1520 Lumens of Dark Tokiwa ⑧

Sane-san's Style 2

“I’m giving up on Tokiwa-kun.”
“...Huh!?”

As soon as I arrived at school, Sane-san called me over, and we talked in the corner of the hallway. Our voices naturally dropped to a whisper.
It was a sudden turn of events from yesterday’s, “I want to know more about Tokiwa-kun!”

“The conversation I overheard yesterday... well, you can guess, right? Tokiwa-kun’s mother might be ill.”
“Yeah... I don’t know the details either, but I have that feeling too.”
“I can’t date someone who has family issues like that.”

I was surprised by the assumption that she could date Tokiwa if she wanted to, but I was even more surprised by how much colder Sane-san’s tone sounded than I had expected.
I felt anxious about the conclusion she had drawn from the brief conversation we heard yesterday, and the way she seemed to be cutting Tokiwa off.

“W-wait, seriously...!?”
“Things like that can lead to trouble, even if there’s no ill intent, you know? I don’t want to do anything that would worry my own family. It’s a shame, but as a romantic interest, it’s a no-go.”

After I got home yesterday, I worried more than I ever had in my life.
Of course, I had honestly thought the same things as Sane-san. That maybe it would be better not to get too involved with Tokiwa anymore. But no matter what, I couldn’t bring myself to be satisfied with that.
It’s natural to want to put yourself and your family first. But even so, I wanted to consult with Sane-san about whether there was anything “we” could do.
Sane-san is level-headed, and I had assumed that as the only other friend who had found out about Tokiwa’s family situation, she would worry about it with me.

And yet, seeing Sane-san seemingly heading in the opposite direction without a moment’s hesitation left me stunned.

“So, I...”

—I don’t want to be involved anymore.
Imagining those words, I wanted to cover my ears.

“I was thinking about what I could do.”
“...Huh!?”
“And, you know how these flyers get handed out all the time? I’m sure you already have one. I thought if I gave him this, it would be a message saying, ‘I’m worried about you.’”

Saying that, Sane-san pulled out a flyer. It was the same list of consultation services that Aunt Masako had held before.
When I just stared at her blankly, Sane-san tilted her head in confusion.

“What’s wrong?”
“No... I just thought you decided you didn’t care about Tokiwa anymore. I thought ‘I can’t date him’ might also mean you didn’t want to be involved anymore...”
“Huh?! No way! Even if I’ve given up on being his girlfriend, that’s a different story! If he’s in trouble, I want to help. Isn’t it normal to feel that way as a friend? You’re worried too, right, Hamura-kun?”
At those words, the weight in my chest lightened a little.

“Also, my grandpa is a local welfare commissioner, so I told him, ‘Could you keep an eye on him?’”
“...What.”
She said even that so casually. While I was agonizing over it all by myself, Sane-san was already steps ahead, doing what she could.
She was incredibly reliable. I wanted to hug her on the spot, but since I couldn’t do that, I pressed my hands together as if in prayer.

“What’s with that pose?”
“I’m worshipping you. I could only worry, but you’re reassuring, dependable, and amazing. Are you the oldest child, Sane-san?”
“I have two younger brothers.”
“Ah, I knew it.”
“You seem like a younger brother type, Hamura-kun.”
I was convinced she was the oldest child, and she had also seen right through my younger-brother temperament.

“Also, you say you could only worry, Hamura-kun, but it’s a happy thing to have someone who worries for your sake, you know?”
Sane-san can say things like that so straight-faced, without even a hint of shyness. She even validated the version of me that couldn’t do anything, and my chest felt warm and fuzzy. I think I’m starting to like her.
But Sane-san likes mysterious guys, apparently. So, it’s probably a lost cause.

“Anyway, about what we were talking about earlier? You’re the type who would think ‘I don’t want to be involved anymore,’ right, Hamura-kun? You said before that your motto is ‘Live peacefully above all else.’”
Hearing that, I was at a loss for words.

“...Yeah, I guess so.”
“Being a pacifist is, in a way, being a bystander. If you don’t get involved, your peace is maintained, right? Isn’t someone else’s family problem the thing you’d want to leave alone the most?”

That was exactly it. I tried to stay as far away as possible from people whose words and actions didn't match up.
To avoid getting caught up in trouble. To protect my own peace.

……That's true, but.
I couldn't explain my own contradiction very well.

Tokiwa's Confession

“Yesterday…… did Hamura bring you those handouts?”

Tokiwa had come to school that day. I had been casually checking on how he was doing, but he seemed normal. I was thinking that maybe I should just let yesterday slide for now…… when he suddenly asked me that question as we were leaving, and I panicked like a child caught in a prank.

“Oh, no, u-um, yeah. That's right. It was a handout that looked like it needed to be checked sooner rather than later.”
I started acting suspicious, trying to hide the fact that Sane-san had been with me.
Students rushing to their club activities ran past us. We talked while walking together to head home through the hallway, where there were fewer people around.

“I see……. Did you hear anything……?”
“Huh? Um, well, I heard your mother's voice and yours, a little bit.”

Tokiwa, seemingly sensing my discomfort from the way I was struggling to speak, furrowed his brow.
“I see. If you heard it, then it can't be helped. My mom, she's a bit mentally ill. ……It probably freaked you out.”

Tension surged through me all at once. I felt like all my blood was rushing to my stomach. My mind was about to go blank.
I had hoped that one day I could talk to Tokiwa about his home life. But I wasn't mentally prepared for it yet.

When someone confides their worries or secrets to you.
There are infinite ways to respond, but almost all of them are wrong. Denial, affirmation, sympathy, advice.
Even knowing that much, I had no idea what the right way to respond was.

And this wasn't some trivial confession.
If I get the response wrong here, it's over.
I don't want things to end with Tokiwa. He went out of his way to tell me. What should I say? I rack my brain.

“……I see, I understand. No, it didn't freak me out.”
“……”
Tokiwa stayed silent, waiting for me to continue.

“My aunt is an SSW, so I sometimes hear stories about kids with all sorts of family situations. It's not just your place, Tokiwa. Um…… what I want to ask you is, do you want to talk to someone about it?”
“No……”
“Like the school counseling office, or a help line. Also, my aunt is pretty reliable, too.”
“No, it's fine. I don't want people to know. I want to be left alone.”
“Is that so……?”

Now it was my turn to be silent.
He really doesn't want people to know.
If that's what he says, is there nothing I can do?
Is there really nothing I can do unless he says he's in trouble and asks for help?
If I talk to other adults on my own even though he said he didn't want anyone to know, will he hate me?
Is it okay to ask what kind of illness his mother has?
My head is spinning.

“Um, you don't have to answer if you don't want to, but what kind of situation is it……?”
“……My mom has been prone to mental illness since I was little. She's been in and out of the hospital several times.”
“What about your dad?”
“He's been working away from home for two years.”
“Huh…… is that okay?”
“My mom has her ups and downs, and there are times when she's doing well. When she is, she can do housework normally. She's actually a pretty good cook. I can do simple chores, and my dad comes home once a month.”

Tokiwa spoke calmly, without changing his expression. With just that information, I couldn't tell how hard it actually was.
But.

“No, that's definitely tough!”

Then, Tokiwa's expression softened slightly, and I felt a little relieved.

“Yeah, it is. When she's doing well, we talk about school while eating dinner……. There are times when she's just a normal mom like that, but then there are times like yesterday when she gets caught up in delusions. When that happens, I just wish she'd give me a break.”
“Hmm……. Does she say things that don't make sense?”
“Yeah. She says things like, 'They're watching us from the other side of the TV, so don't turn it on,' and I haven't watched it for two years now.”
“Seriously? So you have no choice but to watch it secretly on your smartphone……”
“Or she'll say that even though it's a call from my dad, it must be someone else pretending to be him, and she won't answer.”
“Whoa, your dad has it rough……!”

I felt relieved that Tokiwa had told me so much.
Even if there is little I can do to understand, if talking to me helps her feel even a little bit better, then that is enough.

“Like, someone is over there, watching us. Sometimes it’s a real person, and other times she says it’s an alien...”
Tokiwa gave a bitter smile.

“That’s impossible, though.”

In that moment, my thoughts turned to my own power.
For so long, I had been told that it was impossible to see light bulbs like that, that it was impossible, and it was denied. People would be exasperated, saying I was saying strange things again. No one believed me. I was even made a fool of.
I even wondered if I was the strange one for being able to see them.
But back then, when I was truly seeing them and no one believed me, I felt such despair. If it hadn't been for Aunt Masako, what would have happened to me?

And so, I think I said the one thing I absolutely should not have said.

“...But you know,”
Tokiwa stared at me as I opened my mouth.

“For the person themselves, it means they are really seeing it, right? Even if you can't see it, Tokiwa.
If it’s the truth for your mother, then... isn't it painful for her to be denied by you, the person closest to her?”

Before I knew it, I had blurted out what I was thinking.
After a long silence, Tokiwa said,

“...Don't say it so easily.”

The corners of her mouth, which had been turned up, dropped, and the light vanished from her eyes. It was clearly an expression of disappointment.

I realized I had messed up.
I had made a mistake.
A mistake so big I felt like I would regret it for the rest of my life.
I had wanted to be on Tokiwa's side, no matter what.
She had surely gathered the courage to tell me about her home.
I wanted to make excuses. Just as I thought that, I felt the light of Tokiwa's bulb flicker, and I looked at her.

Tokiwa’s back as she walked away quickly looked as if she were rejecting me for the irreparable mistake I had made.