Essay: 'The Sign of Seriousness'
In past essays, I have thought about the reason why, year by year, as I get closer to people—whether in friendships or romantic relationships—they become afraid of me and gradually distance themselves. I have gained more clarity on this, so I would like to write about it.
To start with the conclusion,
it is possible that it is because of a difference in overall 'engagement power'.
I currently have a YouTuber I am genuinely in love with. That person is clearly more 'childish' than I am, but I think I am able to be in the 'grandmother state' that I often talk about in my recent essays toward them.
In other words, just because a grandchild does not understand their grandmother, lacks the mentality or intelligence to embrace her, is unilaterally spoiled by her, or is not someone she can respect, it does not mean the grandmother will not open her heart to the grandchild or give them validation.
As the expression 'so cute it doesn't even hurt to look at them' suggests, this is because the grandmother is head over heels for the grandchild's adorableness and therefore loves them. In short, she thinks of the grandchild as 'cute,' including their shortcomings.
Ultimately, I think this means that, including the relationship of being a 'grandchild (blood relative),' the grandchild is loved (validated) and the grandmother opens her heart because the grandchild possesses the 'engagement power' of 'cuteness' toward her.
The YouTuber I mentioned above, toward whom I am in a 'grandmother state,' possesses an overall 'engagement power' toward me because, from my perspective, they are extremely good-looking, have a humorous and interesting character, and have an aesthetic sense.
I am by no means someone who only cares about looks—meaning I don't necessarily have to find someone attractive as a romantic partner if they aren't extremely good-looking—but there is no doubt that looks are also a form of engagement power.
And just because this YouTuber is not someone who understands and embraces me with high intensity through mentality or intelligence, it does not mean I cannot open my heart to them or validate them.
Therefore, in a past essay, I wrote that the reason I cannot easily open my heart to others or give validation might be because it is 'scary' to open my heart to someone who does not understand me, but
I thought it is highly likely that it is not just that, but also because I am not being 'engaged with much by the other person overall,' and because I cannot fully acknowledge the other person even if I have affection for them, I am unable to properly open my heart and direct validation or love toward them.
In a past essay, I wrote that the greater the difference in overall engagement power, even if it is not something violent, the one with more engagement power tends to be 'feared' by the other person.
And in a past essay, I wrote that as my 'intelligence' increases year by year through creation, contemplation, consuming works, and communication, I feel that the presence of the people around me is fading. In other words, I think this means I am 'being engaged with less' by the people around me than before.
This means, in short, that I no longer feel the same 'sense of influence' from the people around me as I did before.
We didn't feel like we were in a romantic relationship. After all, Hiroto is young, and I felt there was a big difference between what I see and what Hiroto sees. The difference between the feelings I've had for men in the past and those I have for Hiroto might be the presence or absence of respect. Perhaps women cannot respect a man who doesn't have a job. Just as one can respect one's own child but cannot respect them while they are small, I respect Hiroto, but I do not hold him in high regard. It is close to the prejudice one might have toward a housewife or a small child—that this person is powerless and possesses no special abilities. The more I think about it, the more I become unable to recognize Hiroto as a man. Suddenly, I think of Atsushi. I respect him. The same goes for Miyuki, and of course, Naoya as well. I suppose I want Hiroto to have that kind of professional standing. That is why I am rushing his maturity so much and recommending he study abroad. I want Hiroto to be someone who knows many things that I do not. I felt like a terribly arrogant person for having such desires. And at the same time, the simple conclusion comes that Hiroto should date girls his own age. Even if Hiroto could overwhelm me sexually, he surely does not possess the power to overwhelm me mentally.
The above quote is a description of the feelings the protagonist, a working woman, has toward Hiroto, a male student with whom she has a sexual relationship, in Hitomi Kanehara's novel 'Keihaku'.
The protagonist feels she cannot see Hiroto as a romantic partner, and she attributes this to the fact that 'she cannot respect him because he lacks the power to mentally overwhelm her.'
In other words, I think this protagonist is saying that with only the element of 'sexual attraction,' there is not enough overall engagement power, so she cannot acknowledge the other person.
Therefore, I think she is saying that if there were a high-intensity engagement power toward her, such as 'having a job,' she would be able to 'acknowledge' the other person as a 'lover'.
I suspect that for this protagonist, the element of another person 'having a job' is the same as the element of another person 'having a certain level of intelligence' is for me.
In other words, it is the element through which I most strongly feel 'engagement' from others.
Just as this protagonist cannot 'respect' someone who does not have a 'job,' in my case, if I feel a certain level of 'frivolity,' I cannot 'respect' the other person.
However, perhaps this protagonist is like me, and even if the other person is a student without a job, if their looks are exactly my type, if they are mentally more mature than me, if I love their voice too much, or if they have some other ability I can respect,
I thought that if I felt that kind of 'overall engagement power' from them, I might be 'mentally overwhelmed' by them—that is, I might feel a strong engagement from them and be able to 'acknowledge' them.
And what is interesting is that the YouTuber I am genuinely in love with, as mentioned above, is clearly more 'childish' than me—meaning I don't think they have the intelligence to understand me at a high level—yet I have a desire to 'act spoiled' toward them.
In other words, in a past essay, I wrote that I wouldn't feel the urge to act spoiled toward someone unless I felt they understood or accepted me through their mentality or intelligence, but with this YouTuber, I have a doting feeling, and I have a desire to act spoiled or be selfish and have them accept it by saying something like, 'Oh, you're impossible, haha.'
In other words, I have a desire to have them act spoiled toward me, and I want to act spoiled toward them—a desire for 'mutual spoiling.'
It means I have a desire to have that kind of deep way of relating (mutual engagement, mutual recognition).
I think that by feeling that overall engagement power, if I am mentally overwhelmed by the other person—that is, if they are someone I 'acknowledge' at a high level—the desire to act spoiled arises regardless of whether they are mentally more mature or more childish than me.
I think it means that 'I want to be acknowledged by someone I acknowledge.'
I think it means that a desire has arisen to engage in high-intensity mutual engagement and mutual recognition, which I call 'mutual spoiling,' and to acknowledge each other.
Conversely, if I do not feel strong engagement from the other person—that is, if they are someone I cannot acknowledge at a high level—I don't feel that strong desire to 'be acknowledged or to relate deeply to them,' and I don't feel the urge to act spoiled or rely on them.
Simply put, I think I cannot properly love someone unless I feel a certain intensity of their 'power to influence' me.
And I think this is a 'relative' issue. It is about how much engagement power the other person has relative to the overall engagement power I possess, and that is how I am able to feel their 'power to influence' and 'mental overwhelm.'
And perhaps, if it is someone I am 'acknowledging' in that way, I can find their shortcomings 'cute.'
Therefore, I thought that I could accept their 'spoiled behavior' as 'cute,' meaning I could open my heart to them.
As I wrote before, I do not find the 'spoiled behavior' of friends from my student days to be 'cute,' and I am probably just 'enduring' it, and I almost never act spoiled toward my friends (though I do sometimes 'act spoiled' by venting my complaints when I am heartbroken and have no emotional capacity left).
In other words, I am 'tolerating' them, but I am actually bothered by their daily 'spoiled behavior' and am not truly 'accepting' it.
However, since I am accepting (acknowledging) the YouTuber mentioned above, I think it means I feel their selfishness and spoiled behavior are 'cute' and 'delightful,' and I also want to act spoiled toward them.
In other words, I do not have a desire for high-intensity mutual engagement and mutual recognition with the former, but I do with the latter.
If that is the case, in terms of overall engagement power, it means that 'I can be acknowledged by someone I acknowledge, but I cannot be acknowledged by someone I do not acknowledge (I do not feel acknowledged), so I have no desire for high-intensity mutual engagement.'
Therefore, I can be friendly with people with whom I cannot have high-intensity mutual engagement, but I felt it is highly likely that many people feel 'scared' to be friendly with me because they cannot have high-intensity mutual engagement or 'mutual spoiling' with me, or because their 'pride is hurt' if they are not acknowledged at a high level by someone they acknowledge.
Therefore, in the early stages of a relationship, regardless of whether I am showing a stance of accepting the other person (opening my heart and accepting them) or engaging in mutual spoiling, if the other person senses the 'difference in overall engagement power' itself, they might feel they 'cannot engage' with me, feel 'scared,' or give up on interacting with me.
This is because, as mentioned above, I cannot fully acknowledge someone who does not engage with me at a high level (who does not mentally overwhelm me), and since this is likely the same for many people, they might feel that 'not being able to engage with the other person = mutual engagement with the other person cannot be established = low possibility of being properly acknowledged by the other person,' and thus give up on interacting with me.
I thought that even if I cannot engage in the high-intensity mutual involvement that comes with 'mutual dependency,' I can still be close to others, but perhaps many people find such relationships painful, scary, or lonely, and thus become unable to engage with the other person.
In other words, it might mean that I am failing to show the other person the 'sign of seriousness' that is the 'stance of mutual dependency,' which indicates that I am willing to properly engage with them.
Perhaps that is the sign of 'accepting and acknowledging' the other person.
Also, since it is normal for me not to 'depend on others with high intensity' even when we are close, I think the fact that the hurdle for me to depend on others is quite high is also a problem.
Conversely, if I were the type of person who could easily depend on others simply because we are close, that might create an 'opening for involvement' for the other person, allowing them to feel the possibility or reality of mutual engagement and interact with me without strain.
Come to think of it, I once told someone I was starting to develop a romantic relationship with, who asked me to 'depend on them,' that 'if you could support me, even just a little, I would be able to depend on you'—a piece of trash-like thing to say as a joke, but...
I realized that this wasn't about wanting money from them, but perhaps it was about the 'feeling' that if I could sense more of their power to engage (their sense of influence over me), I would be able to acknowledge them and thus be able to depend on them mentally.
Conclusion: It is my fault for being unable to depend on others unless I am engaged with.