Am I weak for dwelling on things after being scolded? | Why a clinical psychologist doesn't explain it as 'weakness'

Nice to meet you. My name is Sawa.

I work in psychological support as a clinical psychologist.

In this note, I write about the 'mental loops' that occur after being scolded, intimidated, or exposed to someone's bad mood at work.

A boss's comment that won't leave your head even after you get home.

Tears that come when you are scolded.
Your body freezing in front of an intimidating person.
Even if you manage to keep working in the moment, you continue to wonder at night, 'Was it my fault?'

At times like that, instead of just blaming your own reaction,

'What was happening inside me?'
'What is it that I really need to re-examine?'
'Is there anything I don't need to carry on my own?'

I want to deliver articles that help you think about these things by separating them a little.

The phrase I value in this note is,

'Before you blame, look at it separately.'

.

In this article, rather than the content of the article itself,

why I view people's hearts and reactions in that way.

I would like to write in a little more detail about my own background and what I value in my psychological support work.

Things I have come to value while working in psychological support since 2001

I have been involved in clinical psychology work since 2001 after completing graduate school, and I obtained my clinical psychologist certification in 2005.

So far, I have been involved in psychological support in areas such as medical care, disaster victim support, industry, schools, and private counseling rooms.

Currently, I work as a private counselor, school counselor, and psychological advisor in the industrial mental health field.

Writing it this way makes it sound like a background introduction, but what I want to convey here is not the number of years or the type of work itself.

In the course of my work involving people's hearts and minds in various settings, I have come to value a particular stance when looking at people.

Why I do not explain people's suffering as 'weakness'

Feeling anxious.

Thinking about the same thing over and over.

Freezing up when spoken to harshly.

Being overly concerned with how others feel.

Being unable to speak up even when something unpleasant happens.

Continuing to blame oneself.

I do not explain these reactions as a person's 'weakness'.

In the first place, I do not believe that what makes a person 'strong' or 'weak' is that simple.

Even for the same person, what they can do and how they react changes depending on the situation they are in, their relationship with the other person, and their mental and physical state at the time.

That is why I do not try to understand a person through evaluations such as:

'Because you have an overly sensitive personality'
'Because your will is weak'
'You should just be stronger'

I do not try to understand them through such evaluations.

What I look at is what is actually happening to that person.

What did they react to?

What thoughts or emotions were born at that time?

What was happening not just in their mind, but in their body?

Are their past experiences or their current environment related?

What was the relationship and position with the other person?

We will look at these things one by one.

Of course, in psychological support, we sometimes review a person's way of thinking and how they perceive things together.

In cognitive behavioral therapy, we sometimes separate events from the meaning derived from them and consider whether there are other ways to view them.

However, that does not mean,

'Your way of thinking is the problem, so you should just change it.'

That is not what it means.

We understand what is happening to that person, including their way of thinking, emotions, physical reactions, relationships with others, and the environment they are in.

Based on that, we think together about where we can intervene to make their current distress even slightly easier to manage.

I value that order.

Understanding the other person and enduring one's own distress are also different things.

There is one more thing I value.

That is,

understanding the background and blurring responsibility or boundaries are different things

that is what I mean.

For example, the person who spoke harshly might have had their own circumstances.

They were busy.
They had no leeway.
They themselves were being chased by something.

Thinking that way can sometimes make your own feelings a little easier.

However,

'Since the other person had their own circumstances, I shouldn't mind that I was hurt'

when it comes to that, the story changes a little.

Conversely,

'I was hurt. Therefore, the other person is entirely to blame'

there is no need to end with just one conclusion.

There might be things I should reconsider next time.

There might have been other issues with how the other person spoke.

The workplace structure or positions might have had an influence.

At this point, there might be things we still don't know.

These can all exist at the same time.

I value not choosing just one side between understanding and taking responsibility, or between being considerate of others and protecting oneself.

That is why I write, 'Before blaming, look at things separately.'

There is a phrase I use repeatedly in this note.

'Before blaming, look at things separately.'

It is this phrase.

This is not

'You are not at fault for anything'

a phrase meant to say that.

Conversely,

'Everything is a problem with your own way of thinking, so let's change yourself'

it does not mean that either.

When one event occurs, various things can get mixed together.

What you did.

What the other person said.

What you felt at that time.

The physical reactions that occurred.

Thoughts like 'Maybe I was disliked' or 'Maybe it was all my fault'.

Things you actually should review yourself.

Things that lie on the other person's side.

The workplace environment and systems.

What you need right now.

When all of those things get mixed together,

'In short, I was no good'

it becomes easy to head toward that one conclusion.

Therefore, before you suddenly judge yourself, try separating them first.

From among them, take on what you need to take on.

But do not make things that you don't need to carry alone your own responsibility.

For things you don't know yet, don't force a conclusion.

This way of thinking is the foundation for how I handle 'mental loops' in this note.

Being able to handle things alone is not the only form of 'strength'

In my work providing psychological support, one of the core concepts I focus on is empowerment.

It is a slightly technical term, but to me, this means

It is not about 'getting you to be positive'.

Nor is it,

'getting you to be able to solve everything on your own'.

It is not that either.

It is about understanding what is happening to you.

It is about becoming able to gradually put into words what you are feeling, what you find unpleasant, and what you want to cherish.

And, it is about becoming able to have the options that are necessary for you.

I value that process.

That includes not just doing things yourself, but also,

resting, not making a decision right now, taking a little distance, consulting someone, using workplace systems, and if necessary, utilizing medical or professional support.

Those options are also included.

Because I borrowed someone's help, I couldn't do anything on my own.

I do not think that way.

I believe that finding and using the support available to you when you need it is also an important strength for protecting yourself.

What I want to convey in this note

In this note, I focus on the 'mental spinning' that occurs after being scolded, intimidated, or exposed to someone's bad mood in the workplace.

Even if the troubles dealt with in each article are different, the underlying theme is the same.

Not simply dismissing it as 'worrying too much'.

And yet, not deciding in one direction that 'you did nothing wrong' either.

It is about separating and thinking about your own reactions, what you take on, the other person's words and actions, the environment, and what you need right now, as necessary.

I hope that those who read this,

will be able to think about 'what was happening in my case'

in a way that isn't just about blaming themselves, and I intend to continue delivering articles that help with that.

If there is anything you would like to read about in an article,

I cannot know everything about the difficulties that those who actually read my work are facing based solely on my own thoughts.

Therefore, I have set up a question box where you can let me know what themes you would like me to cover in future articles.

For example,

• 'I would like you to cover this kind of situation in an article'

• 'I read the article, but I'm still having trouble sorting out this part for my own situation'

• 'I would like to read an article about how to think when this happens'

If you have anything like these, please feel free to let me know.

It doesn't have to be a long message.

I will use the content I receive as a reference when considering future article themes.

▶︎ Click here for the question box

To those reading this note for the first time

If you would like to know more about:

'Who this note is for and what it is written about'

'What it means to "separate and look at things before blaming"'

please take a look at the pinned article first.

▶︎ To you, whose boss's words won't leave your head even at home

If you would like to read based on specific concerns, I have currently organized the articles into five themes.

I hope you will read the articles you need, starting with the one closest to your current situation.

Moving forward, on this note, I will continue to write about

separating things before blaming yourself.

I will write about perspectives and ways to organize your thoughts for that purpose.