I feel quite relieved.

Alright, I'll try self-acceptance too, so I started doing it about a week ago.

When I find myself thinking negatively (when something happens that might trigger my inner parent), I catch myself and say out loud, "It's okay," or "You feel this way, I understand, I really do." I tried thinking it only in my head, but (in my case) it didn't work very well. Saying it out loud strangely calmed me down.

Oh, this might actually work?

I am currently in the middle of that challenge.

By accepting yourself as you are (Being), you naturally become able to accept others, and relationships become easier, Mr. Noguchi said. That is a source of hope for me.

Right now, when I meet certain people, I am more careful than necessary.
Right now, I am afraid of disappointing someone.
Right now, I think about the other person's feelings before my own true intentions.

And sometimes, after meeting people, I am unbelievably exhausted.

First, I won't treat that as a "flaw to be fixed." I will start by accepting it from there.

"Ah, this is how I am right now."
"It's okay," I tell myself.

And just look at it as it is.

For a long time, every time I found something I didn't like within myself, I tried to get rid of it somehow. I treated those as bad emotions and pretended not to see them.

But having parts that aren't perfect is also part of who I am.

Little by little, I have started to think that way.

How simple and easy it looks when written down in words. It makes me frustrated. How many years has it taken me to reach this point of being able to say, 'Little by little, I have started to think that way'? How many tears have I shed?

Quietly, but surely, I think this.

It is okay to have parts of myself that I do not like.
There are things I cannot do as well as others.
Instead of trying to drive them away one by one, I will let them stay within me.

'You are allowed to be here, too,' I say.

First, I want to be able to say that to myself.

Because I am beginning to feel, little by little, that only then will I be able to interact with others without leaving myself behind.

No matter what version of myself appears, I will not abandon that self.

The person you will spend the longest time with in your life is yourself.

If that is the case, I want to treat this person with a little more care.

▼ Click here if you would like to listen to today's article
(If you are using the app, you can listen at double speed)