[Parenting] The 'Life Skills' Stolen by Parental Over-Involvement: Parental Kindness That Hinders Independence and Child Development from a Psychological Perspective

The independence of being able to 'take the train alone.' The sense of unease regarding parents accompanying their children to entrance exams.

Now that my child has entered private junior high school, they have started going out on their days off to hang out with friends living in neighboring prefectures or visiting amusement parks a bit further away. The range of activities for my child, now a junior high student, has expanded from our local area to outside the prefecture.

However, what caught my attention there was that there were surprisingly many friends who 'could not use public transportation.'

'I don't know where the train platform is.' 'I got on a train going in the opposite direction.' 'I don't know how to read the timetable.'

It seems friends would often arrive late to plans for such reasons. It also seems some friends would beg my child, 'Please tell me (how to transfer) on your smartphone' or 'Please come with me on the way back.'

Even after becoming high school students, similar situations continued.

Where does the difference in what is considered 'normal' lie?

We live in an area where a car for every person is essential, and parents often end up driving their children everywhere. In a sense, the fact that children are unaccustomed to trains might be due to that environment.

Since my husband and I are from large cities outside the prefecture, we grew up in an environment where using public transportation was 'normal.'

With that background, in our home, we had our child take the train alone to their junior high entrance exam prep school (in front of the station in the next city) since they were in elementary school. They also went to high school entrance exams in neighboring prefectures and university entrance exams in the Kanto and Kansai regions all by themselves. We would drive them to the nearest station, but from there on, going by their 'own power' has always been the normal scene for our family.

The child themselves has never once said, 'I want you to come with me.'

Parents accompanying children to exams and the background of 'kindness'

Recently, when I look at posts from parents on social media and the like, I am sometimes surprised.

'I'm going with my child (to the exam venue) because I want them to focus on the exam.'

Of course, every child and family has their own way of thinking, and while I cannot say unconditionally what is correct or what is wrong, it makes me think.

I wonder if adults are actually stealing the 'space' that should belong to the examinee, who is the protagonist, of the situation...

On the day of the Common Test, parents accompanying the examinees themselves travel with them, causing traffic congestion and restrictions beyond what is seen in typical years. The same goes for accommodations. If parents accompany them and book two rooms, that many spots for examinees who should be staying there are filled up.

It might be too strong to say that parents are 'getting in the way,' but it cannot be denied that excessive accompaniment creates burdens for the parents themselves and social costs.

The asset of being able to 'act alone'

A high school student who cannot reach their destination alone, or who is not allowed to act alone. How does that affect their 'living alone' during their later university life and their sense of independence when they enter society?

Researching the route to a destination on one's own, checking the timetable, and correcting mistakes if they happen. Isn't it the accumulation of such experiences that leads to true 'self-confidence'?

Instead of following a path paved in advance by parents, getting on a train on one's own feet and heading toward a destination. Perhaps we should trust and watch over such 'natural' independence a little more.

I feel this deeply when looking at posts during exam season.

The fact that a high school student cannot act alone actually has a significant impact on their later life living alone or as a working adult.

From a psychological perspective, 'doing everything for them' can sometimes result in depriving children of essential abilities.

To protect the self-efficacy of 'I did it myself'

Parents getting ahead of things and accompanying their child on the day of the exam. At first glance, it looks like 'support to help them focus on the exam'. However, psychology emphasizes 'self-efficacy,' the feeling that a person can control their environment through their own efforts.

If an environment where parents do everything continues, there is a risk that the child will fall into 'learned helplessness,' where they unconsciously believe that they cannot do anything on their own.

Getting on the wrong train platform or going in the wrong direction are actually important lessons. Small successful experiences like 'I made a mistake, but I reached my destination on my own' foster the underlying confidence that 'I can survive even on my own'.

The boundary between 'parental peace of mind' and 'child independence'

Of course, I understand the feeling of worry as a parent very well. This is especially true if you live in an area where you are not used to public transportation. However, isn't the current situation where adults book hotel rooms or crowd transportation to accompany them prioritizing 'parental peace of mind'?

'Trusting and leaving it to the child' is actually a task that requires more energy and patience from the parent than 'doing it for them'.

High school students are already adults. Getting on a train alone, walking through an unfamiliar land, and heading to the exam venue on their own. Silently seeing off that child might actually be the 'last and greatest exam support' a parent can provide.

I hope you will keep this in mind while your children are still young.
I would be happy if this reaches even one person.
Thank you for reading.

I have included an illustration by sabinukidayoo.